Fatherhood Made Easy(ish)
September 5th, 2006I woke up yesterday to the news of Steve Irwin’s passing. I think this post on daddytypes (via a.wholelottanothing and Waxy) explains the a dilemma that parents face when they have children. For some, the issue of personal and familial balance are small and easily navigated. For those who work in careers that regularly involve dangerous or life-threatening situations, I can’t imagine the psychological toll that just going to work as a cop or firefighter would take not just on the individual, but the family as well.
Fatherhood has changed me somewhat. I think most parents go through this on some level, consciously or subconsciously. For me, it has been far more overt.
It’s been a couple of years since Heather sought help and was able to get a successful treatment for post-partum depression. Part of my change as a parent came through near daily realizations that if Heather succumbed to her depression, all Leta would have is me.
The summer of 2004 was extraordinarily difficult. Heather was trying all kinds of different medications and none of them were reducing the anxiety and depression she felt. I ended up utilizing the Family Medical Leave Act as an emergency. Every day was touchy, even if I had taken that day and stayed home. It was like this for about two months. Every day was a new challenge and making it through the day wasn’t just a goal for Heather, but me as well. I was forced by circumstance to evaluate all possible outcomes and try to prepare for any eventuality. I don’t think I was fully prepared to face a life without Heather and the thought of raising Leta alone was more than I could bear. But I had to face it.
In those months of hope and fear I took a very hard look at myself. Harder than when Leta was born. I would have to make some sacrifices. I would have to make some changes. On some level, personal introspection is a selfish act, but in this case I felt it was a matter of survival. In the context of life-threatening careers, the only thing I had to worry about was working in a job that was sucking too much energy from me. The job was getting in the way of taking care of my family. The situation was worsened by Heather’s illness. No job was worth losing Heather over, particularly a needlessly stressful one. Every day I drove off to work, I’d wonder if that would be the day that I’d come home and be a single parent.
Fortunately, Heather sought help and was able to get the level of treatment she needed. While not as acutely felt, that residual “what if” is still there, even today. Accidents happen.
Which is partially what made the decision to take the jump into starting our own business much easier. Part of that decision was that if Heather ever reached that place again, I would at least be here for her like I couldn’t be that summer.
The outcome of those hard days has been that I’m less likely to do things that might mean Leta has a different mom or dad. Some of those are extremes and some are not. I believe the best thing I can do is have a healthy relationship with myself, a healthy relationship with Heather and a healthy relationship with Leta. Most of my energy goes there. I have things I do for me, but my personal enrichment activities (I said, mine, not yours) need to take into account my family. For example, in a former life I used to golf a lot. I got great satisfaction from it, and my game was slowly improving. I never took it that seriously, but it was nice to get away from the computer.
Two weekends ago, we went with my sister’s family to a driving range near their cabin. That was the first time I’d swung a club in almost six years. Golf isn’t a family-friendly game for us and unless Leta shows continued interest, I’m not pushing her into golf or anything else. Golf might be just the thing for some men or women and even some families, but in our house if I were gone every weekend with the boys, that wouldn’t fly, nor would I want it to. Heather came along, but it was clear that she and golf don’t mix. Which is just fine. Not a tough choice at all. There are other things we can try.
The past couple of seasons, I started snowboarding again. I’ve wanted Heather to learn because I’d love to share it with her as well as a way for Heather to look forward to and enjoy the winter. Leta gets to spend time with family and Heather and I get a date. Heather has taken to it quite well and the other day exclaimed that she was excited to hit the slopes this year. As Leta gets older, I’d love to teach her to ride a snowboard, but I’m not going to force it. And I think we’ll have a few years before it’s even a question. The point is, I’m trying to take something I love and share it with my family. If they dig, it can become a great family activity and a way to build memories. If they don’t, we’ll try to find other things to do together and we will go snowboarding less.
I think another good example might be photography. I love to shoot. I do my best work when I have my own camera and the time to find shots. It doesn’t have to be days and days, but pushing a stroller or supervising a walk while trying to shoot is difficult. Heather enjoys shooting as well and it’s something we’ve always shared as a couple. Who knows what Leta is going to enjoy? Either way, I’m going to make accommodations so that Leta gets to learn and grow. If that means fewer frames or that I forego shooting altogether, then so be it.
This all may sound extreme, but I’m convinced that I’ve been given the opportunity to be a big part of my child’s life. Most men only dream of such a gift. It’s going to be just fine if my handicap stays where it is or if I never pick up a golf club again. Teaching Leta a new song or what sounds letters make is far more rewarding than smacking a maddeningly small ball around for a few hours.
Mr. Irwin’s sad passing only reiterates for me the shortness of life, the importance of being there for my family and finding joy in those things that keep me with my family. o
That is awesome. I think you have perfectly summed up what it is to be a good husband and father. I am printing this out to put in my journal so I can make sure I remember all of this post. Thanks
Blurb, thought-provoking post. thank you. I just got married and I think about that a lot – doing things together. I want to find more fun, enriching activities to do as a couple and many times just watching TV is good enough for her. I think the “sacrifices” you are making are more about your awareness than the actual act. Irwin’s passing is very sad and opens up our minds – the ones that DO have that awareness. DG
Every father (or any male planning on being one one day) needs to read what you wrote and know that that is what is important when it comes down to it.
Thanks.
Wow! I was so touched by what you wrote….I love everything that you and Heather write and every morning before my daughter wakes up I am checking both sites for a new post….This post rocked me to the core and I sent the link to my husband….You could not have said it better! Thank you for starting my day off with a spiritual leap!
Powerful entry. It moved me to tears. Thanks for taking the time to write the things you do. You have and will continue to make a difference in people in their day to day lives, many of them not even seeing the connection…
Thanks, Jon.
Isn’t it funny how Steve Irwin’s death has affected so many people. Leta and Heather are lucky to have you – my husband-to-be has to be forcibly removed from the golf course! Great post.
I hear ya, and I didn’t mean to sound rude (just matter of fact). I guess I’m just one of those selfish, in need of “me time” kind of people. Hey, at least I admit it, right?
Jon,
I love what you wrote and agree with you on most points; however, I think having an activity that you do in moderation that makes you feel alive and is just for you sets a wonderful example for kids (particularly girls who might become moms). You’re showing them that it is ok to occasionally put themselves first. I took up running again in the last year (after my 2nd child) and quit putting everything (job, kids, husband) always ahead of myself. It’s been amazing.
I learned right away, especially with my lovely deathbed scare when my oldest son wasn’t even 2 yet, that I had to place the interests of the family over my own. Like the guy in “Daddy Types”, there are things I won’t do now that I have kids because I don’t want something to happen. But that doesn’t mean I’m missing out in life. It just means I re-evaluate and choose other activities. Heck, when I was out of high school, I majored in theatre. Then yada yada yada, I had my first a month before I turned 21 and realized there’d be no way I could put in the days from 8AM – 1AM (that was often the case- school, work, and shows) AND still be there for my son. So I re-evaluated and became a computer geek instead
Thanks for this, Jon. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child and my husband and I have been talking about the importance of balance between his, mine and our time in order to have a healthy family life. I really enjoy reading the perspectives that you and Heather provide. It’s a tad weird to want to model your parenting after people you’ve never met, but I find myself turning to you two as not only parents that have survived, but thrived. Leta and Chuck are lucky kids.
On the life insurance note that a few posters have mentioned. Yes, it isn’t romantic and can be a little morose, but we both have it so that in the event something as random as a stingray stabbing you in the heart happens the one left behind will have the ability to care for our little one.
After having two babysitters leave to seek full-time employment, we had to start putting my kid in daycare last week. The issue of time spent with the family has come up quite a bit recently. I don’t get to see as much of my son as I’d like, so I appreciate that you don’t take your opportunity for granted.
My husband and I (brand new husband) have suffered some, only some, of the same issues you and Heather have… and I wonder, how do/have you done it? Have you stayed so strong? How have you not been overwhlemed by what is depression? How can you be a constant support and not become overwhlemed by what my husband and I have named the vacuum… the vacuum of depression? Do you have some sort of armor that depression cannot break through? Are you some sort of superhero that severe emotions cannot touch?
I know that my husband and I would love a blog or something about how you maintain when Heather is struggling, or when you struggle, or even if you do.
I cannot imagine that there are not other people out there who may wonder the same thing.
Just hoping for some love…
Tinker
This is a really wonderful post. I’m going to share it with my husband and several other people. Thanks for making my morning.
To be honest, part of the reason your post resonates with me is because it is similar to the way my husband has approached parenting (though not through the same motivation… I’m lucky in that I haven’t experienced PPD). I really wish that all mamas/wives got to experience something like this (a super devoted partner in life and parenting), because it makes the incredibly difficult job of parenting so much easier and much more enjoyable. If there were more men like you, engaged in their marriages, engaged in their parenting, imagine what it would do for our society. Wow.
And to go off on another theme you touch on at times, this might be easier for more people if it were easier to be self-employed. (There are a lot of hurdles to jump, as you know, many of them financial.) More accessible/affordable healthcare is right up there.
(Boy, that’s not where I thought this comment would go.)
Your girls are so lucky to have you. That was really touching. Thank you.
I just can’t imagine the stress of living with me when I’m going through a really tough depressive episode. Thank God there are angels like Scott and like you to watch over us when we are lost and terrified.
I’m just so proud for/of both of you.
It’s a shame more parents don’t take this attitude. I think it is so important to continue to “date” Daren, as well as have my own interests. Happy, healthy parents make for a happy healthy family. Good on ya.
I’ll bet if there were more fathers like you out there, the world would be a happier, more peaceful place. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
what a lovely post. i do believe that the online adventures and musings of the family armstrong make me melt into tears more frequently than anything else i read. (that’s meant to compliment you, not to make me sound like a wimp.)
Jon’s post reminded me of all of the calculated risks we take in our lives and how having a family certainly amplifies the consequences of those risks. In my work I see families coping with the losing family members and have had to harden myself a bit.
But there are always the patients who haunt you for some inexplicable reason, the ones who remind you that “you and I are no different other than the fact that you wake up every morning in a different house in the same city and that you happen to have a fatal disease that I do not have.” These are the people who remind me that luck has EVERYTHING to do with it, but that little sacrifices for the sake of our family may just tip the balance in our favor. These are the patients that helped me quit smoking- I just can’t afford to do it anymore.
Jon,
Great post. I just wish we didn’t have to call them sacrifices – these choices we make for the enrichment of our families. I gladly put my ‘new clothes’ allowance on the table to pay for a movie with my son or skip the Starbucks on the way to my part-time job just to hear him tell me for the ten millionth time about the ‘funny cartoon he watched’. I especially appreciated your response to Nicole – pointing out that you are INcluding your family and not EXcluding them. Making the CHOICE to start a family means that you make changes. Be they financial or otherwise, they will happen. I can’t fathom telling my son he can’t try something just because it’s something I don’t or didn’t normally do. Who knows? I may find that I like it!
Glad you’re feeling better, too.
that was very eloquent, beautiful even. I wish I could mean the same to my husband……
It means a lot to me to hear about men who really commit to fatherhood. My childhood was a nightmare of abuse at the hands of a child-hating, vicious, sadistic father. I need to hear more from dads like you who actually love their kids. That’s an alien concept to me.
Jon,
While I think it’s really important to consider your family’s needs, I also think that seeing that my parents had interests besides just parenting me taught me something. I may not have liked hiking when I was a kid, but I started to love it as a teenager and now have my own relationship to it. I love it now because partly because it connects me to my parents, to my past. Every parent has to strike a balance, obviously, between the necessary sacrifice and compromise, the kind that even feels good, and being enough of your own person.
Oh my God, Jon. You are a Real Man. Halleluiah! Your choices are the unselfish ones, the dignified ones, the ones that make you a noble, honorable, admirable person. Thank God you are there.
one of my most favorite posts of yours yet