An Orgasm of Shit
November 9th, 2003I was originally going to title this entry, “Showing the Better Half Too Much of My Ass Crack,” but I realized I’ve spent the majority of the last two weeks revealing far too much crack to my better half and she doesn’t need to read that kind of garbage from me on the internet. She’s seen it as I’ve been bending over to lift, paint, nudge and piledrive.
All of this comes because we are besieged by the Gantt chart/Visio wireframe involving the arrival of a newborn. That and our desire to complete the nursery before the child actually arrives. If I were left to my own devices, the nursery would consist of an iPod (40 gb) and a G5 (dual 2 Ghz) box. The baby would fit right into the G5 box and be ready to code PHP within three months after listening to subliminal coding lessons ripped and played back on the iPod.
So the nursery must be done and without cardboard boxes. We are faced with a bit of a situation. In order to make the nursery happen, two-thirds of our house must be upended and rearranged as if it were one of those sliding tile puzzles where there is one tile missing and you have to move everything just so to complete the picture that the tiles make if completed correctly. Imagine completing the picture, but being one column off. This is what we are faced with.
Everybody’s got a basement somewhere, and it’s full of shit. In order to actually finish the nursery, all the basment shit has to be unpacked (yes, I know we moved in six months ago and yes I know my wife is six months pregnant) and rearranged so that the garage shit, of which a subset contains the aforementioned nursery, can be moved in to the room formely known as the guest room and the better half’s former office can claim the title of guest bedroom. Add to that years of moving without properly purging and times that by two. Add to that the sudden realization that of the 7000 lbs which you paid to have moved, you will have lifted 75% in the past 18 hours. Your stubborn, southern and pregnant wife will have lifted most of it, dusted it, and arranged it with the precision the Teutons would have admired. I’m not lying when I say that as I was untangling and coiling a few spare ethernet cables, my amazing wife had completely organized a full third of the worst room in the basement.
Meanwhile, the garage has become a staging area for the nursery. It’s set to pop because it’s also the staging area for the garage sale we’re going to have. Next Spring. The garage itself is a micro version of the tile puzzle and so every time a box or bag is added, the puzzle is reset and must be re-solved. I’ve moved everything in the garage at least four times since we’ve moved in, and before the nursery is done, I’m sure it will have all been moved four more times.
Did I mention, prior to welcoming the baby, we are going to completely demolish and rebuild our kitchen? o
How’s Chuck handling all this moving around of things and rooms?
My condolences on your over-developed nesting urges. Maybe you’ll contract post-partum depression too, and get a little rest.
the chinese believe that moving furniture, and basically changing the surroundings of your home while close to/in the third trimester disorients the baby ( cue mystic music, yada yada yada ) and is bad.
anything to get out of work :p
We just did the same thing, and I absolutely sympathize with your situation. We gutted the guestroom, turned it into a nursery over the course of two weeks, then moved on to the master bedroom (conveniently stored in the nursery during the MBR work). After barely letting the dust settle from two rooms’ worth of insulation, sheetrock, electril wiring, light fixtures, paint, bi-fold doors and curtains, we moved promptly onto the kitchen — only a couple weeks before Caroline was born, in June.
the kitchen remodel involved removing all the cabinets, countertops, ceiling soffets, and a lot of truly hideous wallpaper. A few weeks later, the new cabinets were installed, the plumbing straightened out, the appliences replaced, the dishwasher finally installed, and the countertops put in place. Just last week, the ceilings were finished and textured. Now, the only thing left is the floor (hardwood or Pergo coming soon!).
I applaud my wife for putting up with my dramatic urge to “nest” in preparation for the baby. I’m glad we did all the work before hand, however, since she can sleep soundly in the nursery and not worry about dad barging in with a paintbrush while she’s getting her beauty sleep.
Have fun with it. I’m sure you will eventually solve the sliding tile puzzle!
your idea of a nursery sounds perfect to me. but it makes me wonder if you got dooce a shirt that reads:
ya know, that comment would have been a lot better had the html code been displayed. let’s try this…
your idea of a nursery sounds perfect to me. but it makes me wonder if you got dooce a shirt that reads:
“”
“”
grumble. i suck. never mind.
Jimbo,
No HTML allowed! Even fake! I got the joke, even if no one else was able to see it. Came across fine in the notification email.
Eeek! It makes me want to hide just reading about it!
Well, on the bright side, all that work will keep you from gaining weight along with your wife.
My wife and I live in an apartment, so the extent of our renovations in preparation for baby were shoving things in closets to make room for a crib and then a pack’n'play and then a mountain of baby gear, which still remains largely piled in a corner instead of neatly folded and arranged on shelves, of which we have plenty.
The net result of that was that I gained the same 30 lbs my wife did during the pregnancy. She lost all of it within two weeks of Leilani being born: Leilani will be two in june, and I’m still carrying my extra 30.