Crying It Out
April 3rd, 2006Huh. People feel strongly about their kids and how they and their kids sleep. Very surprising. I’ve spent the spare moments of this weekend skimming through the comments. The best are in the 400+ range where they claim that we deprived our child from love, food and care. Yes. We run a virtual Abu Ghraib of parenting over here.
I never felt an ounce of guilt for sleep training Leta. I never, for a second, felt that letting her cry it out was “wrong” or “bad” or “child abuse”.
I was more worried about Heather than Leta, because after a relatively short period of time (Leta has been alive for 112 weeks, her sleep training took two weeks, that’s less than two percent of her life thus far and that number will diminish as she ages), Leta got over it and she gets the sleep she needs, but Heather was already depressed and anxious, and this rough period didn’t help. Human beings need sleep, including babies and their parents.
Lest you blame the method for Heather’s post-partum depression, I believe that Heather was about to go over the edge whether we sleep trained Leta or not. Leta was colicky. She cried a lot. She was fussy. But the sleep training was the experience that pushed Heather the furthest away from where she wanted to be. To blame sleep training or the method we used is incorrect. The problem was chemical, not that our child had a messed up nursing schedule and wasn’t getting enough sleep. Anything could have done it, it just happened to be sleep training and pacifier elimination.
I don’t expect that everybody agrees with me about the next statement I’m going to make. We are built for sleep and one of the best things I can do is as a parent is give my children the ability to get themselves to sleep on a schedule that makes their lives better with a side benefit that their parents lives will be better, too. Screaming because she didn’t like that it was time for bed? Sorry, but that’s non-negotiable. I don’t want to have a five year old who, when it’s time for bed, does hours of arguing about bedtime because I screwed up and didn’t teach them how to sleep. So hey six-month-old, you just complain all you want. Eventually you are going to sleep. Does that sound cold? Pediatricians and sleep experts say that children should sleep a certain amount of hours. Leta sleeps those hours because we taught her to put herself to sleep. She’s not perfect and sometimes her naps are too short or she wakes up early. But on average, she’s happier and healthier because she gets the sleep she needs and has done so most of her life.
We’ll have to train Leta to use a toilet. We’re training her to brush her teeth. How is sleep different? She cries all the time about a million things. Some of the cries tug the hell out of my heart, but many of them don’t. They just try my patience. I worry about my kid when she’s crying, but when we’re making a point and she’s crying… that’s just complaining. It’s not a plea for a better life or clemency or better food it’s complaining because she doesn’t want to be where she needs to be. In my view, my job as a parent is to look after my kid and help her in life. Sometimes she’s not gonna like it. She needed to learn how to get herself back to sleep. That’s something that is going to last a lifetime, why not start it up right?
Every person we’ve had tend Leta comments on how amazing it is that she goes to bed without a fight. There is value in our home that this is the case. Maybe that choice isn’t one you care about or want to make, and that’s totally fine. It’s your right and your life.
I don’t think it’s somehow wrong to let a six-month-old cry because we’re trying to teach her something she is ready to learn. We know that for our child more than other parents know it for our child and I don’t know what your kids need to learn when. So before you comment, I don’t care what method you used. I don’t care if you didn’t like the method we chose. Our baby sleeps and sleeps well. It’s made an enormous difference in our home for all the people who live here. The baby gets her sleep. Heather and I have time in the evenings to be together, work on things that we like to work on and chill out from the day. We don’t have a huge chaotic night. It’s really nice and helps us face the next day with a sense of renewal. Leta is a happy, rested child. But she’s two, so that means typical two behavior. We know it’s not because she’s tired. Our choice fits us and I hope that we will be able to do it with our next child, whenever that child might arrive. Chuck is also happier as the quiet lets him reflect on his trials with nihilism, Einstürzende Neubauten and Kant.
First time commenting on your blog…way to go Jon for being so diplomatic in your response. You held back way more than I probably would have in response. Speaks volumes to your patience really.
I hope all this hasn’t upset Heather too much. I know she knows people suck, but it always does get to you when people say some of the hateful stuff they did on dooce about her as a mother. Give her a pat and tell her to mentally tell them to bite her ass!
I know you don’t care, but we sleep trained too and are soooooo thankful for it. If it didn’t have a few hours at the end of the day just to do something for myself and know I’d get to sleep all night, however long I wanted, I’d be in a looney bin FOR SURE. Maybe those people who don’t care if their children sleep all night have already gone off the deep end…sounds like it to me. They could probably use a good night’s sleep. To bad they won’t get one for YEARS to come, lol. Here’s to them being up all night!
“Sorry, but that’s non-negotiable.”
Jon, that has got to be one of the best things I’ve ever read on your site.
I hate to think of what my world would be like if I gave into everything my kid cried for.
I’m certainly not suggesting that the method we used is the only or best method. It just worked for us, that is all.
We “sleep trained” both of our kids. I just didn’t know what to call it other than not letting babies dictate bedtime for adults. Obviously, I’m not talking about sick, or wet, or dirty, or hungry kids…just resistant and insistent. It was deliberate and loving and firm and consistent. It worked for us.
The fact is that you know your daughter well enough to meet her needs and yours. That is good parenting.
Pete
You guys really opened up a psychological Pandora’s Box with this topic! As I said on your wife’s blog, I’ve found that so many people feel threatened by parenting choices that don’t mirror their own. That’s their baggage, not yours.
I may philosophically differ with you on the CIO method, but ultimately, I don’t have to live your life or raise your child. I’ve got my hands full with a two year old of my own and second guessing the parenting of others is not something I really have time for.
So who are we to judge others so harshly? Especially those whose lives we only know from a BLOG and a handful of pictures!
All I gotta say is: AMEN! I’m sick of all the judgement that comes down when talking about ’sleep’ and ‘crying’ these days….
“I’m certainly not suggesting that the method we used is the only or best method. It just worked for us, that is all.”
Noooooooo! Jon, I wasn’t directing my comment at you! I was trying to make the point that people that are nasty to you and Heather need to realize that your way is the right way for Leta, but it might not be the right way for their own children. Therefore there’s no reason to attack you guys, they just need to take care of their own business. I’m sorry that I didn’t make that clear. Yikes! Daylight Savings is screwing with my brain!!!!
I think it’s pretty ridiculous for anyone to think they have a clue about what’s best for you, Heather or Leta. And for what it’s worth, I think you’re absolutely right — Leta is too young now (and was definitely too young when you sleep-trained her) to make educated decisions about her life — so you made them for her, as you should. Good for you, for teaching her something that will make both her and you/Heather happier and healthier.
i purposely did not comment on heather’s page, as i do not have children. i am an aunt to 5 kids now, but i really felt as if somehow, because they were not shot out of me, my opninons would not be taken seriously.
i think what you two did was absolutely, unequivocally the RIGHT thing. i know how hard it is to listen to your child cry, but learning to comfort themselves is going to take them MUCH further in life than just a good night’s sleep. you can’t run to mommy and daddy for a hug when you are 30. i’ve tried. the plane trip is a bitch.
know that at least someone thinks you are not horrible, heathen parents. you have obviously done a good job thus far – its not like Leta throws temper tantrums all the time (i am positive we’d hear about it), and she is still breating (meaning you’ve not strangled her). in my book, that is good parenting.
I just find it hilarious that those few people thought this was cruel punishment. She was what? 6 months old when you did this? That seems like the perfect age to me. She was crying because she wanted a pacifier… or she didn’t want to go to bed. It’s not like she was crying because her bedroom was on fire and she couldn’t escape… or that rattlesnakes were crawling into her crib and mommy and daddy didn’t care. This people who come down on you and Heather and call you selfish are morons. Oh and that one chic who talked about procreating in a “family bed”… um did anyone else think that was kinda gross? Like she was saying she has sex with her husband while her kids are in the bed with them. That’s how I read that…
But I think you and Heather did the right thing where Leta’s sleep habits are concerned. Now as far as the “naughty spot” goes for her temper tantrums… I hope that works for you too. I don’t have kids yet but am trying and I look to others for advice like blogging moms and Super Nanny.
no baby ever cried themselves to death. they get really mad because the rules have changed, they yell about it and possibly puke because THAT is how mad they are and then they learn to get over it. everyone’s mental health says thank you when the hard part is over. being a parent means making hard choices about what is best for you and your child.
You and Heather freakin’ ROCK! I love that you share your ideas and philosophies despite the hot-topics. Thanks for sharing!
I hope you and Heather know how much your honest sharing helps other parents. I read your sites throughout my pregnancy, my son’s infancy, and on. (He is 9 months younger than Leta.)
One of the (many) things I found helpful was the story Heather told about the afternoon when Leta was fussy and no amount of carrying, bouncing, rocking would calm her. You had to leave work early, because Heather was going out of her mind. You took over with the carrying, rocking, etc., but nothing was working. Desperate and out of options, you put Leta down in her crib and walked away for 10 seconds, and she promptly fell asleep.
That exact scenario would have played out at my house had I not read about it on Heather’s site. So, this is my long-winded way of saying thank you for the service you continue to provide through your websites. With Leta, you’re beta-testing this crazy parenting ride for the rest of us!
Wanna know the scariest thing Jon?
With an 8 and 4 year old under my wing, I look back at the 2’s and think it was a piece of cake.
Wanna know when I eat that piece of cake?
When they are in bed every night at 8pm, like clockwork.
I will comment here the same as I did at Heather’s site — I APPLAUD you for teaching Leta to sleep.
My daughter is now 25 years old, and guess what — she bears NO SCARS whatsoever as a result of sleep training (hell, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember crying at 6 months old! She knows she is loved.)
Parenting is the hardest job I have (but the best one, too). As I commented on Heather’s site, I always say to new parents, do what works for you.
Not sleeping and having a tired, cranky baby did not work for us. Getting her on a sleep schedule did รณ and still does.
I know parents who are still struggling with getting their kids to sleep at age 5. Five years of irregular sleep really puts a strain on a family.
Letting our baby cry was the best thing we could’ve done for her and for us.
Happy, well-rested parents make for a much happier child.
Ridiculousness. People have been doing this for eons. Then someone wrote a book about it, established it as a “method” and suddenly everyone goes apeshit.
But more importantly, did you get (and enjoy) the bourbon?
I competely agree with you and Heather about this. Not sleeping properly for children and adults has been linked to so many health problems that it is impossible to ignore it’s importance. Humans need to sleep in order to survive. I don’t know why some bloggers feel like they have to attack you and heather about this non-issue. I was very happy heather made that post and I even printed it out so that when I have kids and they are 6 months old, I too can get them on a healthy sleep schedule. My kudos to you both.
I also agree that this will make it much easier for Leta when she gets older and really can end up helping her education. They have also proven that sleep patterns in children are directly linked to grades.
Now if we can just get those other bloggers who disagree to shove it. I mean…calling a boycott? Are these people for real?
Have a great week, Jon.
I think there is a very natural and normal desire to want to go and pick up your child and comfort it when it cries. Many people view not doing that as being cruel and abusive. What you are doing by picking up a child every time it cries is to teach it to manipulate. You want to respond to certain cries, you don’t want to respond to others. I think it’s a very difficult thing for parents to learn.
As a psychotherapist, I spent the better part of twenty years working with parents who had not set any boundaries with their children when they were small. When they became teenagers and the boundaries were more important than whether or not they put their toys away, they were surprised that the teens didn’t respond to the rules and limits they suddenly tried to enforce. Children want boundaries. Yes, they will test limits and push boundaries, that’s their job, but ultimately boundaries represent safety and security. The key, as with everything else in life, is balance.
I doubt that you and Heather are perfect parents and not everything you do is going to work the way you intended. It’s clear to me, however, that you love Leta and are trying to give her the best life you can give her. I think that we out here are very lucky to get to share a little in that along the way.
Dude, I can’t believe you didn’t address the gummy worms.
Really, though; I didn’t comment on Heather’s blog about the sleep training because it was still too early and I say really dumb things (okay, dumber than usual things) when I’m tired.
There is one thing that I’ve learned in the last almost 7 years as a parent: I do not have to defend my parenting choices to anyone. Neither do you.
Sleep training isn’t for everyone. Not all babies need it. Some babies do but their parents don’t feel it’s right for their family. And you know what? If that’s how they feel, then that is what is right for them. But if your beliefs and your family believes that crying it out is what is necessary, then that is completely your perogative, and no one else’s business.
I sleep trained both of my kids by letting them cry it out and it was a hard thing for me to do because I did feel like I was neglecting to care for them. BUT, when I sat down and went through all the reasons I was choosing this strategery, to quote my commander-in-chief, it made sense.
My oldest is now almost 7 and my youngest just turned 5. They both sleep well; they both know that we love them and have never shown signs of anxiety that we wouldn’t be there for them. They’re happy, well-adjusted kids who know they have a family that loves them and at this point, that is my only goal as a parent. I’m sure some day 15 years from now my only goal will be for them to get a job, but for now, it’s all golden.
{my job as a parent is to look after my kid and help her in life.}
And to set boundaries. How else is your kid going to learn what’s acceptable and what’s not in our society?
Too many parents are scared to be disciplinarians and it’s the reason we have so many screwed up kids today.
I have a three and a half month old and wow, has she been a lesson in patience. She’s also been the cause of a lot of people giving advice when really, it doesn’t matter what anyone says because I will parent her the way I want. Why people think their way of parenting is the only way is beyond me and I dare say a bit annoying. I wish people would stop reading every damn book about parenting and just listen to their child, maybe a child is crying because they are hungry but maybe they are also crying because they are tired and it’s their way of getting themselves to sleep. All children are different and no one parenting method works for all of them. It was interesting to me that on your wife’s blog many of the commenters who agreed with your way of sleep training were child behavioral specialists. I am much more willing to listen to them than someone who simply opened a book and now call it their bible. Just my two cents. Your daughter is a beautiful little girl who seems to have loving and wonderful parents, I venture to say she’ll turn out just fine!
You and Heather both sound like you’re great parents.
I don’t remember using any particular method to get my kids to sleep through the night. I think after five months or so of getting up at least twice a night I was finally so exhausted that I ended up sleeping through feedings, not waking up when the baby cried. Terrible, yes, but the end result was that my kids did learn how to sleep through the night.
I think I was comment number 421 on that post. I feel that, while I would not choose the CIO method, it’s impossible (and incorrect) to apply one’s chosen method to another child and family.
Even Pantly, in “The No-Cry Sleep Solution”, says that you only have a problem if you are not sleeping and/or you are at your wits end. We didn’t really end up using any sleep training ideas (except “The Happiest Baby/Toddler” books — I highly recommend them) and it’s worked for us. But we are different people with a different child.
I’m sorry people have assed out and compared you to people who actually abuse their children; that’s just ridiculous. I really don’t get it when the people who claim to be loving and gentle make the most violent comments.
Thanks for the great writing, I really enjoy your site.
hmmm…i had only browsed through the first 140 comments, which were generally nice and supportive so I stopped reading. good thing I guess.
i have to preface that I do not have kids, don’t want kids (but love your sites and update on parenting!). But I pretty much raised my brother since he came home from the hospital all wrinkly and splotchy.
You guys are great parent!
And really soooo many people think it is okay to raise their children without any discipline, to let them be “individuals, to not stifle their creativity, be their friend, blah, blah…” These are the same people whose kids annoy the crap out of everyone else because they are rude, spoiled, wild, and have no respect for anyone. While I over-generalize about such “sensitive” parenting skills, I do think children definitely need structure and discipline and to learn respect, for themselves and others. Which it sounds like you are giving Leta, for her own good.
Anyway, my point was: crying is good for kids, makes their voices deeper. Such was the wisdom in my home. Worked well for my brother. Not so much for me. Might have been a flaw in their plans, but worked out well for me, since I’m a girl. :B
Children are resilient, do what works for you and screw the other. Obviously if the meanies have time to rant about “bad” parenting on Dooce, they aren’t minding their own kids, or just wanted lash out in envious jealously of your great family.
mmm, talking to much. bye!