Leta
January 3rd, 2005One of the recurring themes in Leta’s childhood development (and we sharing our ups and downs) is that people love to weigh in with advice. While advice is good, and sharing is good, some of the email and comments border on the pathological. And some are just mean. No one is surprised at the Blurbodoocery.
Asking people to be considerate on the internet is like asking some people to breath with their mouth closed (Mouth breathers, no offense. Just joking.) or to pick their knuckles off the floor (Simians, no offense. Just joking.). Instead of making a futile request, I figure that if I share some stuff, maybe people won’t be so quick with the mean emails and comments.
So here’s an email I sent to an anonymous commenter using a fake email address that bounced back. Fucking anonymous fuckers.
Hey,
I don’t know if you are aware of a few things, so I’m writing in hopes that any concerns you have might be alleviated. Your tone came across a touch condescending (as if we were somehow ignoring Leta’s needs) and I thought it might be good to share some information. This is a very touchy subject for Heather and the person who made the comment previously had sent Heather a lot of email that wasn’t kind and had such a negative tone that it eventually turned into harassment. After the year we’ve had, I tend to regard harassment as something that requires action. I don’t think you were being harassing at all, just so you know, but when Heather gets comments that are well-meaning but that bother her, my protective instincts kick in.
Some info:
- Leta had an MRI in September of 2004. There were no signs of abnormality in her skull or brain development. Our radiologist said that because the pediatrician had concerns, we should do it again when she’s two, but that was only because it would be a definitive way to see if there were any problems, not that there were problems. Our pediatrician, after reviewing the MRI scans, called us and said we couldn’t have hoped for better results; Leta’s brain is normal.
- Our pediatrician visits have occurred as scheduled. Leta goes to physical therapy every week. Both the physical therapist and pediatrician have not mentioned autism once.
- Many children don’t walk on “schedule” or crawl on “schedule”. One of the things I’ve learned about parenting is that there is no schedule. Every kid is different. Heather never crawled, she scooted. Leta is starting to show signs of crawling, and she sits up normally and reaches and moves normally. She just doesn’t want to crawl, but we are doing all kinds of exercises. Leta doesn’t like putting weight on her legs, but she’s starting to show signs of changing.
- Heather is extraordinarily sensitive about people making comments about Leta and Leta’s development. Whatever your opinion about Leta, rest assured that we are watching her every day, and working with her to develop at HER SPEED. We can’t force Leta to want to stand up, but we can encourage her through exercise and positive reinforcement. It’s rough going, but Leta has responded very well to physical therapy.
- We live and breathe research.
- Leta is worth every effort we are putting into her learning and growth.
Thanks,
jon (Leta’s dad)
Here’s a page that talks about what parents of autistic children said they saw demonstrated when their children were infants/toddlers. Of the bulleted list, there are two items of concern for us. One is the hand flapping and the other is toe walking. Our concerns may be unfounded as my family all were hand flappers and twisters, as were Heather’s. This movement is referred to as stimming. Leta doesn’t like to put pressure on the soles of her feet, but the physical therapy we do is pretty intense and she’s gradually being less sqawky about standing up. I’m not sure if what she does in her bouncy chair is toe walking. She still has her monkey toes, but I don’t think that is a sign of autism. Leta loves to make eye contact and smiles at people who talk to her nicely. She smiles at all her extended family members and it is extraordinarily cute. She also plays peek-a-boo, and will even instigate this herself with her froggy blanket thing. She also likes to talk. A lot. Some of this is loud talking, some is very quiet. Point: we are watching her diligently. Just because we like to drink now and then, doesn’t mean Leta is being raised by Chuck and the roaming pack of wolves that frequents our neighborhood.
So, Internet, chill your shit out with the autism, ok? o
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:09 am
Jon:
The only action that these negative, harrassing fucktards need is to be routed to a bit bucket, preferably /dev/null.
It’d be presumptuous of me to think that I was more concerned about your kid than you were. I mean, good gravy, it’s not as if you and Heather post every last thought you have about the kid on here—if you did, you’d never get anything else done, I’d imagine. You allow us to see but brief glimpses into your [[maybe not so much anymore] wild and crazy] lives, and while it’s nice and sweet and all that we’re concerned on some level about your kid—as we should be about ANY KID!—good gravy.
Teach Chuck to bite these people’s ankles or something. Tell him that Internet-fucktards taste like rawhide chewbones.
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:30 am
Anyone that has had NORMAL children, would know that they all develop in different ways and at different rates.
Leta is a beautiful girl and will do what she wants to, when she’s damned good and ready.
Here’s to hoping that all the “Internet-fucktards” fall face first into a big pile of Chuck-poo and take their negative comments with them!
Melanie
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:36 am
Jon, I hope you and Heather fully realize exactly how LOVED –yes, freaking LOVED–y’all are on here…
I know there are idiots who want to spout out “knowledge” or their judgements, or just plain hate, but please know that the majority of your readers come her and to dooce.com because we enjoy your stories, we enjoy your photos, and we enjoy seeing and reading about a part of your lives.
I’ll just say thanks to you and Heather for allowing us to be part of it. You, Heather, Leta and Chuck are all beautiful people (and dog!)
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:37 am
I get the impression that many of your (and heather’s) readers tend to forget that you’re actually real life people and not actors whether they’re conscious of it or not.
Judging by the often times most bizarre comments left on both sites, it seems that there are some readers who treat this daily exercise as their daytime soap opera. And while that might get them through their day, I can imagine that it’s insanely frustrating for the two of you.
The Internet thrives on gossip, especially the blogosphere. For every wonderful writer, designer, musician, political buff, and photographer, there are 100 thoughtless individuals out solely to make their days more “entertaining”. If that means saying something hurtful to set someone off, then so be it.
While it’s easy to say and think “ignore it”, I know from personal experience that’s impossible to do. But with posts like the one you just wrote, I hope at least a few will think twice before writing such things.
Is there an MT Plug-in for Empathy?
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:37 am
Blurb & Dooce-
It’s hard to believe that people feel that they have legitimate reasons to question and reproach you for the way you are raising Leta. They believe they are experts on your life after reading a few minutes and experiences from your life that you have chosen to share with us all . The NERVE!
Here’s to a wonderful and healthy year for us all!
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:37 am
nicely done. not that that person deserved your time and effort, but i certainly understand the desire to set folks straight.
know that for every intrusive moron out there writing you bullshit “advice”, there are a fucking ton of folks out here who adore you guys and are 1,000% on your side. we got your back, homies.
aside: mina has been slow to do many things “on schedule”, and i too have learned that there IS NO SCHEDULE. so fuck that noise, and enjoy leta as she is, at each stage of development. she’ll soon be running around the house driving you guys batshit — no need to speed the process unnecessarily. heh.
many smooches and power-fist throwing into the air (LETA POWER!) for all yous armstrongs.
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:44 am
Geez! I can’t imagine if the internet had had the option of participating in the early development of my children. What a nightmare.
I’ll try to make this a short story but I’m not usually very successful at that thing.
My youngest son was born with a very rare disorder that almost killed him soon after birth and left him with some pretty severe brain damage. He had a liver transplant at 8 months of age which “cured” his disorder but left him with ongoing medical issues. (That is such an abbreviated version of the story I just impressed myself). Suffice to say…I’ve have more experience with pediatric hospitals, doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nurses and technicians than anyone I have ever met. I have also had the opportunity to meet and get to know LOTS of parents. Parents who are dealing with issues as extreme as my son’s as well as less extreme like Leta’s. I also drink now and then and sometimes joke about selling my son to the gypsys (can you imagine what the internet would say about that?) That doesn’t mean that I also haven’t made decisions that have saved my son’s life nor does it mean that I neglect him in any way. I read your blogs almost daily. My laymans assessment? You rock. You’re doing a great job. Screw the knowitalls.
January 3rd, 2005 at 11:58 am
And herein lies the intrinsic danger of operating a widely-read blog. I agree that presumptuous asshats should be dispatched accodingly, and good job doing so with your response above. HOWEVER, one must expect a certain amount of idiocy, especially given that dooce and blurb contain sincere pieces of writing, i.e. no obvious subterfuge or artifice.
Laying your life out for public observance is not without it’s price. Looks like you and Heather handle it reasonably and with grace. Well done.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:08 pm
As well, your AUDIENCE has a level of responsibility. This is a longstanding danger of art: You risk misinterpretation of your work. Beyond that, you risk your audience establishing a false bond with you based on what little you put out there, which is not nearly sufficent to form a reasonable opinion. As readers, espcially on a medium as slippery as the net, we have a responsibility to NOT take what we read or see too seriously. Heartfelt blogs like dooce complicate this and blur the line.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:10 pm
Huh. I was an extremely difficult, hand flapping, toe walking, not-properly crawling baby. And yet… not autistic. Go figure.
Seriously, autism? Some time I need to toss a quarter into the internet to see if, indeed, the potential for lameness actually is bottomless.
My martial arts instructor mentioned once that the only issue he’s ever seen with people who didn’t crawl properly as babies is that they can’t do an “animal walk” (left hand - right foot/ right hand - left foot) very easily (and how often do you see adults doing that?), but that not crawling “properly” is also common in children who test as “gifted” later. YMMV, and I haven’t researched that, purely anecdotal, but there you go.
Autism. Jeebus.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:13 pm
I worked on a daily basis with autistic kids for years and now do occasional work with kids who have aspergers syndrome in a swimming pool environment. I don’t see any signs of autism in Lena and it was not something that I even thought of until now — she looks into the camera when you are taking a picture of her. If anything she is a little star in the making!
When I read the email sent by the inconsiderate person on Dooce’s site I actually shook my head because that person didn’t know what they were talking about — it was a thinly veiled attempt to create fear and hurt Heather. And, in the blogging and Internet world, that is not only immature but completely inappropriate. Itís like slapping someone in the schoolyard because you got to a swing before they did.
In 15 years of working with kids I learned that they come in all shapes and sizes and in all kinds of developmental rates — in a swimming pool some kids will put their face in and blow bubbles the first time you ask and others will take 5 sets of lessons to do it — if at all.
As was mentioned earlier you canít push kids to do things on schedule because they are little humans with their own beliefs and personalities. Leta will progress when she is ready — and when she is sprinting from cupboard to cupboard looking for things that are interesting (and dangerous) you will reminisce about the good old days.
Sorry for the novel.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:17 pm
Someone told me that advice is just that: advice. I don’t have to listen to it or take it to heart.
Once I understood that and then started following it, my stress levels with my kids went way down. So, smile and nod (or just punch delete) then go home to do the exact opposite.
For people who get foul with you - start a list like a blogroll. Just list your hater’s names and email addresses for the spam bots to pick up. Some of your readers would likely help that along too, in more ways than one.
Ever think they are getting worse about it because you draw attention to it? I dunno - the thought just occured to me that it may be the case. Some people get their jollies out of getting a mention on your site however they get to do it.
If you are raising Leta to what you know is right then who gives a rat’s ass about HOW you do it. I think everyone agrees that you guys are normal and non-abusive people. Why would they doubt that you can raise children?
FWIW I also tiptoed for years. To this day I can barely tolerate socks and shoes. Yet, I am normal. (Click the link to my blog if you don’t believe me) I am not an illiterate, autistic, bimbo-murderess, IN FRANCE!!!
Those comments are a grain of salt and why put them into an open wound? Just toss ‘em over your shoulder for good luck.
Cheers
-K
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:19 pm
Ugh. I feel so bad for everyone who gets that unsolicited advice. Especially when it isn’t the well-meaning-but-misguided type and is just pure mean.
At least with these jagdorks you can be as mean, nasty and generally unleashed as you want to be in your responses because, hey, what do you care what they think? It’s not like it’s coming from some relative you will have to make nice with for the rest of your life.
It makes you wonder what *these* people’s kids are like. I can picture someone standing over a 10-month-old with a riding crop, “YOU VILL VALK!!!” Asshats they are …
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:19 pm
Amen, Jon.
You guys rock. Leta is beautiful. We are privileged to read your blogs.
Nuff said.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:24 pm
I think you guys are doing great with Leta and she is simply beautiful! My kids have all been arm flappers - I always just thought that they were VERY expressive and without much vocabulary it all built up and they didn’t know what to do with it - plus I have been known to throw my arms around a bit too!
I have 3 girls and not one of them has developed the same as the others. Every child is unique and if someone is stupid enough to think that you are neglecting her needs because Leta has her own schedule - then fuck them!
All I can say is watch out because if she’s got her own agenda when she is this young - just wait til she’s 2 and 10 and 16 and 21 - oh boy will life be fun then!
Hug her and kiss her and try to delete emails and comments before Heather sees them.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:27 pm
Kudos to you Blurb for your well detailed response to the anonymous fucktard. People like that need to get the hell off the internet and leave it to the rest of us that truely love to read dooce and blurbomat on a daily basis. If the fucktards don’t have the balls to own up to their comments then they are not worth the 1s and 0s that they are trying to spit out on the internet.
You have a beautiful family and you have every right to be proud of that. Leta will do just fine - she has great parents and a wonderful dog showing her the way
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:28 pm
jon, thanks for such a well-considered reply. it’s good to have a succinct reference for what has and is going on with leta’s developmental timeline. my son will be eight months old on saturday, and i’ve frequently looked to you and heather to see what is around the corner for us. of course, CX and leta are developing differently–I think CX might walk before he crawls, for example, since he *loves* to pull up and stand and ‘dance’, but isn’t so big on being on his tummy for more than a couple of minutes–but they’re close enough in age so that i can watch leta from afar and say, “aha, so THAT’S what such-and-such is like for them.”
i have to thank you for sharing so much of your lives. while your circumstances are very different from ours, you are (in a strange way) our parenting peers. my husband and i are the first in our various circles of friends to have a baby, and while there are a few pregnant mamas and newborns in our circle, we’re kind of blazing the trail. it’s extremely helpful to visit your sites to see how and what you are doing.
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:40 pm
Almost every day, I am amazed by some of the things that people comment on dooce.com and here - so I can’t imagine what they say in the emails. I hate that people got so shitty that you felt you had to somehow explain yourself. It’s very obvious that the love you have (and Heather has) for your family is mighty. Leta can’t go wrong in a house like that!
January 3rd, 2005 at 12:58 pm
Well, this is the downside to a blog that deals with your personal life, yes? Not for nothing, but I would not post pictures of my child or my name or what city I live in on a blog for all the tea in China. People are crazy. I learned that long before I became a parent.
And then there is this: my son is autistic and it is not a curse nor is it not the end of the world. It’s part of who he is. My son is my son is my son.
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:10 pm
You tell ‘em!
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:13 pm
Wow. Finally something I know about.
My elder son is severely autistic. Leta is not autistic. I can’t believe for one minute that we are even discussing it. Some idiot suggested it, a person who posts all over the net, looking for jobs, love, affection, attention. Very. very sad case.
Leta is lovely. She reminds me of my second son, who is perfectly normal (didn;t walk until almost 14 months, didn’t talk until almost three, now top of his classes. Winner at sports day etc.)
Let Leta be Leta. Have a great 2005.
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Jon (the Daddy Bear) doing a great job on lookout for his family. You Go, Guy!
Yesterday at church we had a visitor as old as my own mom, and the lady’s name is Leta. Pronounced with a long E sound. My first real life meeting with someone called that. The baby name book says it means Gladness.
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:16 pm
What a great dad and husband. Have a happy New Year.
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:31 pm
I didn’t read all of the above comments so I’m sorry if this is a re-run.
I can’t believe some people would be so quick to propogate such negativity to people they don’t even know. It’s so funny how they think they know you when all they do is read bits and pieces of your life online.
I also cannot believe these people think they know so much more than you when it comes to raising your child.
It makes me wonder what they do with their day. How do they have so much time to watch someone else’s child like a hawk? Also, if they hate everything you’re doing so much, why bother reading it? I read Dooce all the time and it honestly amazes me how people who claim to hate her so much read her page so often.
I guess I’m naive.
I think you are both doing well, as far as I can see. You look like a happy, healthy family.
Happy New Year!
January 3rd, 2005 at 1:43 pm
All I know is, my parents (god bless em) could not devote the nearly the same amount of time or resources you and Heather are able to give to Leta, and somehow (shock!) I turned out just fine–although not “normal” in any sense
–which I chalk up to *never* doubting that my parents love me more than anything else in the world, and that they would do everything in their power to take care of me.
I think you’ve got that particular facet of responsible parenthood well covered.