Gas Perm
April 24th, 2004It’s been a little too Maudlinville Town Crier around here lately. It’s time to talk about something besides that which cannot be written or how shitty the GOP is or how evil this administration has been.
The biggest change in my life has been the birth of Leta. The changes are physiological as well as emotional.
I wear contact lenses. It’s as if someone has taken my existing prescription and swapped out my lenses with something entirely new. When I look at things, it is with a different set of eyes. But that’s just one part of it. Along with this new focus comes a deeper definition of what love is, what it means to love (both Heather and Leta) and what I’m capable of feeling. To hold Leta while Heather bathes her is priceless. Words fail to describe the beauty and joy of such moments.
There was a time in my life when I thought I wouldn’t have children. The reasons were many, and made a great deal of sense to me then. I’m glad that I didn’t have children. But I’m so glad that we have Leta now. Yes, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When she cries and I’m watching her so Heather can sleep, there are those moments when the beauty fades and it’s like holding the most raw, unstable element (probably Lawrencium) without any protection from the long half-life of the isotope. It’s scary. The emotions of love and wonder have their opposites. Fury and rancor. I haven’t yet yelled at Leta, but I’ve come close. It’s a miracle that Heather can still love this baby after all the screaming she’s done while I’m at work (I hear it on the phone when Heather calls. Pretty much during every call).
Even with the darkest moments, the new vision forces me to see more clearly and I’m much slower to anger and have fewer moments of irrationality. Well, ok, I’m _always_ irrational. Just not as short-fused as I was a couple of years ago.
Things have been very hard lately outside of the Leta realm, and watching Heather suffer from the radioactive screaming hasn’t helped. However, tonight I sang as I got Leta ready for her bath, and she smiled so big her gums showed. There have only been a few moments in my life where a look has caused such a massive change of heart — one happened in Los Angeles, across the table at DuPar’s at 3rd and Fairfax, but that’s another story for another day — and by God did I need a change of heart tonight.
Thank you, Leta, frog princess. o
that was so well said.
Hang in there Dad. You are doing just fine.
What’s important is that you and heather “get it” - the whole mystery of parenting - and you so do understand, as is apparent from reading your posts. Leta is a lucky girl and we wish you peace & wellness in the months to come! Puppy too -
Maybe she is trying to say “You actually called me Fawnzelle?”
*hugs* From what I see, that wee girl is surrounded with so much love.
This warmed my heart, which needs more warming the older I get.
That brought a tear to my eye.
Heather and Leta are so lucky to have someone as loving and caring as you in their lives.
You and you’re wife have made me tear up on more occasions than I can count. I’m a single mom, but you two describe marriage and being parents as I’ve always thought it should be. Especially the unconventional parts. Thanks for showing me that.
Very fine post.
Dude, you’re a fucking poet.
wow. that sounds awe inspiring and terrifying at the same time. i don’t think i could deal with that kind of responsibility. at least not yet.
i think for at least a little while longer i’m going to contine to keep my penis as the object i’m most emotionally attached to.
or maybe a puppy.
and no, those are totally not related.
i promise.
tmj, you might want to consider NEVER MENTIONING YOUR PENIS AGAIN on the internet. Just a suggestion.
I know a man who has 8 children and he is the most laid-back guy I know. I guess it must come with the territory.
Fantastic post.
Situations like this make me sad for all of the guys who have kids, but aren’t dads.
Man you are in for SO much more “wonder-ment”.
Your post made me smile all gummy-like too.
that was fucking beautiful. seriously.
Baby dimetap and gravol make babies sleep wonderfully during the day and wives stop screaming.
if you haven’t yet yelled at your child, you’re a better man than i.
actually, at leta’s age, my daughter had not been yelled at too much. we attributed any screamable behaviour to her being a baby, but now that she’s 2.666 (evil! evil!) years old, and can talk back and have just incredible tantrums, i’ve done my fair share of yelling, not that i’m proud of that.
btw, tell heather i did not curse you two to not seeing eternal sunshine. and no, my wife and i haven’t escaped our prison long enough to try to see it again, and we probably won’t be able to before it comes to video. we are enjoying our aluminum foil tho.
I’ve all but forgotten the sound of a screaming infant. My neice is now 19 years old, my nephew 14, and they are most likely the only babies I’ll ever come to know. My partner doesn’t want children, unfortunately. I think I’ll live vicariously here, if you don’t mind. Lovely website, as is Heather’s.
I hope one day to experience this same bliss, but for now, living vicariously through you is glorious. It is frightening how close you can get to a family just by reading their blogs on the internet. All coolness aside- You guys are wonderful.
Hope the house has calmed a bit. I have a 17 month old, and I offer no advice… the screaming is hell. My only hope is to retaliate when he’s 15 with something ridiculous and embarrassing. we’re working on a master plan.
If you need something to look forward to, may I suggest getting a babysitter and heading to see “Napoleon Dynamite” this summer. I saw an advanced screening a few days ago - and being a former Idahoan, I know no one who may appreciate this film more than you and your wife.
I hope everything eases up soon. She’s a beautiful baby. Not that that mutes the screaming entirely.
And not to sound selfish, but
“one happened in Los Angeles, across the table at DuParís at 3rd and Fairfax, but thatís another story for another day”
I’m so curious now. Do tell in time.
first time commenter - love what you have to say. sounds like you are doing just fine. way to go, you’re making a lot of people proud.
About a half-dozen dips of her binky in your freshly-poured Negra Modelo ought to do the trick. The alsohol calms her nerves and beer settles her stomache.
anyone who see’s you do this & gives you the High & Mighty is either too fundamentalist to open their yap or has never been charged with a screaming infant.
would like to know the other story that caused the ‘massive change of heart’
i never thought i would have kids either, but the wonder of it all has changed my whole entire life. i have two young ones. listening to their chatter is often times better than the sweetest song.
You and Heather seem like the ideal set of parents and I love hearing you guys tell it like it is without sugar coating how easy it is to raise a child the way most people do.
This has had the effect of pushing me off the fence entirely and convincing me that I do not want children. So in a weird way, thanks for that.
Time to update BLURBOMAT.
Not to be a total bummer.. but wait until they scribble the most wonderful piece of “marker art” all over the living room carpet.
Yea. You still love them. You only want to beat them for about 12 minutes, and you still want to pinch the cute baby butt… but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make you question your sanity.