I am Married to an Ox
November 5th, 2007Me: “You need to put some more liquid in that smoothy smoothie mix. Can you smell the blender? It’s too thick for the blades to move.”
Her: “Shut up. I make these all the time. You don’t know what you’re doing.”
Me: “All I’m saying is that you need more liquid in there.”
[takes a spoon and scoops a healthy dollop, holding it up]
“Look, it’s too thick. You’re going to burn out the motor. It smells like slot cars in here.”
Her: “Slot cars? What the hell is that?”
Me: …
Her: “I know what I’m doing. Leave.”
Me: “Do you have a contingency plan for what you’ll do when the blender is on fire?”
Her: [rolls eyes]
Me: “Come get me calmly when it blows up.” [leaves kitchen]
Time passes. Cursing from kitchen. Smells of burning make their way through the house. More cursing. Back door opens and closes. I am silent.
Her: “Hey the smoothies are ready.”
Me: “Ok, be right there.” [enters kitchen to find blender is gone]
“Where’s the blender? What happened? It smells like ass in here.”
Her: “Whut?”
“…”
Me: “Where did you put the blender? Is it close to anything flammable?”
Her: “…” [blinks repeatedly]
Me: “You are more stubborn than an ox. A Mormon pioneer ox.”
* * *
This morning I find this out back:
click image to see larger version
She’s holding her ground despite being wrong. I can fix some things, but I can’t fix stubborn. o
-
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November 5th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
You are CRACKIN’ me up….
November 5th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
So who gets the new blender for Christmas?
November 5th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Haha I love when people act like this. I do this sometimes and feel stupid while doing it but have already taken my position and to budge would be treason. Reminds me of the scene in Running With Scissors when the two kids bust up the ceiling and the house owners response is “I think it brings a much needed sense of humor to the kitchen”. Non sequiturs should beget non sequiturs; its like fighting fire with fire.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
That was awesome. I too am married….
November 5th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
http://digg.com/celebrity/I_am_Married_to_an_Ox/blog
November 5th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I love the “whut?” haha. Also the blenders many different ways to mush stuff….it can Liquify! And Grind! Most just say 1 to 5.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
if that’s not love i don’t know what it.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Seriously…how long have you been married?
Really. Please believe me…they are right…they are always right. Even when they are wrong…there right. Just smile and tell her how good the smoothie was.
And look at the bright side…Waring make a stainless steel blender. The Waring Commercial Extreme!!! The only thing possibly better than buying one is having your wife provide you the excuse to go buy one. Well maybe if Apple made the iBlender…that might be better.
Seriously the Waring will liquefy a roll of pennies. Sure it’s a car payment. Maybe then she will listen.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I learned they are right way before the ceremony. Enjoy your blender shopping!
November 5th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
sorry bad link before:
http://digg.com/celebrity/I_am_Married_to_an_Ox
November 5th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
I think it’s the “it smells like slot cars in here” line that seals the deal on this one.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Sounds like you need to get one of these puppies (designed in Orem, UT).
http://www.willitblend.com/
November 5th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
I second willitblend dot com.
I’ve had the analogous conversation regarding the garbage disposal. The slot cars comment is great especially considering I’m sure she had no clue what you meant.
Although, word of warning, never ever ever again refer to you wife with the word “ox” in the statement. You are lucky to be alive right now.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
So she’s wanted a reason to get a high quality blender for a while now,(I know I do)what’s the big deal? lol
November 5th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Tee Hee maybe it was a grand plan to get a super duper heavy duty blender!?
And just think what great strength of character she has to be able to argue a wrong point so voraciously!! haha
November 5th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I am partial to the Cuisinart: http://www.cuisinart.com/catalog/product.php?product_id=2&item_id=7&cat_id=1
November 5th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I can’t fix stubborn either….
November 5th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
OK, after 30 years of breaking blenders, I got a Waring commercial “Margarita Madness” blender. I’ll earn my 50th anniversary because of this puppy. http://www.abestkitchen.com/store/margarita-madness.html
November 5th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
This may be my favorite thing you’ve ever posted.
November 5th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Mormon Pioneer Ox… STILL LAUGHING HARD!!!
Oh and somewhat on topic, is it true that Donny and Marie Osmond are Mormon? I NEVER knew that.
love these back and forths… it’s great.. on dooce’s site..who was who? Are you the 130 iQ?
November 5th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
The problem is not the wife. The problem is the blender. An Osterizer?? Seriously? That 1970’s blender with zero horsepower? Those blenders smell like smoke if you so much as look at it wrong. You need to get a kick ass blender. Like a Blend-Tec or a Vit-a-Mix. These blenders don’t need no water to work. I have one and it does EVERYthing (expensive but so worth it). It even liquifies stubborn.
Check it: http://www.willitblend.com (Blends an iPhone!? Say it ain’t so!!)
November 5th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Being give the option to “mince” by a kitchen utensil is truly brilliant.
November 5th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Hmmm… I’m suspicious. That blender is neither mid-century in appearance nor modern. I think it’s 80’s housewife sensibilities were offending her taste. I say, destroyed on purpose.
November 5th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
We have that same blender. It sucks ass. Heather did you a favor. We have that exact same blender at home. I have been campaigning for a new one for a while, but Mr Frugal is rather attached to it (or rather the money we would spend on a new one). Hmmm. Maybe it should be his next birthday gift.
November 5th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Ooops. I repeated myself. That will teach me to proofread before I post.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Try this:
http://tinyurl.com/yyv6kt
I’ve had one of these going for half an hour. No problem.
If you get one, I’ve got a sticky bun recipe good enough to tide over the next lens for the camera.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
‘it smells like slot cars in here’….
Some people laugh…..some need an explanation.
Priceless!
November 5th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
What the hell are slotcars?
November 5th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
“Smells Like Slotcars” is the funniest thing I’ve heard in days.
And yes, Virginia, the Oster sucks.
I am shocked that she didn’t have a Vitamix in her mormom hope chest.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I like you.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
“Back door opens and closes. I am silent.”
You’re so smart.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Haven’t you heard? Stubborn is the new black.
I’M SO IN THIS SEASON.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
We just got the Vita-Mix. Its pricey like the Blend Tec. I know Smoothie King uses them. We’ve had it about two months now. We love it and we make smootheis everyday. We had the Cuisnart that someone mentioned from above. It burnt up after 5 months. I wouldn’t get that one.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
The smell of slot cars reminds me of Christmas time sitting around the tree racing Robert and Tim and getting pissed off everytime my car flew off the track because I was torquing it too much.
November 5th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
The one thing I have learned: you are the man, it is always your fault.
November 5th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
I used to think women belonged in the kitchen. Guess I’m wrong.
November 6th, 2007 at 12:27 am
But were the smoothies full of liquoricious goodness? If so, then all should be forgiven. Don’t underestimate the value of a woman who will fix you a cocktail. Even a very, very stubborn one.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:18 am
HAHAHAHA!!! I don’t know what I’d do without you and your wife in my daily reading… it’s often funnier than the Sunday comics. Slot cars are the perfect description of that smell, I’ll have to remember that one. Just want to sympathize; I feel your pain that you can’t fix stubborn.
November 6th, 2007 at 3:25 am
HA! Definitely your fault!
You allowed a product made out of faux papier mache that’s meant for serious work to fall into the hands of a woman of appalachian heritage.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
Buy a freakin’ wood chipper and affix a transparent kevlar vestibule to the end of it and bolt it to the side of your house.
Problem solved!
You’re welcome
November 6th, 2007 at 4:15 am
get a vitamix. my family has one, and they’re amazing. one time my mother stuck the plastic stirrer stick inside while it was running, without the protective lid that keeps it away from the blades… there was plastic carnage. so we called them up and they sent us new blades and a new plastic stick!
most of the big smoothie places use them… jamba juice, orange julius, etc. they’re quite heavy duty.
and if you get the dry blade, you can make bread dough. it’s quite exciting.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:30 am
I don’t think Heather’s ox-like at all, as blender use goes. This is the first one she’s broken, right? Unless she was adding gravel to the smoothies, her insistence on reasonable blender performance seems quite serene.
See, there’s a Blender Spectrum of Stubbornness, and it’s unlikely your bride will reach even the middle range. My mother is at about the 48th %ile, b/c she only kills two blenders a year. She always receives a high-end consumer blender for her birthday and a commercial one for her anniversary. Waring’s “Commercial” “Extreme” cried when she opened it, and the true commercial ones last only slightly longer.
Chances Heather will ever become Valedictorian of Blender Stubborn: non-zero but very, very low. Still, if you fear she might get ambitious, find a lab that disposes of rodent carcasses by liquifying them and buy her a (new, of course) 750-watt, commutator motor driven, batch feed machine. Most labs claim to use other disposal methods; chances are better at company labs than at university ones.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:18 am
smells like slot cars! YES! I use that after someone has been cranking on the cordless DeWalt at work.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Have you seen the movie Gremlins? Time to get one of THOSE blenders.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Sorry, I can’t comment. I’m too busy laughing.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:48 am
They sell the Vitamix at Costco. You can buy the wrapping paper there too.
You two make my sides split. LOL.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:48 am
i love the smell of slot cars.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Slot cars…. yeah, that brings back some memories. Sense of smell is so tied to memory, and they flooded back at the mere mention. If you’ve never played with them, you wouldn’t understand.
I gave up on a stationary blender a long time ago, and started using a Braun Hand Blender - http://tinyurl.com/2mk8f6 - which works great, turns frozen strawberries to a fine liquid in seconds and powers through ice cubes like an industrial tree mulcher. Plus, it’s cheap and cleans up in a snap.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I have an extra blender, still new in box, if you need it ;-). Extra wedding present I am willing to sacrafice to the cause….
November 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Did you once look at the placemat in those strange cheezy Chinese restaurants and discover that your wife was born in the year of the ox? That’s precisely how I knew I was an ox. I’m not a Mormon ox, I was born into a family who practices religion on the real lunatic fringes, with lots of smug Christian superiority. Does your family also call you a Tool of Satan?
November 6th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Ya, but Jon? I bet the smoothie kicked-ass!
November 6th, 2007 at 11:09 am
One hasn’t truly lived until one’s olfactory system has been baptised with the heavenly fragrance of rabid slot car racing. If I still had my set, I’d gift it to Heather. Thanks for the morning laugh!
November 6th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Stubbornness is bi-sexual. My husband is the Mississippi River Delta Boy of stubbornness. Like Rodney Crowell says, he’d “argue with a parking brake to show ‘em who’s the boss”.
November 6th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
What’s your smoothie recipe?? Are there any blenders that don’t leave airbubbles in the smoothy? I use a cup of oj, 1 cup or so of fat free milk, 3-4 oz tofu, two scoops EAS whey protein, a nanner and a handfull of frozen blueberries. My husband doesn’t like the air bubble foam stuff that forms on top. I tell him people pay for foam at Starbucks, just drink it, already.
November 6th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Maybe I should tell him to go stand outback…
November 6th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
OMG dude! This totally cracked me up! Thanks for making my day. I now know I’m not the only stubborn female in the world.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I guess this is what happens when an Oster blender meets a pair of Crocs?
November 6th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
All around the U.S. people are waiting for an opportunity to use “it smells like slotcars in here”…
Myself included..
November 6th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
This is so like my husband and I… lol!
November 6th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Stubborn nonwithstanding, “smoothy” is definitely actually “smoothie.”
November 6th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
@rachel, fixed. Unlike stubborn wife.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I was nearly rolling on the floor with laughter, you sir have made my night.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary mostly due to my husband’s motto: A happy wife, is a happy life.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Slotcars — too funny!
But which animal is the one that falls a week behind on updating his wife’s banner graphic? (And is that creature a member of the Chinese zodiac?)
Remember, this is kinder, gentler busting. Or would you prefer to be gored by mormonox pioneeriensis?
November 6th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
SMOOTHIE? Why are you people making SMOOTHIES?
Do you wear velour pantsuits too?
Fussing over SMOOTHIES? I hear the Pacer is an excellent
automobile. And that kid Rod Stewart can SING!
And how about those nifty things called Post-It Notes,
made by rocket scientists I hear.
MILKSHAKES are the ticket these days. Stick to Moose
Tracks ice cream, pour in the statins
and your marriage and your kitchen appliances
will last decades as you will both be too happy
with REAL ingredients to fuss over petty quirks.
Your blender was killed by a SMOOTHIE.
Save the blenders, make milkshakes!
November 7th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Milkshakes!? Yeah, right - for your household, I would think margaritas would be the ticket. And I vote with all those above who think you deserve a better blender.
November 8th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Slot cars! My dad owned an RC racing shop back in the 80s - and he had a HUGE slot-car track, which is no in pieces in my parents’ garage. He can’t bear to get rid of it!
I haven’t heard about one of those things in ages. GOD I loved my pink slot car, but I flipped it on every. single. turn.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
You just called your wife an Ox on the internet!
I’m suprised you lived to post this!! LOL!
November 8th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
I recommend the Vita Mix. It’s expensive, but it has a 2Hp motor, and if you overwork it (which my husband has done a couple of times) it just shuts off until it cools off. But for the most part, it’ll puree everything, even whole apples.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
i have the cuisinart someone suggested - it’s about to blow too. i’ve heard the vitamix is great too.
November 8th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
mmmm…slot cars…the scent of the 70’s
November 8th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
People from Memphis (Bartlett) don’t say whut…..
Whut do you mean, saying that???
November 9th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I cracked up at this post and immediately sent the link to my boyfriend, knowing full well it would cause a “who’s more stubborn” debate.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
You are my hero. Keep fighting the good fight!
Best regards,
Croc wearer in Atlanta