Utah Sucks… If You Are a Mormon

When I lived in Utah and was a practicing Mormon, I couldn’t wait to get out. It drove me crazy. The provincialism, the denial, the hypocrisy. I know a lot of people who are Mormon who feel this way. It’s strange to hear them now that I’m a non-Mormon homeowner who enjoys living in Utah.

If I have to live in a suburb of Los Angeles (and by suburb I’m talking Palmdale or similar) vs. where I do now, I’d pick here every time. I loved living in West Hollywood. It was fantastic. Homes in that hood were something like $450k to start, and that usually meant no off-street parking and no yard; a very very good reason to buy a home in the first place.

Benefits:

  • Traffic, Schmaffic
  • Sure, I have to buy booze from a state-run liquor store with less than friendly weekend hours, but it's not Texas or Alabama.
  • Salt Lake is, depending on which numbers you believe, 50% - 60% non-Mormon. Which means that I'm surrounded by people just like me; pissed off about another Bush in the White House.
  • All the passive-aggressive narcissistic apocalyptic millennialism is now just quaint and weird, as opposed to anger-inducing.

It’s kind of nice not to have all the churchy weirdness to get angry about every week. I’m just happier now. Pass me my Maker’s Mark.

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  • http:///www.dum.net/ Mattsadummass

    Matt, you’re the DA. You live in UT. Have you even lived anywhere else? If so, then you’d know it’s not that big of a deal. Yes you get snow and there are 4 seasons. Again, big deal. There are plenty of other states you can do the same damn thing in the west in, not to mention the east. You think it’s all that beutiful or something? Try a vacation in west nevada, norther California, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana and so on. See my point yet? Plenty of other places that have snow and nice scenery as well with plenty of outdoor activities. And that’s not even addressing the plethora of states in the east with some of the same stuff. Go visit south Missouri or the ozarks. 100x more beautiful than ANYHTING you will find in UT. Here’s the fact: Utah is a desert by definition. It’s in the top 3–5 driest places in the whole country. And even in the phoenix/AZ valley area, there is more rainfall in the summer months from the monsoon patterns.
    It’s fine if you live in UT and think it’s great. But what is stupid is thinking it is so much better than most of the other places in the country, and a lot of UT natives (no not the Indian natives) think just that.

  • http://www.blurbomat.com Joe

    I live in utah. I don’t believe alot about the church.
    I like mormons though. Its not what the mormons are that people might not like. It’s that mormons try to do what they can. Whether they do or not that’s the question. I personally think the jerks who protest in front of their General Conferences are just sick. They must have the lowest way of life known to man.

  • http://www.strangetimes.tk JC

    Utah is nothing but a breeding ground for mind control, and the Mormons reek of it. They are like zombies in a trance. “Jesus, Jesus,Jesus.… oh yeah, and families are forver… blah, blah, blah… ”

    I was baptized into that insidious “religion”, but by that time I already knew they were a bunch of fake facers.

  • Wolfgang

    I am from New york city. I now live in Ogden Utah to play baseball for Weber State University. Every morning I wake up and try to convince myself that going on a shooting spree is not gonna liberate utah. this place sucks donkey balls. Inbred Jeds everywhere,and they are all missing chromosones. Polygamy is a hell of a way to make a family blood line strong.

  • wolfgang

    P.S. If I can get rid of the state of Utah I would,make it wyoming,colorado,arizona,and all the states surrounding maybee there garbage dump. They are a bunch of hicks who think there crap dont stink. I always find myself finishing there sentences for them. TOO damn slow for my city blood

  • wolfgang

    people here never got punched in the mouth before,which makes racqueteering a snap.

  • http://none onereason

    mormons suck; mormons live in utah: utah sucks

  • mark

    People are the same everywhere you go so pick somehwere you like. Wheter it be a city a town or a shack in lower alabama do what makes you happy and shut the fuck up. jk

  • antiutah

    Having lived in Utah my entire life and being fortunate enough to travel every opportunity I get, I can honestly say the mormons of Utah are the most narrow-minded, brainwashed breed of people I’ve ever associated with. And where else in the country do you find 90% of all 19–22 year olds getting married?

  • dave

    Utah is a joke in so many ways. “Yeah, we have mountains!” So what, did they mention the mountains are ugly. But thats probably because of the lack of green in the area. Watering to make grass stay green sucks.

    And dont forget to not smoke or swear in public. Unless you like dirty looks from thousands of nosey people.

    And dont bring a nice car, unless you like to find a new dent or scratch every day. And yes the drivers are curtious, to the point of insanity. Who stops the flow of traffic to let some other asshole out. And you gotta love doing 40 MPH on an interstate on ramp when the fucking road is 65. Come on its a fucking INTERSTATE!

    And dont ever make plans on sunday or late at night. Cause the whole world has to stop.

    And finally and worst of all. Dont come on July 4th if it falls on sunday. These commie mormons wont celebrate what gave them their freedom of religion because of their dumbass religion. One more July 5th firework show and Im going crazy. Anti-american losers.

    LAMEASS DRIVER SYNDROME A.K.A.-L.D.S.

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