The Day I Thought I’d Never See
January 12th, 2006Given recent comments on recent blurbs about a movie that involves a love story between two gay cowboys, I wanted to get a little more personal than I have of late.
I am straight. I am a straight man. I’ve never had to come out of any closet. I’ve never had to be careful whom I mention this to. I’ve never had my sexual orientation criminalized (even as a celibate Mormon missionary).
My oldest sister and I had a conversation about ten years ago after a family dinner at my mom’s place. I was still living in Utah at the time. We discussed how society at some point would have to accept homosexuality not as an abhorrent or aberrant behavior, but as a normal part of the human experience. Part of the burden of that acceptance would be on the gay community itself. By being responsible citizens and taking part in mainstream culture; being cops, firepeople and civil servants, for example. The trouble is that this is an enormous undertaking in most towns and cities in the United States. The culture in our cities and towns has to meet in the middle as well, and this was a harder thing to visualize than an out and proud gay cop. The gay community had already begun this process, but the larger, homophobic communities hadn’t done their part. Particularly in the conservative interior. During our conversation it was apparent that both sides would have to sacrifice and give. In larger cities, this had already happened at the time of the discussion, I just hadn’t experienced it first hand. I hadn’t experienced an open, tolerant city.
In the summer of 1998, I moved to San Francisco. It would take two years before I went to the Gay Pride march. I remember getting on the N-Judah Muni line and heading downtown from Cole Valley. At the next stop, a couple got on the train who, I’m aware this is stereotyping, were most definitely not from San Francisco. Matching Garth Brooks t-shirts (tank tops, I believe), mullets and matching denim shorts. They were a gay male couple. I watched them sneakily hold hands and then become more comfortable and less sneaky about their affection for one another. I tried to ascertain if they were being sarcastic or attempting irony in their fashion. They, like me, were on their way to the Pride March. I wondered where they came from, what kind of bullshit they had to put up with in Cedar Rapids, Tulsa, Salt Lake City or wherever they were from. And how much like Mecca San Francisco must have seemed. Then again, they could have hated San Francisco and not been a thing like what I projected onto them. Their presence on that train expanded my worldview of what it meant to be gay. Whenever I think about gay marriage, I always picture those two men.
Later, at the March, my eyes were opened further still. Yes, there were Dykes on Bikes. There were the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. But bigger than the naked people and the queens were the sheriff’s department employees, marching with their partners representing one of the first sheriff’s offices to actively recruit gays and lesbians. There were police department employees, marching with their partners. Firemen and Firewomen, marching with their partners. My world exploded. Here were gay people, taking the hard jobs, putting their lives on the line for me and my community. Every day. Every fucking day.
By God, they deserve to be equal citizens. If you are among those who think that homosexuality is somehow morally wrong, you might want to look a little closer at your community. They don’t want to convert you. They just want the same joy you get to have without the bigotry, the hatred and without the version of Jesus who says gay people shouldn’t be happy, just like you.
Until you stop seeing the sex, and start seeing human beings trying to figure it out, just like you, we’ll never move forward. This is the burden of the conservatives. The progressives are mostly there. This is the civil rights burden of our time. It’s not a rejection of God. It’s not a rejection of religion. It’s a rejection of hate, prejudice and ignorance. It’s a rejection of the most evil part of any organized group, Jesus or otherwise.
Dang, guys! First I get all teary over Heather’s post about Leta’s developmental progress (hooray!) and then Blurbomat has his own heartfelt and moving post. I’m going to have to stop reading you guys at work.
Very well said, Jon. We need more people like you. I’m straight too, but I also stick up for gay people when friends/family members/colleagues make stupid or uninformed comments. Feminists need the same kind of support from “the other side of the aisle.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so wonderful to read your post. I grew up as the daughter of two lesbians. When any of my friends learned that, they immediately focused on the idea of two women having sex. I found this very disappointing. I am so happy that there are other people that feel that there are more to gay and lesbian couples than sex. One of my mothers owns her own business and the other is a nurse. They are two of the hardest working people I have ever met. And they showed me that no matter how tough life is or how cruel society is, if you have love in your life, you will make it through. Thank you again Jon. You and Heather are doing a great job rasing a wonderful daughter, and you are all lucky to have each other.
Thanks Jon. Well said. As a former “self-righteous” WASP I appreciate your thoughts. One of the greatest things that has happened to me has been to become friends with a gay couple in our church – they actually feel safe there. Says a lot about them and also about the community that we have. Bigotry of any flavor or type is disgusting.
WH
This is a lovely post, so thoughtful and smart. I think this is the major problem with acceptance of people being gay, that everyone focuses on the sex aspect of it. My argument with people that do that is that there are some straight people that are incredibly obvious about their sexuality – Pamela Anderson, as a quick example – and no one seems to have an issue with that? I think the gay community could do themselves a favor by insisting that everyone just come to the parade dressed ‘normally’ – or dressed at all! Because you KNOW that the minute that someone comes to the parade in drag, or in chaps, or as Baby New Year, that is what the news is going to focus on and that is what Joe America is going to see on the news that night. Because let’s face it, Joe isn’t going to the Halloween Parade in the West Village of NYC. I know that it doesn’t seem fair, the argument is always that people should take them for what they are but they’re clearly not going to, so maybe we have to sneak around them.
Well said Jon, as always.
That was part of what I was getting at when I was saying that the school board should be teaching diversity from Kindergarten, not the sexual aspect, just the difference in the definition of family and such. We do indeed need to get past the sex. You said it all so well.
Right on. Type this out on fancy paper and send it to Larry H. Miller.
Beautifully and eloquently written.
I have such a hard time understanding why people just donít seem to get it.
I am a married Christian mother of two beautiful boys. I am also an ally of a welcoming and loving community of individuals, no matter what their religion (or no religion at all), sexual orientation, color, or favorite food is.
I am confident that God hears my prayers for such a wonderful world and wants that even more than I do.
I donít get as much traffic at my blog but Iíve gotta link this message.
Thank you for saying what my heart couldnít find the words for.
You know, I never had a problem with the sex part–barely thought of it at all–until Brokeback Mountain came out. I’ve heard what a terrific movie it is, and normally would want to see it, but I can’t get past the sex part. I just don’t want to see it. I am totally for gay rights, including gay marriage, but it bothers me that it bothers me when I see same sex couples kissing. Hand-holding, no problem. Sorry. Guess I still have some work to do on this. Or I can just accept being bothered and go see the movie. Maybe that’s the only work necessary. What do you think?
Effin’ brills, Jon.
I’m that person. I’m the little lesbian from South Arkansas who escaped to a bigger, better, more open place: NYC.
It feels good that we have loving people in the world like you.
Just wanted to chime in with my “me too!” Great post – very well said.
(And congrats on Leta’s progress, by the way! Yahoo!)
Jon, it is a relief to know that there are really people like you out there. I am glad you have such a flair for putting your feelings into words and the capability for sharing your thoughts to such a wide audience. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world filled with hate, bigotry, and forced religion but I know that I can come to your site and be moved to tears by a post such as this.
Thank you.
It’s funny, B and I just picked a date and started planning our wedding yesterday. And though we, as a people, have so much road to walk, so much progress to make, the thought of what people would think about us, about our marriage, hasn’t entered our minds. And I say that’s progress. That we can be excited and happy and nervous and freaked out and overwhelmed just like everyone else is a big deal. It’s huge. Sure we live in Los Angeles, where people generally ignore one another anyway, but bigotry is everywhere. And in our lifetime it’s begun the long process of fading. That’s amazing.
I’ve never commented before…first time. Although I’ve been reading for about 6 months now.
This post is brilliant. The most eloquent take on homosexuality I’ve ever read. I’d like to quote you if at all possible? I was born in San Francisco and am a straight woman who now lives in Texas (yes, quite the change).
I’ve had a hard time explaining to people in Texas why I believe what I do and why they should open their eyes and their minds to a different way of life. You said everything I’ve always wanted to say.
Thank you.
That was beautifully put, Jon.
Jon,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It’s only a matter of time. Life changes, people evolve. Older countries (UK, Switzerland, Spain) are evolving… we will eventually too.
Waiting patiently…
Jon,
I never realized how special it is that I was invited to a gay marriage.. The wedding was beautiful. I have so much respect for my teacher who, with is partner, was one of the first gay couple in the Netherlands who got married.
It is almost weird to think that such a big ‘free’ country like America is still in the closet.
Thanks for making me realise,
annemaren
I just wanted to say that my dad is gay and I always appreciate anything like this that is written.
Thank you.
Bornfamous, see the movie. It’s that good.
Nicely done, Jon. You really, quite succinctly, identified the whole problem with labels. In a country that sees things in such a polarized way, it really is important to keep in mind that we’re all just everyday people.
Cheers,
Stephanie
Thank you, Jon. I’m on the verge of coming out to the world, in midlife no less, and knowing that people like you are around makes it just a little less terrifying for me.
I totally agree with you. Now here’s a question: What do you think children should be taught in school? I’m an education major, and I went to this GLBT workshop where I was encouraged to address the issue at a fairly young age. (Like, Kindergarten)
They played a video where a K class made a book about gay people. (e.g. of one page: “One time my daddy and I went to a gay pride march.”) They were very accepting of the gay community, and understood that “they’re just like us.” Now, when they went to a 5th grade class to share their book, the kids audibly moaned and groaned and shouted at the Kindergardeners: “That’s disgusting!” It was like those 10 year olds were already lost. At that workshop, they also mentioned that if you don’t teach them the correct information, then they’re going to absorb the bigotry from places like TV and movies.
So what do you think about children being taught about the gay community (not getting into the sexual aspect of it)? Would you be okay with Leta learning about this in 3-5 years? Do you think teachers should stick their necks out, possibly losing their jobs, in order to end the hate?
Thanks Jon.
You give me hope that some day we call all live together, in peace; regardless of skin colour, religious beliefs, sexual preference, etc. In the end, we’re all the same. Just trying to figure out this crazy place.
I truly feel for anyone trying to come out. Unless you find that place where you are completely accepted, it must be so hard.
It frightens me that our potential new Prime Minister (voting on Jan 23rd) would do his best to remove the law that states that two same sex people can marry in Canada.
As long as no one is hurting anyone, who cares?
Excellent article, Jon, and may I add my miscellaneous two cents:
I have never understood why so many Christian groups HATE, with capital letters, homosexuals. Do they think Jesus is really impressed? Did he ever do that (besides the moneychangers in the temple incident)? I live in Central PA where a documentary was made, entitled Jim in Bold. This was about a young gay male, Jim, who committed suicide at age 19 because of feelings of loneliness, isolation, etc, stemming from his being homosexual and the close mindedness of Central PA (he was from Lebanon). Many people came to see the film, which was protested by people who came in from Kansas, led by their minister. They professed to be Christians, but they were so consumed with hatred that they drove hundreds of miles to protest this film, prepared all sorts of nasty signs, shouted horrible things. I just don’t get it. I don’t think Jesus is in his heaven saying, “Yeah, down with fags!” I think he’s shaking his head saying, “No, I said LOVE ONE ANOTHER! LOVE ONE ANOTHER! What part of LOVE ONE ANOTHER don’t you understand???”
My husband and I (we are straight) were married by a rabbi who is “married” to his partner. One of the reasons why I wanted to join this synegogue (it’s reform, natch!) was because the community was open enough to say, hey, this is the best candidate we have, why would we not hire him b/c he’s gay? He’s gay. Get over it.
We also have friends who are lesbians who helped me move TWICE when they could have been doing other things. For the first move, Kady didn’t even know me. Frankly, anyone who helps you move is 100% okay in my book. These ladies will always be dear to me for that reason alone.
And one more miscellaneous thing – we fought a civil war in part to establish equal rights for blacks. It took a lot more than that, and some will argue persuasively that we’re not there yet, but at least we are on paper. It took 45 years of lobbying for women to have the same rights as men. How long will it take for homosexuals to have the same rights? What’s the big stinking deal if two guys get married? Heck, they’re probably already living together and it hasn’t affected your marriage, so why not let them get married so that when one of them dies, the other one can have the house?
Sorry this post was not nearly as eloquent as yours, but thank you for the support for the gay community and for giving me a chance to offer my two cents.
Thank you, Jon. I’m so glad that a place like Utah has folks like you and Heather.
Thank you for your words. Thank you for standing up for the GLBT community, being a straight ally. We need you out there speaking up and standing up for us.
You have a gift for words, as I am sure you are quite aware, and I thank you for articulating what is constantly inside my own brain screaming to get out.
You and Heather are amazing and I am glad to have found your blogs.