Unsolicited Advice For the New Father
March 10th, 2004If you are going to have your baby in a hospital, take at least $100 in cash. You’ll need it for all the food you’ll have to buy for yourself. Plus, you don’t want to be skimping during those first few days. You need the energy. You also need the hash browns. Those first mornings are like the worst hang over you’ve ever had, minus the alcohol. Greasy potatoes are nice. Don’t let those low-carb nutjobs tell you otherwise.
If the hospital offers you a cot to sleep on, it will be the noisiest, most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever experienced. But you won’t care so much. Just try not to move.
Before you change your first diaper, inspect the Huggies. We got a bad batch and I fumbled for what seemed like 30 minutes (it wasn’t that long, but Leta was pretty upset about it) digging out the fasteners from a bad production run of newborn diapers. Even the nurse commented and gave us a new pack.
Take all the blankets and shirts you can. The hospital doesn’t care; they expect it.
Drink plenty of water.
During the delivery, I experienced something that hasn’t happened since I played drums for hours on end; drum-butt sweat. It ain’t pretty. So wear something that will allow your butt sweat to be comfortably wicked away and hidden from public view. My Lucky Jeans™ weren’t so lucky in the ass sweat department.
Give the mom everything. She’s been through hell for that cute baby.
Get plenty of days off from work. You’ll want that time with your kid. Work, schmork. That deadline isn’t going to comfort the mom or the baby. These early days won’t last forever. Pretty soon she’ll be asking for credit cards and computers and cell phones and a phat ride and a tattoo or two and maybe a few piercings… sorry that’s a nightmare I had last night.
Lean on everybody for food. We had a lot of food help early on and it was awesome. Plus, we discovered some new dishes we like.
The first poops are the worst. Even worse than the biggest blowout you can imagine. The meconium is like nothing I’ve ever seen. NASA couldn’t make a weirder, more difficult to remove substance.
Poop will be an hourly topic of discussion and concern. If you are uncomfortable talking about, smelling, cleaning or dealing with poop, I recommend you read something and get over it. Poop is the biggest barometer of a babies health and even if your partner/wife/mom isn’t chronically constipated, you will be talking about poop all the time.
Everything you read or are told involving the baby and the issues of parenting are enshrouded by an agenda, some not so hidden. At first, you’re happy for all the information. Then it’s like you’ve been involved with the Christian Coalition, PETA and NOW all in the space of 3 paragraphs. Take a shower and wash all those toxins off. Is the baby fed? Clean diaper? Sleeping? After those things, then we can talk about whether or not he should vote Kerry in 2004.
Also, and this is the most important thing I feel I need to share: there are times during delivery when you should look at the emerging baby and times when you should look into the mom’s eyes. The episiotomy would fall into the latter category. o
Haunted by some imagery are we?
I have thoroughly enjoyed both you and dooce’s blogs. And while I have yet to have a frog of my own, I’m happy to know about your expreriences…boobs, poop, kitchen remodel and all! What a wonderful gift to your daughter to know that both parents documented her existence since learning that the egg was fertilized. I know she will have a colourful childhood with much humor and matter of factness to grow into a quite a unique character in her own right. Best wishes to you and your loved ones.
you know what — i SO agree with what gia just said! and the love jumping at me while reading each and every post of both of you makes me feel better the instance i read it (especially the boob-poop-lack-of-sleep-breastfeeding kinda posts). and in a way — jealous ;o) alles, alles liebe fuer euch drei!!
Things for the mom not to look at: the baby’s head coming out and resembling a water balloon being squeezed back and forth. I saw about 3 seconds of this and it was plenty! My mom and Dan saw the whole thing though, and 7 months later they are still like ‘Holy shit dude you are so lucky you stopped looking!’
As a father of three, poop has been an intergral part of my daily life. (Just wait until you get your first floater in the bathtub.) Embrace your poopy side.
And by the way, poop is the biggest barometer of a baby’s health and the 2004 election.
there are times during delivery when you should look at the emerging baby and times when you should look into the momís eyes
YES! My rule for birth was…eyes ABOVE the waist. NO ONE needs to see what is happening down there….take away that mirror cause I CERTAINLY don’t want to see it.
2 c-sections meant I never had to police that rule.
amen brother…add to that $100 a calling card of sorts so you can call everyone long distance if you need to. The hospital our monkey (Cletus the Fetus) was born at only had a Cafe and a Wendy’s. To this day the Eleanor special references a small chili with cheeze, 99 cent fries and a side salad. $3.45 in NC dollars….
Take care of your girls.
psquared
I’m 30 weeks pregnant and reading both of your blogs prepares me for what’s to come.
You guys are good parents.
Give the mom everything. Sheís been through hell for that cute baby.
Definetly- including non hospital food. She is going to be ravenous and most likely not so interested in the jello fruit cup. Flowers are a must!
call me a goober…but you and dooce’s writing/outlook on life rocks!
I had my baby boy about 2 weeks before you guys, and I have totally enjoyed reading both your blogs and dooce’s blogs - pregnancy and baby.
Keep up the good work!
my best friend and her husband just found out they are expecting. I’ve been reading both your blogs and have advised my friends to read past archives. I have no children of my own and have never been too fond of having kids though I enjoy them alot… some of these stories have scared the hell out of me ..but you both seem to be doing great with the frog and are helping see that it really isn’t that bad. Good luck and thanks to you both for sharing your everyday lives with us.
Our Little Marmot is due any day now, and since my husband is somewhat unprepared for this endeavor (defending his doctoral dissertation next week!), I’ve been using you and dooce as “educational reading.” I think I’ll tape a copy of this post to his forehead. You two are providing a great public service (despite the fear that sometimes rises up from my gut when I read dooce’s posts - oh wait, maybe that’s the heartburn). Best wishes to you both and to Leta (just so you know, Lena has been on our name list for ages and we’re not weird “let’s be like the Armstrongs” people).
I took a full 3 months without pay (via FMLA) to spend with our daughter when she was born. It delayed the inevitable long period of daycare ahead and allowed us to bond (sorry for the cliche). It was tough financially and professionally but it was the best time I have ever spent doing anything. I highly recommend it.
Thanks for keeping it real! My bean is due in October and I totally appreciate you and Dooce telling it like it is and not sugar coating anything. Both of you have helped terrify and put my husband at ease about a lot of things!
Wonderful. Well put withoutout being incredibly gross. We must inform the dads to be!
Wonderful. Well put without being incredibly gross. We must inform the dads to be!
My insane mother had a baby when she was 46. Some cruel motherfucker (the birthing coach/partner person) handed me a camera and said “she wants pictures of this”, “this” being…well….THAT. So guess who got to snap the pics of her own mom’s cooch?? Yep…..me. I tell people that story and they stop asking me why I’m in therapy.
Thanks for the advise. I will be going though this experience for the first time in less than 4 months! Changing nasty diapers for the first little while is out of the question for me, with my sensitive sence of smell and my weak stomach, it won’t be pretty.
When my wife and I had our first (her third), we arrived at the hospital at 7am and our 10lb 2oz baby boy popped out at 10:35am after a 2 hour labour. It was all fairly straight forward (but amazing to witness).
And yes, flowers are an excellent thing.
are we ever going to get a first-person blow-by-blow of dooce’s labor experience as she remembers it? i’ve been waiting for that post ever since the eviction notice. i’ve been loving the post-leta updates from both of you, but in case she’s searching for subject matter, just a request from one ardent fan …
I have never in my life ever heard you say the word poop.
After finding your wife’s blog and now yours, I think I am ready to finally remodel my small bungalow kitchen (ok maybe not) and welcome this little baby into the world, poop and all! Hell if any of my adventures turn out half as hilarious as yours, I am guarenteed the time of my life! Of course I don’t have the snow to contend with, but we do have hurricanes (I’ll stick with the non frozen type of large amounts of water)!
the best advice we got–which I’ll pass along, since unsolicted advice is the theme here–was to bring a lot of singles. For vending machines.
We had our first kid 6wks ago, and getting food and diet coke in the middle of the night would’ve been impossible w/o dollar bills.
Congratulations, btw. great blogs