Crying It Out
April 3rd, 2006Huh. People feel strongly about their kids and how they and their kids sleep. Very surprising. I’ve spent the spare moments of this weekend skimming through the comments. The best are in the 400+ range where they claim that we deprived our child from love, food and care. Yes. We run a virtual Abu Ghraib of parenting over here.
I never felt an ounce of guilt for sleep training Leta. I never, for a second, felt that letting her cry it out was “wrong” or “bad” or “child abuse”.
I was more worried about Heather than Leta, because after a relatively short period of time (Leta has been alive for 112 weeks, her sleep training took two weeks, that’s less than two percent of her life thus far and that number will diminish as she ages), Leta got over it and she gets the sleep she needs, but Heather was already depressed and anxious, and this rough period didn’t help. Human beings need sleep, including babies and their parents.
Lest you blame the method for Heather’s post-partum depression, I believe that Heather was about to go over the edge whether we sleep trained Leta or not. Leta was colicky. She cried a lot. She was fussy. But the sleep training was the experience that pushed Heather the furthest away from where she wanted to be. To blame sleep training or the method we used is incorrect. The problem was chemical, not that our child had a messed up nursing schedule and wasn’t getting enough sleep. Anything could have done it, it just happened to be sleep training and pacifier elimination.
I don’t expect that everybody agrees with me about the next statement I’m going to make. We are built for sleep and one of the best things I can do is as a parent is give my children the ability to get themselves to sleep on a schedule that makes their lives better with a side benefit that their parents lives will be better, too. Screaming because she didn’t like that it was time for bed? Sorry, but that’s non-negotiable. I don’t want to have a five year old who, when it’s time for bed, does hours of arguing about bedtime because I screwed up and didn’t teach them how to sleep. So hey six-month-old, you just complain all you want. Eventually you are going to sleep. Does that sound cold? Pediatricians and sleep experts say that children should sleep a certain amount of hours. Leta sleeps those hours because we taught her to put herself to sleep. She’s not perfect and sometimes her naps are too short or she wakes up early. But on average, she’s happier and healthier because she gets the sleep she needs and has done so most of her life.
We’ll have to train Leta to use a toilet. We’re training her to brush her teeth. How is sleep different? She cries all the time about a million things. Some of the cries tug the hell out of my heart, but many of them don’t. They just try my patience. I worry about my kid when she’s crying, but when we’re making a point and she’s crying… that’s just complaining. It’s not a plea for a better life or clemency or better food it’s complaining because she doesn’t want to be where she needs to be. In my view, my job as a parent is to look after my kid and help her in life. Sometimes she’s not gonna like it. She needed to learn how to get herself back to sleep. That’s something that is going to last a lifetime, why not start it up right?
Every person we’ve had tend Leta comments on how amazing it is that she goes to bed without a fight. There is value in our home that this is the case. Maybe that choice isn’t one you care about or want to make, and that’s totally fine. It’s your right and your life.
I don’t think it’s somehow wrong to let a six-month-old cry because we’re trying to teach her something she is ready to learn. We know that for our child more than other parents know it for our child and I don’t know what your kids need to learn when. So before you comment, I don’t care what method you used. I don’t care if you didn’t like the method we chose. Our baby sleeps and sleeps well. It’s made an enormous difference in our home for all the people who live here. The baby gets her sleep. Heather and I have time in the evenings to be together, work on things that we like to work on and chill out from the day. We don’t have a huge chaotic night. It’s really nice and helps us face the next day with a sense of renewal. Leta is a happy, rested child. But she’s two, so that means typical two behavior. We know it’s not because she’s tired. Our choice fits us and I hope that we will be able to do it with our next child, whenever that child might arrive. Chuck is also happier as the quiet lets him reflect on his trials with nihilism, Einstürzende Neubauten and Kant.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:11 am
I commented on your wife’s blog as well on this topic. I think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way you sleep trained leta. I think it’s ridiculus for other people to critisize your parenting techniques. People differ in opinion in every topic of parenting. In my house, we did the sleep training like you did. We let him cry. And it works. And he sleeps wonderfully and so do we. And that keeps us healthier, happier and saner. So good for you. And everyone who feels the need to be rude or mean should go take a good look in the mirror and stuff it.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:21 am
You are perfectly right in how you’ve trained Leta. Anyone who has ever watched Supernanny on TV (British nanny) will see that’s the way she gets children into a sleep pattern. Even horrible, spoiled, screaming, tantrum children who’ve been allowed to have their own way for years. Everyone needs a good sleeping pattern and learning that early will help EVERYONE including Leta. People who disagree obviously don’t have children!
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:25 am
To me, the most important thing to learn is that all kids and all parents and all situations are different and require different solutions. My first child? I let him cry himself to sleep many times. This one? I don’t. The kids are different, I’m different, and my life is different. I don’t think either one is “right” or “wrong” in a black and white scenario. They are both situations that were/are right for my kids and for me at the time.
Anyone who thinks parenting any child in any situation always has only ONE solution? And that for all parents and all children in all situations that solution is the SAME? Lives in a different world than I do.
It’s just about doing what’s best for everyone in the family. And its not the same for all families or all children.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:27 am
I totally agree with you. Everybody and their damn hippy parenting techniques can just go jump off a cliff. If it means that my kid ends up well behaved and actually LISTENS to me? I plan on staying away from the best friend route.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:30 am
It’s incredibly ridiculous that anyone would judge you for giving your child the gift, yes, the gift, of being able to self-sooth. I mean, geez, if people are sending you guys hate mail for that, they need to get a freakin’ life!!! Not only did you guys do what what necessary for your child and your family, you totally don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices. Screw the negative people.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:32 am
I think it was very brave of you and Heather to discuss Leta’s sleep training. So many things we do as parents are picked apart, analyzed and tossed back into our faces to explain why our kids are screwed up. You know what?? There IS no right way to do anything. So long as what you do is with love, it is the “right” thing to do for your child and your family. Congratulations on finding the “right” thing for you
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:34 am
It baffles me how many people feel entitled to criticize. I wish more parents set firmer limits (is that criticism? Or just an observation on the direction our society has gone?) - in any event, it strikes me that there was a point in the past 20 years when parenting took a turn to “let the child express him/herself” and somehow that meant “take away boundaries”.
From a sleep standpoint, having lived with my husband’s sleep apnea, which we had to wait 6 months to treat due to insurance issues (gotta love insurance!), both our sleep schedules suffered mightily, it drove me to a point of nearly breaking - and he was the one with more sleep deprivation. We now cherish being able to sleep because of that. Kudos to both of you & keep up the good work - both on & off the internet.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:44 am
I’m always astonished at how much bile people can throw at each other over parenting choices. Epidural or not? Breast or bottle? Sleep training? Attachment parenting? Lets not even venture into the realm of toilet training. Anyway, my point?
Whatever works, do it. Common sense should prevail. There are times when one thing works and another doesn’t. There are sick times when you park the kids in front of the TV for 48 hours. (Not that *I* would ever do this…ok, ok, we did this just last week.) As long as you love your kid and attempt to meet their needs as best you can, I think it’s good parenting to be able to go with the flow and try what works for your unique family situation.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:45 am
Ryan Waddell, I don’t think Jon was criticizing parents for using what you disparage as “hippy techniques,” and it annoys me, a little, that you fell into the same old ugly trap of dismissing, all at once, a set of choices parents might make for themselves.
We didn’t do what Heather and Jon did with our child, but that has nothing to do with Heather and Jon. I really appreciate what both of them have written about their experience with Leta, and even though we chose something else, I found their experiences interesting to read. It wasn’t even a matter of agreeing with them or disagreeing with them, you know? It’s obvious that they love their child and are wonderful parents — not, of course, that it’s my job to validate them in that role, because I’m sure that’s almost as annoying as condemning them. Both actions put me in a place of judgment, and why do parents have to regard each other from that place at all?
That’s what I hate — when parents start evaluating other parents. I hate that some people who chose cosleeping, or whatever, like we did, behaved rudely toward Jon and Heather. And I hate when the retaliation for that rude behavior comes in the form of even more criticism of parental choices.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:46 am
Hey, I wanted to say that we sleep trained our children as well…not the way you did but that is a personal decision. My children personally wouldn’t tolerate the extended periods of crying (we have let them when they tantrum and sometimes they puke, and sometimes..we let them..you know puke or play with knives…it’s a tough choice but I have to make one). My children have very different temperments than Leta and that I know just from reading Heather’s blog (and yours), not frmo the method you guys chose for sleep training. I mean really, is it any different than what you mentioned about training for the potty or brushing teeth or not playing with knives.
I personally self-published a book about sleep training and it was written specifically for my family and friends and even though my children wouldn’t or couldn’t CIO, I included it in my book.
You know what I think is more amazing than anything you have mentioned so far (or Heather)? The fact that all that crying didn’t send Heather further into a depressive state. When my children cry (even for not being allowed to play with knives) it cuts bitter in my soul and I can only imagine if I were in a sad state of depression (and I have sufferred for almost 19 years on and off with it) that hearing my children cry so desperately over and over would have sent me over the edge. That is where you have to give big kudos to Heather for being able to handle such as that. No mother (or father) “wants” their child to cry and I don’t think any of us enjoy it, however……..if it is puke, sleep, knives…decisions have to be made.
Personally we didn’t think puking over needing to sleep was necessary and we trained them to sleep in a different way. People are amazed at how well my children sleep as well and I’ve sold quite a few books simply on that preface alone. My children are good sleepers, period. Leta is a good sleeper, period. That doesn’t mean it has always been that way nor does it mean that the way you or I accomplished it is the way for others to do the same.
*stepping off the soapbox…not falling over…..slowly*
Wait one more thing, I knew to move quickly or I’d come up with something else. Is it possible that some people judge or criticize out of jealousy????
nevermind, silly me!
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:46 am
Ryan Waddell, I don’t think Jon was criticizing parents for using what you disparage as “hippy techniques,” and it annoys me, a little, that you fell into the same old ugly trap of dismissing, all at once, a set of choices parents might make for themselves.
We didn’t do what Heather and Jon did with our child, but that has nothing to do with Heather and Jon. I really appreciate what both of them have written about their experience with Leta, and even though we chose something else, I found their experiences interesting to read. It wasn’t even a matter of agreeing with them or disagreeing with them, you know? It’s obvious that they love their child and are wonderful parents — not, of course, that it’s my job to validate them in that role, because I’m sure that’s almost as annoying as condemning them. Both actions put me in a place of judgment, and why do parents have to regard each other from that place at all?
That’s what I hate — when parents start evaluating other parents. I hate that some people who chose cosleeping, or whatever, like we did, behaved rudely toward Jon and Heather. And I hate when the retaliation for that rude behavior comes in the form of even more criticism of parental choices.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:47 am
I forget who first pointed this out to me, but I work under the idea that babies (and toddlers) cry because they need something. Whether it’s food, drink, attention… whatever it is, if it’s a need that must be met, it’s usually first announced by crying. That said, sleep is a need. Babies sometimes cry because they need to sleep. Problem is, that’s one need that they have to learn to address by themselves.
When we first started “sleep training” with our daughter, she cried. A lot. As time wore on, she cried less and learned to settle herself down to sleep. The crunchy parenting school that criticizes this method (and the parents that practice it) may have a different way of doing the whole sleep thing, but demonizing those of us who do things differently is both asinine and foolish. I think both you and Heather did what was right for your family and I applaud you guys for standing up for your parenting decisions.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:47 am
Jon, you and Heather are doing what’s called “parenting”. Parents who prefer to be friends with their offspring aren’t, and they are creating little monsters who will look you in the face and tell you to go to hell. Not the word no, but the actual phrase of go to hell. Those parents are the ones that end up on shows like Super Nanny and Nanny 911. You and Heather will never have to worry about that.
Carry on, Dooceoblurb! Carry on!
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:52 am
I agree with what you said, and how you said it. My husband said much the same to me when I was freaking out over letting our babe cry. He said there are going to be a billion things that he doesn’t want to do and he’s going to cry over it, but we’re not going to let him, say, run into the street because he wants to. He was incredibly colicky and has had a rough time of it, and it’s not taking any TWO WEEKS to get him sleep trained but we are seeing slow, steady improvement since we started training like two or three months ago. Some days are better than others. I don’t know why people feel so strongly about it, and why people feel they can comment so harshly to parents that have made different decisions than them, but maybe it’s because there is so much information out there. My pediatrician says that we should put him in his crib, leave him there through his protests, etc. But I know another friend of mine whose ped says that crying it out is cruel. So it’s confusing and maybe people lash out at someone that has made sense of it? I was at a playgroup a few weeks ago, talking about how weird it was that I don’t mind so much when my nine month old cries cause he’s mad, and it used to MURDER me. This other mom who was there, seven months pregnant and with a 2.5 year old, said that she had never let her cry one time. She said she also had NEVER slept through the night! Two and a HALF years old! She said she had no idea what she would do when her new baby came. And you know what else? The kid was a TOTAL and COMPLETE brat. Coincidence? I have no idea, and I don’t want to find out. In the meantime, it has given me great hope that we seem to have very similar babies and that you guys actually get some regular sleep. I thank you both for that.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:01 am
I commented on Dooce, too, but honestly, I think the saddest thing about Heather’s post is not that you let Leta “cry it out” but the response of OTHER MOTHERS/WOMEN to another mother’s personal blog posting about parenting.
Sure, both you and Heather put yourselves out there by having personal blogs and in some sense b/c you making your living off this writing, but MORE POWER TO YOU BOTH. I’d be amped if I could make my living this way and one day raise a child with a loving partner.
In short: Uh, mean commenters can SUCK IT. Leta’s lucky. Heather’s a great mom, most people can see that very clearly. You are both fantastic parents.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:02 am
Personally, I admire how you parent Leta. I have always admired the choices you have made in parenting Leta. She is a very lucky child to have two very devoted and loving parents.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:03 am
I already commented on your big girl’s blog. Amazing how determined are peolple to show the world thy’re better than you (only, they are not). I only hope both Jon and Heather are not feeling bad about this.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:03 am
It’s telling that the majority of the negative comments on Heather’s site spank of the ill-educated and badly disciplined of their age.
As others have said, you are loving parents who are choosing how YOU bring up YOUR child. Aside from the drug needles, pills and alcohol lying around, what you do is your choice!
(I’m joking of course… Heather will have drunk all the alcohol before Leta gets to it!
)
Keep on doing what yer doing. What you are bringing up is a wonderfully inquisitive little mind. Enough of Chuck though, Leta’s coming on fine too.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:04 am
Sorry about the double posting. Oh, and I just spent some time reading some of the comments on Dooce’s last blog. Some were very cruel, almost impossibly cruel, and I felt indignant on your behalf.
Not to sound like a broken record, but I do hope that we aren’t saying in this comment thread that, in general, people who choose, say, cosleeping instead of Ferber — or whatever instead of whatever — are therefore bad parents who are inadvertently creating dysfunctional families, as Vegas Vixen perhaps suggests? (Maybe I’m reading too much into some of these comments; sorry if I am).
I don’t think the point was that some parenting styles are inferior to other parenting styles. I thought it was that, you know, families are highly idiosyncratic and therefore no single methodology is going to work across the board. Hell, I have a hard time even thinking of parenting as “methodology” in the first place.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:06 am
I was nervous about letting my kid cry when he was under 6 months, but now me and the wife have no problem with it. And now at 16 months, our kid goes down with no problem at night. Even for naps, if he doesn’t want to sleep, he may cry for a minute or so, but then he’ll just spend “quiet time” by himself for the hour he’s in there.
We have friends with kids around the same age who still won’t nap unless they’re being held, or who won’t sleep at all in their cribs.
I say (as several others have), do whatever works for your family.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:06 am
I saw a program on PBS last week about parents in Afghanistan who sold their 7-year-old daughter to be someone’s wife.
I’m thinking letting your kid cry herself to sleep for a couple of weeks because in the long run it’s good for her and good for you doesn’t exactly qualify as child abuse.
That being said, my parents let me scream myself to sleep for months as an infant. And I totally talk about it with the prison therapist every week.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:11 am
I don’t have kids, so I’m not going to pretend to understand ANYTHING that you parents have to go through. I would like to point out, though, that while we’re all human, not a one of us is exactly like the other. So what works for one kid might not work for another, right? Well then WHY, pray tell, do people feel the need to be hostile and snotty and antagonistic regarding other people’s parenting choices? Yeah, I don’t know either.
I don’t just see it here or on Heather’s site. It’s all over. A lot of my friends are starting their own families and they are suffering from the same crap. My friend Cecile likes to say “parenting is personal”. I guess the way I feel is unless there is emotional or physical abuse going on, stay the hell out of another person’s parenting business. If they ask for your opinion, give it. But otherwise? Stick to screwing up your own kids, mmmkay?
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:12 am
Wouldn’t it be great if babies came from the womb sleeping 12 hours a night. I think it’s a design flaw really.
I could not be a mother if my kids didn’t go to bed at 8pm each night.
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:15 am
Hi Jon and Heather -
Count me on the “support your method” side. My son is 43 years old now, and is still a good sleeper! He slept a long time at night, and took a long nap during the day until he went to school! It made for a happy baby/child and happy parents, just as you are experiencing. He trained himself in this regard, but I would have had no hesitancy in letting him cry if necessary.
For some reason he did not like a pacifier, and spit it behind the couch as often as possible. I took that as a hint! I breastfed until he was five months old, when I went back to work. The bottle was fine, too.
I guess he was just an easy baby. Turned out to be a good toddler, and even teenagehood was fairly easy, too. I never understood why some of my contemporaries made their lives a living h*ll by allowing a child to dictate how the home would be run.
You two seem to have the situation well in hand. Congratulations! ;->
Judie Ashford
April 3rd, 2006 at 9:15 am
I don’t read dooce’s comments, because those people are crazy. And long-winded.
Jon and Heather probably argue about who will get up when Leta asks for water, and are sprinting to her crib before they’ve woken up when she has a nightmare. Loving parents know what their kids need and react accordingly.
To my mind, teaching kids to sleep is probably best for most kids. But 1) I might be wrong and 2) it’s none of my business. So I share my opinions gently, if at all. Why other people can’t take this approach is one of life’s great mysteries.