Mirror
June 5th, 2007I don’t know if I’m normal. I see dead people.
Just kidding. Kind of.
I have vivid memory recall of past moments in my life. I can remember certain times in my life with photographic detail. Colors, smells and emotions are in perfect focus. I imagine there is some rose-tinting going on, but it’s still an overwhelming sensation. People have commented on how much Leta looks like my father, me and my family in general. I see a lot of Heather as well, to be sure, but lately Leta and I will be playing or roughhousing and Leta will do something simple, a gesture, a word, a gaze and I’m in recall mode.
Sometimes I pick her up and not only is it like I’m looking in a mirror, but also it is like I’m looking into my past. I have these strong memories flooding my senses… of my siblings or parents holding me or playing with me when I was little; close to Leta’s age now. I remember everything in sharp detail. The smell, how I felt so happy and excited and full of love. A few of nights ago, I picked up Leta and the look on her face took me back so far that I almost lost my balance. It’s as though I’m looking through her to my past. It’s freaky.
Parenthood is a strange cocktail of humor, bittersweet authoritarianism and tender moments that swing from heartbreak to heaven. I think being home and around Leta more than the average dad punctuates these feelings. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.
Sometimes I will see a look from Leta that takes me back to me looking at my father. In her look are a ton of emotions that span from simply upset to something more like a blender full of standoffishness, exasperation and frustration. All in one look from a three year-old. I gave this same look to my dad countless times throughout my life. And no amount of computer generated effects can replicate the out of body experience of seeing yourself in your child so completely.
Leta and I already have sown the dynamic with my father and I’m trying hard to eradicate it. I don’t want the relationship to head down bad roads where she’s afraid to speak around me or afraid of my judgment. I don’t want her to pipe down around me. I want her to sing out. Sing out every atonal note with bad timing. I’ve got to change this now and every day that follows, because during puberty, it’s going to be much rougher.
Leta has an attitude and can be bossy. Most of which I attribute to being three years old and the rest I attribute to a split of her own personality and her parental genes. Part of me loves that she’s not afraid to holler out, but when it turns dark and she gets so mad she hits me or her mother and her tone goes mean, my hackles go up and I kick into the dad mode where I channel the best and worst parts of my father. Mostly worst.
Heather’s really good at applying things from her difficult periods of childhood towards Leta and it’s helped me to do the same. I always get better and quicker results by maintaining a parental zenlike calm where I re-voice her concern and talk her down or ask her to take a couple of deep breaths and then I tell her to “let it go” very calmly. After about 2 seconds, she’ll calm down and ask nicely for that thing she’s already screamed for a thousand times. I reward the nice asking always. My dad and I never had this dynamic. I only hope that between Leta and myself, we can keep it up. o
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June 5th, 2007 at 10:35 am
You have such an amazing grasp on parenthood that the majority of men just never have, and a lot of them sadly have no interest in learning. My dad has only really been around the latter half of my 28 years (not his fault though) and my stepfather ALWAYS shouted me down. I never had a dynamic with him, neither did his own children. Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents.
You and Heather on the other hand, are step-by-step changing my ‘never having kids’ idea to a maybe. Then probably, the screaming ovaries syndrome. But in a nice way. Thanks for sharing it all, the good and the bad
June 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Thank you so much for this entry. I have a four month old and when I see my temper in her face, I can feel the reaction boiling in me that I got from my parents. I tamp it down because I want her to only know her mother always loves her.
June 5th, 2007 at 11:14 am
So much better than the twitter posts. This post is like a mirror for me. I see so many of those same dynamics as a parent myself… trying So hard no to fuck it up the way my dad did.
June 5th, 2007 at 11:21 am
“Dude, you’re being very Un-Dude.”
June 5th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Sounds like you and Heather both have a better grasp on parenting than either of my parents ever had.
I had such a lousy childhood, that my wife and I made the decision early on not to have any kids. I never, ever wanted to have children of mine experience *any* of the pain that went along with my early life. Not trusting myself, and judging myself much to selfish to be a parent, I have abstained from the joy that you obviously get from your daughter.
I’m pretty sure that I will regret it when I am old. Heck, sometimes I regret it now. . .
June 5th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
This post is to say the very least, awesome! By the second paragraph I was already trying to read through tears. I could completely sense your emotion behind all this.
There is no doubt in my mind that Leta is going to grow up to be a very talented, and special lady. Perhaps the key here is that you and Heather are on the same page with raising Leta. It seems your focus is on the positive, not ignoring the reality that there is negatives in life, but helping her learn EARLY how to cope with those negatives in a productive and positive way.
Will you guys adopt me? lol You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, can’t you???
June 5th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
One of my favorite things blogs written by parents is when they admit the truths that perviously went unspoken. The honesty that you and your wife share with the blogosphere is so heartening for parents like me, who are riddled with self-doubt and moments of shame. You guys set a great example.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I totally understand where you are coming from on this. I think most parents cringe at the thought of becoming a parent like their own, I know I do. The sucky part is that becoming a parent like your own is the easiest thing to do, it’s harder to go against what you know. My greatest hope for my kids is for them to look back fondly on their childhood and not fear becoming a parent like my husband and I was to them.
Good luck! Parenting is so stinking hard yet the reward can be so great. I look forward to reading how you, Heather and Leta are doing. By the way, your daughter is gorgeous, you better start stocking up on shot guns for the boys that will be knocking on your door.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Jon, this might be your best post ever. Wow.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
My children are 30 and 23, and a wise person told me somewhere along the way that the way your children act at 3 is the way they’ll want to act 10 years later. And it’s true. If you can’t get control of the situation when they’re 3 or 4 you’ll have lots of challenges as they become teenagers. I think you’re both doing a wonderful job with Leta.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
God how I wish you had the time or the inspiration to give us long posts like this more often.
“Parenthood is a strange cocktail of humor, bittersweet authoritarianism and tender moments that swing from heartbreak to heaven.”
One of the most beautifully honest things I’ve ever read from a dad.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
“…the look on her face took me back so far that I almost lost my balance.”
Lovely.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Ditto what Annie said, though I read it as being the terrible twos: whatever you see at that developmental stage will be repeated at puberty. So if your doors are slamming now, take them off the hinge in ten years. It will save on the dry wall expenses.
Good for you. A daughter that has a good relationship with her father won’t be looking for male approval at 13.
Can you tell I have a 13 year old daughter?
June 5th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Somebody once said to me that the most important part of parenting is being present. It means everything that you are present, that you think about these things, and that you’re willing to say you’re sorry when you screw up. Because you will. Just be there.
Also:
Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
Jon Jon Jon Jon Jon.
Sorry for the huge comment…
June 5th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I am having a baby boy in less than 8 weeks. I’m freaked out beyond belief. I’m also unbelievably excited to meet him. As days go on, I grow more and more excited. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Oh, so scared.
And then I read things like this and Heather’s most recent newsletter and, well, for a while all the worry melts away. I suddenly realize WHY I’m doing this and how awesome it’s going to be.
But man! Becoming a parent is frightening.
June 5th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
You and Heather are both amazing writers. More often than not, either her or your posts are timely to events in my own life. It makes us all feel to good to know that so many of us share so many thoughts and experiences.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Jon, I love this post. You’re making me realize how much I have to look forward to.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Don’t be too hard on yourself my friend. I think being aware that we are going to make mistakes and wanting to do better is what enables us to become better.
When I think “good parents” you and Heather are way up there on the list.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Not having kids myself I can’t really comment on the parenting side of things, but it’s lovely that you are aware of the type of behaviours you don’t want Leta to see and you actually put that into practice. So many people say “when I have kids I’ll NEVER….” and I wonder how much of that comes true.
On the other hand I too, sometimes have photographic recall of certain events…I’ll be all “surely you remember? You were wearing a pink top? Ghostbusters was on the radio?” and my sister is staring at me saying Stop Making Stuff Up.
June 6th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Apparently the attitude and bossiness come with the 2-3 year old territory. Our punkass is the same way. When she’s sweet she’s very very sweet but when she’s not…
It feels very surreal to engage in power struggles with someone that cannot even wipe their own butt- especially when it feels like they are winning. I think most of us sometimes secretly worry that we aren’t doing this whole parenting thing right so it’s good to remember that it’s common at this age and will eventually pass…though I’m sure there will be some new delightful phase to look forward to!
June 6th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Ditto to many things people said above. Deep down I think…I’m so glad I’m not the only one struggling with this! My only other (possibly important) thought is, don’t beat yourself up. We’re all of us works in progress.
June 6th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Delurking to say thanks for this. One of your best posts for sure.
June 6th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Wow, Jon.
I’m very blessed that my daughter is now 28 years old and someone I can be proud of. It wasn’t easy, but now, when I think back on it, raising her to be a decent human being was one of the best things I ever did in my life.
Everything else I’ve ‘accomplished’ is just a bonus.
Leta is gonna have some awesome memories of her dad. And that is just too cool.
June 6th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Jon, that was beautiful. I think the fact that you are even aware of what you don’t want to do is half the battle. My dad had a bad experience with his dad and he was so detirmined not to be the same way (even though they are so similar - and now my brother and my cousin and my cousin’s son are the same too…). My dad isn’t perfect and has a huge temper and (still!) drives me mad, but I was never afraid of him and always knew that he loved me and my brothers more than anything else. Cycles can be broken.
June 7th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Your post touched me as it did the other commentors. Makes me want to give you a big bear hug and say “Well Done!”
I wish my ex-husband could understand this concept of “being there” and “formative years” for our daughter’s sake, but it is not to be. I’m sure he’ll realize in the future what a huge mistake he’s made in not being more involved with our daughter and it so reminds me of the relationship I had with my own father. The guilt I feel for putting my daughter in that same position with an emotionally absent father suffocates me at times. All I can do is be here for her and love her unconditionally… and eventually pick up the pieces of her heart that will be broken by her father one day… and then by the men she will choose in her father’s shadow.
Knowing men like you exist keeps me from hating the entire male race. God bless you and your wonderful family!!