The Horror

I don’t even know where to begin. My body is making sounds I’ve never heard before, and it’s not gas.

In short, moving = severe psychic trauma.

I’ve always been a terrible mover. The loading and lifting is actually relatively easy compared to dredging through the all the hubris-infused boxes filled with the past. Being surrounded by boxes labeled “Misc.” or “Junq” is like being stuck in a time machine and knowing that even if you can escape, the time machine is still sitting there, with it’s controls stuck on: Bad Day/Your Past/Bad Year(s). You open those boxes and stand transfixed by a photo you thought you’d lost or a letter from a dead relative or a college notebook. The items themselves may not be actual representatives of the badness, but they act as a conduit to mental wandering and emotional damage.

To be truly bipolar, I have to say that being a homeowner is wonderful. Finally, I don’t have to worry about security deposits or downstairs neighbors. I want my dog to bark. I want to play bad music loudly. I want to know my neighbors and their kids and dogs. It’s so dreamy and like that scene in Superman where Margot Kidder and Christopher Reeves are shot through the vaseline-coated lens and look fuzzy and schmoopy-gooey. Pair that with the 2400mg of Advil® and we’re talking serious delirium.

It’s time for some flatline brainwave activity. Operation Dumbo Drop, anyone?

  • http://thehandlebar.blogspot.com Jonathan Lamb

    I once had this girlfriend that could stick a straw in er nose, and it woud come out her mouth.

  • http://www.nothing.com frederique

    One time, my boyfriend couldn’t find the hammer, so I looked next to the tool box, and there it was.

  • http://buzzsaw.blogspot.com the propagandist

    yeah, i scared the hell out of my realtor when he asked me how i liked my new house and i said:

    “they’re taking me out of this place in a fucking box. i’m never moving again, and despite all your help you are going to hell for putting so many people through so much psychic trauma.

    “so, yeah, i love it.”

  • http://www.turbanhead.com/mt DJSUBG

    O.K. no joke. one my best friends and fraternity brothers (the sensitive one) from college worked lower level set jobs on Operation Dumbo Drop. After that he and his partner (whom he met on teh set of ODD) wrote The Part Trap — straight-to-video sequel and American Girl.

    Something good came out of Operation Dumbo Drop!

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    i still live in socal blurb. homeownership here means:

    a 36 inch walk to your neighbor.

    a single monthly mortgage payment equivalent to just shy of the average teachers annual salary.

    stucco. miles and miles of fucking stucco.

    and having to live next to people whose entire self worth is built around the constant accumulation of stuff.

    of course it also meeans 100K in equity after only six fucking months so maybe i ought to get out of this beach rental and buy something.

  • http://ix.1sound.com/captain Captain

    Check out my blog for the hunt for a woman for Buddha.

  • http://www.blurbomat.com dj blurb

    jimbo,

    That’s why we moved to Utah. Our house in LA, in a comparable neighborhood would cost 3–4 times what we paid here. The equity thing is a little different, sure, but still.

    Plus, mountains.

  • http://suburbanbliss.blogspot.com Melissa

    Uh.…here’s your problem…you misspelled “Junk” (junq) on all those boxes.

    It’s not severe psychic trauma…it’s simply syntax error!

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    i hear ya blurb.

    i think a return to flagstaff and the mountain isn’t too far away for me either.

    but then again, never can tell. hard to leave 300 days of sunshine.

  • http://feministe.us/blog/ ms lauren

    i’m sorry but i have to do this:

    you said “homeowner.”

    (alas, how beavis and butthead have warped me)

  • http://anordinaryboy.com/blogger.html alex kidd

    operation dumbo drop is possibly the dumbest, greatest movie of all time. the only thing that could possibly make it better would be if it starred mr. t.

  • mike.c.

    wait for it; it gets so much better, you have no idea. I mean its endless! but that’s O.K.