My Lawyer Advised Me Not to Respond
May 29th, 2007Heather posted a very damaging picture of me:
dude can play a tune on Flickr (Read the comments as well)
It should be noted that this photo of me playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was the only way to make the children stop with the monotone note playing at 350db while we were all trapped indoors, blood pouring out of every orifice as we writhed on the floor in pain and misery. Also noteworthy is the fact that the cabin contains not one, but TWO recorders. I defy anyone to survive that kind of aural onslaught, much less have the raw courage to grab a recorder from a child and play a quick tune from their toddlerhood to calm them and force them to realize that they’re never going to play the recorder with such sensitivity and passion. So I took one for the team. It should also be noted that I played drums/percussion throughout middle and high schools, negating woodwind stigma that has haunted band geeks for decades.
I wish I could say that I played recorder through about 17 guitar pedals and a Marshall stack or two while wagging my mushroom and acid addled head, but I only know the C scale due to forced recorder time in the fourth and fifth grades. Any Ian Anderson similarities ended with the final year of cursive writing indoctrination and the playing of little league football.
To those who have strange primal urges towards the image that I’ll be suing my wife for posting: I later discovered that the recorder pictured has 100k volt tazer functionality to thwart closeted art/band fag bashers. o
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May 29th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
FREEBIRD!
May 30th, 2007 at 12:01 am
I dunno, Tull & Ska seem like a match made in cover heaven.
May 30th, 2007 at 2:14 am
Celebrate. Good times.
COME ON!
May 30th, 2007 at 6:23 am
Me thinks someone doth protest too much.
May 30th, 2007 at 7:38 am
If I still had it, I would break out the Swim Herschel Swim shirt.
May 30th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Seriously, had Heather ever opened for No Doubt? I didn’t think so.
(I didn’t mean that Heather… you’re my actual favorite, I’m just trying to kiss Jon’s ass so he’ll read my blog.)
May 30th, 2007 at 7:58 am
had = has. So much for impressing anyone with my writing skillz.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:37 am
At least you weren’t playing a skin flute, Jon.
Sheesh.
When I first saw the thumbnail of that pic on flickr I thought, “Where did Jon get that HUGE cigar?”
‘And sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’
May 30th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Can you do the Friendly Giant theme song?
May 30th, 2007 at 9:39 am
You nut.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Just when I thought I couldn’t like you anymore…
But can you play the cowbell?
May 30th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Dude, we need more cowbell. Just sayin’.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Isn’t anyone besides me curious as to why the Avon World Sales Leader has not one but two recorders in her cabin? Surely she knew the kids would blow them until…until….well, until Jon took them away and played with them himself.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Just remember if you’re ever recorderless, there is always the old blowing across the top of an empty bottle trick to render the (grand)parents bonkers.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:33 am
In our school district, all fourth graders learn the recorder. I suffered through many a practices in my house, but I think it was for a good cause. My little guy is a big math geek and was pretty psyched when he realized playing music was a fairly mathematical process.
He now wants guitar lessons. I’m hoping as an adult he’ll do something like find a cure for a major disease or launch rockets into outer space, but I’ll settle for sold-out stadiums and fan clubs.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Tracy,
A 12 oz bottle plays a G, in case you were wondering.
May 30th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Everybody has a little inner Tull. It takes a real man to play a flute baby. Or a maniacal Scotsman with a penchant for hopping around like a demented elf. Fit that bill Armstrong!
May 30th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
When my son was in third grade I was called to the school office. It seemed that my son had defyed(sp) his teacher by blowing his recorder very loudly after being told he would have to leave if he did it again. Of course I was VERY annoyed having to interupt my day and began to scold him with the “what were you thinking” lecture. He looked up at me with an impish grin and said “Have you ever been in a room of 35 third graders all blowing recorders!”
May 30th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
I’m male.
I played flute in highschool band.
Everything stupid and/or dangerous that I’ve done since has been an overcompensation stemming from those two facts.
That said, it’s a shame that recorders are thought to be children’s instruments. A good one played by a good player is quite beautiful.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Awwww…Juan took my comment!
May 30th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
OK, you win. The “monotone note playing at 350db while we were all trapped indoors, blood pouring out of every orifice as we writhed on the floor in pain and misery.” is worse than having to listen to a bunch of elementary students playing Edelweiss on the recorder during a production of TSOM.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
dood. why don’t you hook up your rss feed? it ain’t workin, nuthin but short leads in shrook.
May 30th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Have you seen that South Park episode where every kid in Colorado played the recorder and Yoko Ono was conducting? Stop me if I’m wrong. So so funny.
I was banned from the recorder as a kid, AND the violin, so ended up with the piano. With the door shut and the soft pedal on.
By the way I am so jealous re: the summer picture…it is freezing here today.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Wait…little league *football*!?
I think you’re a kid league poser. You didn’t get within 2 miles of organized sports in elementary school.
(Unless they really have such a thing as little league football where you come from - and in that case I take it all back.)
May 31st, 2007 at 8:03 am
Patty:
Ummm. . . http://www.littleleaguefootball.com/
May 31st, 2007 at 8:05 am
But that’s PROPER football. But there is Little League Football. Just Google it.
May 31st, 2007 at 8:23 am
Patty, I played football in a northern Utah league from 4th to 6th grades. That’s three seasons of 8 games each. We had uniforms, pads, helmets, coaches, playbooks, the works. I have no idea what you are on about unless you are from Texas.
Texas is in its own league of football.
May 31st, 2007 at 8:57 am
Last year you created the Clog Army. Perhaps you could do such a justice for the Band Fags/Geeks? I played the flute, but then I took up flags (colorguard) only to go to drama. You don’t understand emo until you have been in the high school drama and/or band…At my high school I was the only band that was cool were the bagpipers (and drummers). Maybe because everyone wanted to know what they wore under their kilts.
May 31st, 2007 at 8:58 am
I wish life had an edit button
May 31st, 2007 at 10:26 am
Yeah, we were all Drama Fags until 3 varsity cheerleaders and some senior drillteam members decided to join the department. Then we were the luckiest guys in school.
May 31st, 2007 at 1:30 pm
i played the recorder, the flute, and the clarinet. and i can’t tell you how many times people say, upon learning this, “this one time at….” i can’t even say the whole thing without wanting to retch.
June 1st, 2007 at 7:34 am
I think it’s hot.
June 2nd, 2007 at 11:16 am
The recorder is bush league. You don’t think you know real pain until you’re the kid that played bass clarinet for 2 years in middle school.
I think we can agree that there is nothing sexy about the clarinet (or oboe, recorder, etc), but this, the bass clarinet, looks like a special needs saxophone and, as my mother once said, sounds like a dying water buffalo. at least when I took to it. I’m not sure where she got off making that kind of comparison, seeing as we lived in CT - not exactly an abundance of water buffalo roaming around, but my gut says she was probably right.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:54 am
I got a feva. And the only cure… is more recorder.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:41 am
Offer no apologies, Dr. Blurb. I am 34 and can still play a mean Chariots of Fire on the recorder! Kick it old skool.