The Groper

dooce: Wife, mother, Utah blogger

I’ve been waiting to write about being interviewed by the Salt Lake Tribune, but Heather gets right to the point.

I wonder: just how many men grope their wives? And while it might seem indecent or annoying, certainly it’s a better sign of love and affection than going golfing for four days straight or watching SportsCenter [sp?] seven hours a day.

I’m just going to have to make some new business cards with my proclivities towards my lovely wife printed on them:

Web Designer, Nerd Dilettante, Wife Groper

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  • http://www.ransom-note-typography.com jon deal

    I grope, but I get lightly smacked and given “The Stare” quite often.

    You have to know the limits, though. Never grope unannouced. Never grope when she’s holding a knife (like during food prep). Don’t grope in front of the kids. Especially teenagers. They make “ick” noises that ruin the mood. Grope just enough that says, “I love you and you are hot and this is all in good fun. Please stop looking at me like that.” Like all things, it’s a fine line.

    And you *must* get biz cards.

  • http://www.eighthourlunch.com Eight Hour Lunch

    Just one thing on the business cards…does wife groper mean your *own* wife, or just married women in general?

  • azuki_bean

    Should I ever find myself married to a man who *isn’t* compelled to grope me, I shall be sorely disappointed…
    :D

  • http://meaningless-blather.blogspot.com/ That One Guy

    and, nice tribune article… good for you guys..

  • http://www.hootiepalooza.blogspot.com Skeezeroo

    From a wife that gets groped fairly often, I agree that there’s a time and a place for it. I don’t much care for the blatant and slightly vulgar groping in front of, say, guests to my home. And I’m sure I’d be embarrassed if it were in front of my inlaws. Not that my groper does this; he’s far more discreet. It’s like a game, see if you can grope when nobody is looking, causing embarrassment that might need to be explained by the redness on the face…
    You are also very right – MUCH BETTER than 4 days straight of golfing. In my view, you’re just showing your respect for your wife’s hottitude.

  • Valeta

    I think groping is a pretty normal thing for a husband to do. My husband does it a lot. :)

  • http://www.agirlandaboy.com leahkay

    Just wanted to point out that Matt Canham is the same guy we were talking about here: http://www.blurbomat.com/archives/2005/12/02/racism_squared_et_tu_cbs

    Also, in my house, groping = love, so keep it up, man.

  • timg

    I admit that butts have been grabbed while walking up the stairs in my home. I mean, how can you not? It usually gets my hand slapped away but it’s well worth it.

  • Brandy K

    I’d be worried if the groping stopped, fer shure.

    Though I am often taken aback by the quickie grope in my mother-in-law’s kitchen when (I hope) no one is looking, it’s kinda fun, isn’t it?

    Anyone who might perceive “the grope” as pervishness is obviously a prude. Or wracked with Mormon sensibility. Or Catholic guilt. Or all of the above. I think I’m just repeating myself.

  • Ignatz

    My husband is a wife groper. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Once, while I was pregnant with our 1st child, and he started, I asked him “Doesn’t this make you a motherf****r?”

    And it did.

  • MommyofOne

    Add my husband to the list of those who grope their wives. jon deal has it right. As long as my husband doesn’t grope unannounced, it’s free game. I always appreciate his non-verbal way of saying “Hey, you’re still hot!”

  • PaulE

    Hmm, nothing says I love you like a nice squeeze of a breast. Sigh, to bad my wife doesn’t exactly see it the same way. ;)

  • http://aredeaf.blogspot.com Coelecanth

    Check your marriage contract, groping is in subsection D: “Misc. Other Duties” along with sports enthusiasms, expensive hobbies and emitting noxious gasses. “The party of the first part (husband) shall give the party of the second part (wife) ample opportunity for eye rolling, mock indignation and retaliation.”

    Groping, it’s not just fun, it’s a legal obligation.

  • http://www.blisteredavalon.com April-Lyn

    My husband gropes. Granted, we’ve not yet been married for three months, so only time will tell as to whether the groping decreases in frequency.

    Actually, when the groping-in-the-bath post appeared, he groaned when I said that I was going to read another dooce post to him (despite always enjoying them immensely, so I’m not sure what his issue is), and then was immediately glad I did when he learned that it was about groping.

    I don’t think its indecent, but I do squirm a little and give The Look when it happens in public. Or when he thinks his mother’s not looking. Then there is plenty of hand-batting and Looking (but I only half mean it). I may roll my eyes, but I’m privately flattered that I’m so irresistable. ;)

  • http://www.blurbomat.com blurb

    Eight Hour, that would be my own wife. None other. I’m not a Republican.

  • http://www.ranzino.com ranzino

    Why can’t I watch SportsCenter AND grope my wife? Where’s King Solomon when you need him?

  • http://www.thedinergirl.blogspot.com DinerGirl

    Great article, you guys. Congrats.

  • http://www.noappropriatebehavior.blogspot.com capello

    What’s up with all of this not allowing unannounced groping? My husband *only* gropes unannouced.

    I think he has a secret ploy for me to be startled and damange something so we can renovate.

  • http://www.troll-baby.com Karen Rani

    Groping is good, like Wheaties, only better. If I didn’t get the unloading the dishwasher WHOOP! kind of grope, I would be checking Daren’s head for a fever.

  • http://www.kimbanelson.blogspot.com dancingnancy

    I think groping is a very natural part of marriage. Even for us MORMONS. :) Imagine that, Mormons are people too! :)

  • LucyArin

    My husband’s a groper too. I’d be super worried if it stopped. That’s my $0.02.
    ~Lucy

  • Absquatulate

    Groping is generally okay except for when it is first thing in the morning and I’m half asleep when the function is to attempt to get me in the mood. Breast fondling by itself !=sexy.

    Groping in empty elevator/room next to family/dressing room/up the stairs/when I’m fully conscious is usually just fine*!

    *As a female I reserve the right to amend these conditions with or without notice. ;^)

  • http://www.eighthourlunch.com Eight Hour Lunch

    *Awesome* response.

    To be fair though, I think you should just insert “politician” for “Republican”. They’ve *all* been screwing us for so long, it’s hard to tell the difference.

  • Brian H

    In my opinion, groping is a sign of a healthy relationship. Itís almost like a barometer, a quick way to see that the husband is interested and finds his partner attractive. In fact, when I stopped groping my wife it wasnít too long until we were on our way to divorce court. So ladies, enjoy it!

  • http://www.kimblahg.com Darlin’

    my husband is an all out groper. he gropes me often and sometimes not too subtly but i do the same to him. i think non-groping marriages are missing something.

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