State of the Union

Semi-real time blogging. At it’s worst™.

7:11 MST After the fellatio of the Presidential entrance, Heather is already starting with “This is all bullshit. Blah, blah, blah.”

State of the Union addresses are typically overstated. This President is no different. Close up shot of John McCain proves how painful it is to listen to an address like this.

He’s just talked about 2.3 million new jobs in the past year. Here it comes. Flexible economy… flexible enough to stop the damn credit card companies from snail mail spamming the shit out of me?

He just said “discretionary” without a hiccup. Wow. Are they giving him a standing ovation for his pronunciation victory or the actual substance?

7:17 PM MST He just mentioned “junk” lawsuits. Like frivolous asbestos lawsuits. Hmmm. Because asbestos should be put into the school lunch program.

Heather is now unleashing obscenities at a high rate. “Smug fucking asshole.” Repeat x 10.

The shots of all the sitting legislators and Senators and cabinet members make them all look a bit rosy cheeked. What is the ratio of cocktail to person?

7:20 PM MST This year it’s not about how evil everybody else in the world is, it’s about promising EVERYTHING. Cleaner air! Lower taxes! More jobs!

Heather says Dick Cheney looks like a shark from _Finding Nemo_.

7:22 PM MST Here it comes. Social Security. Privatization. Does no one remember Enron and California in 2001?

He’s talking about Social Security running a deficit in thirteen years. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT RUNNING A DEFICIT TODAY. Apparently deficit = collapse. It’s the same lingo he used to get us into Iraq.

I think reforms are in order for Social Security. I do not think that privatization is the answer. He’s got a long reach to come across the aisle, and based on history, I don’t think he’s going to make it. Does Jesus want privatization? I don’t attend a Christian church, so I’m a little out of the loop on what Jesus would do.

7:33 PM MST This is the part where he panders to his Jesus freak base. I believe that in 50 years, our children will look back on this time and wonder what the big deal was about consenting adults marrying.

7:40 MST Uh. Gonna be busy for the rest of the speech…

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  • http://www.blurbomat.com R

    THANK YOU! That’s who (what) he looks like…the SHARK!

  • http://www.archibaldjude.com/mt seannarae

    i have the sound turned down with TOOL’s ∆nima playing as background. Master Jude is making elaborate (and quite productive) fart noises at the telly whilst Maynard James screams about a hooker with a penis.

    All quite apropo if you look at it right…

  • http://www.someblogs.com/4kidsmomndad/ Bob

    I find that it is extremely painful to listen to him but even worse when I have to look at him too.

    Don’t you wish they’d show the people in the chamber that are mouthing WTF?!?! to themselves?

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    i can’t believe you guys gave up watching Project Runway for this enormous republican circle jerk.

  • http://www.archibaldjude.com/mt seannarae

    anyone know the name of the Hutt sitting [ahem] “back & to the left” of Dubya? He’s clearly straining under all that blinking.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    oh WE DID NOT GIVE UP PROJECT RUNWAY FOR THAT CREEP, oh no. it’s on TiVo. That’s the only way I would agree to watching this rubbish.

  • http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

    faith in blurbodoocery and its priorities duly restored.

  • Marcie

    I can’t even look at him or listen to him speak. He reminds me of Alfred E. Neuman from MAD magazine, “What, me Worry?” Bush is a dipshit that never earned anything his entire life and now he’s just a cronnie for his Daddy’s oil buddies. Our dead young people for oil and half of America is okay with this. Just promise them no gay marriage and everything is okay. So depressing.

  • http://deliberateserendipity.blogspot.com curiouskiwi

    It’s times like these that I’m glad I moved out of the country. Thanks Jon for the blow-by-blow as I’ll only see the high- (or is that low-)lights on the evening news tonight.

  • http://midvaleschool.blogspot.com Courtney

    Tried my hand at the semi-realtime blogging thing too. I can’t listen to the pundit’s verbal blow jobs though. I’m already unclean after listening to all that.

  • me

    Please take a deep breath. It’s over. I’m afraid you will suffer a stroke. Remember, you have four more years of this.
    Pace yourself, please.

  • Annette

    I wasn’t going to watch, ugh … but then, I listened to the idiot while knitting… I was agog with his correct pronunciation of nuclear, not once.. but twice! WOW. He really looked smug.

  • http://www.swirly.org/lmj/ Jay

    Thanks for the semi-real time coverage. I refuse to tune in the actual event for the same reason I cannot listen to the moron’s sound bites on NPR: he is simply not worth the hypertension.

  • http://bornfamous.com lavonne

    yes, thank you. i have to turn off the tube or change the channel whenever he comes on. hypertension indeed!

  • Shannon

    Hey, at least you can watch it at all. I refuse to even turn the t.v. on during such addresses

  • http://spelunk.blogspot.com spoonleg

    by saying that you’ll be “busy” the rest of the speech… call me naive, but were you referring to what is traditionally known as “Boohbah time”? If so, ROCK ON BROTHA AND MORE POWER TO YOU. At least someone got to bust a nut during that douchebag’s “Waste of Time Address”.

  • http://crazyjaneski.typepad.com Craz Jane

    I can’t bear that smirking chimpanzee. Smug F*cker. Looking at him for long enough to hear that deluded, self-congratulatory crap and listening to the butt-licking applause is just OUT OF THE QUESTION. I’m gonna need to just wait for the highlights on NPR tomorrow morning, and even then… Blech!

  • http://www.soundslikeradio.net smiles

    My favourite bit?

    No distiction between Iranian and Uranium.

    Enriched Iranians? Terrorist Uranium?

    What a muppet.

  • http://staysix.org Ali

    The second he started in with the future dates, I just couldn’t listen anymore. I don’t know what it is about that man, but whenever he starts talking, I stop hearing words – I just hear the voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown.

    I made up my own ideas of what he was saying – “In 2027, the world will have robot maids like Rosie from The Jetsons. In 2042, the world will have flying cars. In 2057, the world will be exactly like The Matrix.”

  • http://www.archibaldjude.com/mt seannarae

    “I think all of us … were fascinated by the way U.S. government intersects with such an extraordinary intimacy with multinational corporations that profit from war and chaos.”
    – Jonathan Demme

  • Tina

    Well, I am about to move TO THIS COUNTRY,….
    I should giv ehtis another thought

  • Tina

    give this another thought (Have to work on the spelling thing)

  • Zach

    What scares me the most is the confidence and momentum Bush seems to be riding.

    2.3 million new jobs!! Are they still considered new if only 300k of them are in the positive 2000 numbers? Are they still considered new if they are on average substantially lowers salaries than that of 2000?

    Iraqi Elections!! Who was running? Who won? Hmmm. No disrespect to the Iraqi people, after 50 years of fuck, I admire their courage. They’re reaching for anything, even obscure elections.

    … and uh, lets mention a blip on North Korea and make sure we don’t say shit on Darfur.

    As a fellow SLC-inian I’d love to smodge podge politico with you and la dooce sometime.

    To follow all of that seriousness I must leave you with the most fabulous shit I’ve seen all week.

    http://www.churchoftherobot.org/dangsquid/abd.mov

  • bree

    I have a question for you Jon. When you use the term Jesus freaks, who exactly are you referring to? I believe in Jesus, agree with alot(not all) of what Bush says, but do not consider myself a freak. Are you referring to those who use Jesus as a way to spew hate towards others? If you are, then have at them. But if you are talking about conservative Christians in general, then perhaps you could tell me the difference between you calling someone a freak based on their beliefs and somone who calls a person a freak based on their sexual orientation. I am not trying to start a comment war, I am just really interested in where you stand. Thanks for all the good reading here at the blurbodoocery.

  • http://doctorsilence.blogspot.com dr. dave

    OH NO YOU DI-IN’T!!

    You did NOT just have SEX during the State of the Union address!!

    Please, God… tell me you turned the television OFF first!

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