Bug Juice
September 17th, 2002
My mother tried to give us variation in our diet. She really tried. It wasn’t her fault. Eventually she gave up. A key turning point came when I asked my next oldest brother what he was putting on his food. His response, usually something scatalogical, was a simple, “bug juice.”
I didn’t know many Asians growing up. I didn’t know the culture, except through the Weekly Reader, which told me that in China, people kept grasshoppers as pets. After reading that article, one of the kids in my class leaned over and said, “I heard some of them eat dogs.”
I didn’t believe the dog thing for a second. However, bugs and juice? Hell yes. It was no leap for my 6 year old head that Kikkoman would have entire processing plants full of live bugs, which would be fed into a gigantic juicer. Made perfect sense. The juice then, naturally, would be bottled and packaged for shipping to unsuspecting Caucasians.
I refused to have anything to do with Soy Sauce for 8 more years. o
The missus used to think that Chinese Duck Sauce contained - well, sauce of duck.
Kind of like when I asked my dad what “tofu” was made from. He said, “Oh, Ariel, you mis-heard the name: it’s not tofu, it’s TOE FOOD. It’s made from toes.”
And yet somehow, I’m a vegetarian today. Amazing.
I’m still not sure that I could tell you what tofu is made from.
Its made from bean curd. Its like cheese from soybeans. Soybeans are the cows of the vegetable world. Its true, I read it on the internet.
….ever heard of oxtail soup? my darling father mentioned to me, as i was wolfing the “looks-like-old-congealed-blood” colored soup down one day, that farmers hack the tails off the oxen, then proceed to wring the nummy blood & cartilage & other juices into a big vat. which they add a touch of salt & broth to - before they package it & send it to the local grocers.
and he refuses to take responsibility for my vegan-ism to this day.
Bug Juice = Liquor, e.g. “smells like you’ve been drinking too much bug juice”
That’s all I know.
It’s true that dog is often a menu item in China (especially in the Northeast)… been there, done that.
Im the girl who as a 6yr old dining at ‘New Moon’ was asked if I wanted sweet and sour sauce. My reply, “Sweet Please”. Yep.
Bug juice=Kool-Aid, at least at Boy Scout camp.
don’t fall for any of the asian food scams out there. they’re all cruel jokes at the white man’s expense. sushi? do you really think japanese people go to restaurants and pay $5 a bite for uncooked food? don’t even get me started on wasabi.
An open letter to white people: Advice you will need when you eat in Asian restaurants
1. First of all, you have to always keep in your head that you’re entering an Asian restaurant. You’re about to eat outside your turf, so don’t come in there expecting to be treated like you’re the president of the United States just because you’re white. We don’t care. You’re simply a customer like everyone else, so behave like one. Just because you look different doesn’t mean you’re special. We don’t care what your mom told you.
2. When you go to a Shanghai restaurant like Joe’s, expect to be seated at a round table — you will have to sit with other people. Don’t worry, the person right next to you won’t pick on your food. (Well, unless you’re sitting beside another white person, but we’ll talk about that later.)
3. Asian people may like to stare at funny-looking white people but we don’t like being stared at. The last thing we want to feel like is goldfish in a fishbowl while we’re eating. You absolutely do not stare at how small our eyes are, how we use our chopsticks, lean over to try and hear if we’re speaking another language or point at our food. You wouldn’t want a bunch of Asian people pointing at your pasta if we’re in your Italian place now, would you?
4. You do not complain about how loud it is inside an Asian restaurant. We don’t even care if you’re complaining in French! Asian people like to eat in groups, with their friends and families, that’s why they have the round tables so we can all enjoy our meals together and talk. Asian restaurants are not four-star French restaurants where it’s all hushed and dark. You want quiet? Go to your room and lock yourself in!
5. When we Asian people decide to eat at an Italian, French or any other non-Asian restaurant, we try and do our research beforehand. We ask friends if they’ve been to that place before. We ask for recommendations on what to eat or what to wear. We know we’re not going to be in a place we can call home and we expect it to be different from what we’re accustomed to. So when you go to an Asian restaurant, try to do the same! Don’t do your research inside the restaurant and start asking us questions while we’re eating. If you’re going to order what we’re eating, at least try to ask the waiter discreetly — do not point and ask or say, What’s that? And how about that one? Yeah, yeah, we want that, too!
6. When you finally see the food that the people on your table ordered, do not talk to your companions about it, even if you’re whispering, I think that’s string beans with garlic. It looks good, no? I think we should order that, too.
7. When you’re served, don’t expect the staff to come sit with you and be your new friend. That’s all they’re there for: to bring you your order. So when you order chicken, please don’t ask the waiter to slice it up for you. There’s a reason why they serve it with a knife, it’s do-it-yourself kind of chicken. They’ll probably carve your order of Peking duck but that’s only when you’re in a semi-banquet Asian restaurant that charges more than $7 for each meal. You get what you pay for. Do you expect “clean” when you buy two hotdogs and a drink for $1.99 at Gray’s Papaya? Didn’t think so. They don’t call that Recession Special for nothing.
8. And regarding number 2? If you’re sitting right next to us Asian customers, it doesn’t mean we have to be best friends either. Even if I talked about eating as a group in number 4, it doesn’t mean you. You do not ask where we’re from. You do not ask if we’ve been at the restaurant before. You do not voluntarily tell us that this is your first time in the restaurant, your first time in the state, your first time in the city. We. Don’t. Care. We’re there to eat, not meet white people.
9. And doing research like number 5? I didn’t mean Zagat. Ask your Asian friends if they’ve been to that specific restaurant. (You do have Asian friends, right? You do know people outside your white circle, right?) Zagat was created by upper crust Yale graduates and I reckon read by the same people who belong in that group. You do not trust the book when you’re looking for places to eat dim sum. They didn’t have dim sum at Yale. They still don’t.
10. When you’re finally seated and ready to order, consider being in a new place a new experience — just like how we Asian people would feel if we eat in your restaurant. Try not to order the garlic fried rice. Skip the sweet and sour pork and the chicken with broccoli — broccoli came from the Mediterranean, not Asia. Always remember that Chinese take out was only invented as a business tactic. It did not come from China. It’s the same with fortune cookies. Although the first fortune cookie might have been folded by a Canton-born baker, it originated in San Francisco, the same place where Rice-A-Roniê is a treat. Think about that.
11. Lastly, I assume you’re in an Asian restaurant to eat Asian food, right? It’s different, so what? Be adventurous. Don’t eeww and aaww when you read frog legs in the menu. Don’t bug out when you see crabs legs served. Don’t ask for dog stew, for christssakes. We’re not the only ones who eat weird shit, you know? Asian people did not invent Velveeta cheese.
[pasted from pabulum.ext212.com]
Dude. Dude. Dude. Easy on the comments. Lord.
no doubt. talk about rude… isn’t it a little rude to post a novel in the comments area? jon’s gonna have to check his disc quota after that one.
Just so I understand you, “asian food is not a scam”, when I go to your restaurant (which I assume exists so that people, including me, will go there), I’m to allow you to stare at my funny white looks, but I’m not, under any circumstances to stare back, or peep your chopstick technique (and why the fuck not that, may I ask?), or accidentally overhear your “lanuguage,” or acknowledge your existence by introducing myself (no matter what my Mommy taught me), or talk about anyone else’s food, or even casually wonder what they’re eating, or ask anyone any questions about anything. And if I’m so white that I simply can’t help but pester the waiter with a question about the food he’s serving in HIS FUCKING RESTAURANT, I must do it discretely, without pointing at anyone’s food or verbally identifying their food or making any indication that I am on any level aware that their food exists. I wonder how he will know what I’m talking about? Oh well, at least he’ll have plenty of time to slice my chicken for me. What? He’s not going to provide that friendly service? Good thing no white person has EVER requested that a waiter in any restaurant on earth do so.
I have Asian friends. Some of them let me look at them while they eat. They are offended by the content in your post. Are you dining now, “asian food is not a scam”? No? Good. That gives me a chance to say, “Fuck you very much, and good evening.”
Ladies and gentlemen, Wendy’s icon Dave Thomas has risen from the dead, just to bitch about dining. It’s a sign of the coming End!
Unless it was just the Dave Thomas from that horrible old SCTV.
Or just “a” Dave Thomas.
Can you believe there’s a Paul Thomas Anderson film coming that stars Adam Sandler? Weird.
i think dave needs a nap.
Jesus, who let David Foster Wallace in?
You were right, stace. I took a nap. and I still think “asian food is not a scam” is a bum.
(Sorry for the highjack, Armstrong.)
p.s. Jesus, who let David Foster Wallace’s naggy mother in?
Whoa there, cowboy. I was referring to mister I number my comments, not you. I’ve got nothing ut love for you. I’m a huge fan of your fries.
Back at you. Did I really assume, without batting an eye, that someone was comparing me with David Foster Wallace? Yes, I did. I am an ass. Better take another nap.
Hmmm. So that entire rant on Asian food was reprinted from another blog? If only there was some easy way we could have gotten from this blog to that one, so the entire thing wouldn’t need to be re-posted. Kind of a “link” bewteen the two sites, if you will. I think I’m onto something.
That said, I thought it was kind of funny.
i was just joking. i didn’t know this would turn into a huge heated debate. i take it back. asian food is not a scam.
except for maybe dim sum.
now just one minute here, david. who are you calling david foster wallace’s naggy mother? i really agree with you, pabulum is the one who needs a nap. what a place for a rant. what exactly did he take offense to here? or did he run a search for “asian food” and just thought this was as good a place as any to blow up?
feel the love, pabulum. nothin but love.