I am Married to an Ox
November 5th, 2007Me: “You need to put some more liquid in that smoothy smoothie mix. Can you smell the blender? It’s too thick for the blades to move.”
Her: “Shut up. I make these all the time. You don’t know what you’re doing.”
Me: “All I’m saying is that you need more liquid in there.”
[takes a spoon and scoops a healthy dollop, holding it up]
“Look, it’s too thick. You’re going to burn out the motor. It smells like slot cars in here.”
Her: “Slot cars? What the hell is that?”
Me: …
Her: “I know what I’m doing. Leave.”
Me: “Do you have a contingency plan for what you’ll do when the blender is on fire?”
Her: [rolls eyes]
Me: “Come get me calmly when it blows up.” [leaves kitchen]
Time passes. Cursing from kitchen. Smells of burning make their way through the house. More cursing. Back door opens and closes. I am silent.
Her: “Hey the smoothies are ready.”
Me: “Ok, be right there.” [enters kitchen to find blender is gone]
“Where’s the blender? What happened? It smells like ass in here.”
Her: “Whut?”
“…”
Me: “Where did you put the blender? Is it close to anything flammable?”
Her: “…” [blinks repeatedly]
Me: “You are more stubborn than an ox. A Mormon pioneer ox.”
* * *
This morning I find this out back:
click image to see larger version
She’s holding her ground despite being wrong. I can fix some things, but I can’t fix stubborn. o
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November 5th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Try this:
http://tinyurl.com/yyv6kt
I’ve had one of these going for half an hour. No problem.
If you get one, I’ve got a sticky bun recipe good enough to tide over the next lens for the camera.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
‘it smells like slot cars in here’….
Some people laugh…..some need an explanation.
Priceless!
November 5th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
What the hell are slotcars?
November 5th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
“Smells Like Slotcars” is the funniest thing I’ve heard in days.
And yes, Virginia, the Oster sucks.
I am shocked that she didn’t have a Vitamix in her mormom hope chest.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I like you.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
“Back door opens and closes. I am silent.”
You’re so smart.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Haven’t you heard? Stubborn is the new black.
I’M SO IN THIS SEASON.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
We just got the Vita-Mix. Its pricey like the Blend Tec. I know Smoothie King uses them. We’ve had it about two months now. We love it and we make smootheis everyday. We had the Cuisnart that someone mentioned from above. It burnt up after 5 months. I wouldn’t get that one.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
The smell of slot cars reminds me of Christmas time sitting around the tree racing Robert and Tim and getting pissed off everytime my car flew off the track because I was torquing it too much.
November 5th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
The one thing I have learned: you are the man, it is always your fault.
November 5th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
I used to think women belonged in the kitchen. Guess I’m wrong.
November 6th, 2007 at 12:27 am
But were the smoothies full of liquoricious goodness? If so, then all should be forgiven. Don’t underestimate the value of a woman who will fix you a cocktail. Even a very, very stubborn one.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:18 am
HAHAHAHA!!! I don’t know what I’d do without you and your wife in my daily reading… it’s often funnier than the Sunday comics. Slot cars are the perfect description of that smell, I’ll have to remember that one. Just want to sympathize; I feel your pain that you can’t fix stubborn.
November 6th, 2007 at 3:25 am
HA! Definitely your fault!
You allowed a product made out of faux papier mache that’s meant for serious work to fall into the hands of a woman of appalachian heritage.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
Buy a freakin’ wood chipper and affix a transparent kevlar vestibule to the end of it and bolt it to the side of your house.
Problem solved!
You’re welcome
November 6th, 2007 at 4:15 am
get a vitamix. my family has one, and they’re amazing. one time my mother stuck the plastic stirrer stick inside while it was running, without the protective lid that keeps it away from the blades… there was plastic carnage. so we called them up and they sent us new blades and a new plastic stick!
most of the big smoothie places use them… jamba juice, orange julius, etc. they’re quite heavy duty.
and if you get the dry blade, you can make bread dough. it’s quite exciting.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:30 am
I don’t think Heather’s ox-like at all, as blender use goes. This is the first one she’s broken, right? Unless she was adding gravel to the smoothies, her insistence on reasonable blender performance seems quite serene.
See, there’s a Blender Spectrum of Stubbornness, and it’s unlikely your bride will reach even the middle range. My mother is at about the 48th %ile, b/c she only kills two blenders a year. She always receives a high-end consumer blender for her birthday and a commercial one for her anniversary. Waring’s “Commercial” “Extreme” cried when she opened it, and the true commercial ones last only slightly longer.
Chances Heather will ever become Valedictorian of Blender Stubborn: non-zero but very, very low. Still, if you fear she might get ambitious, find a lab that disposes of rodent carcasses by liquifying them and buy her a (new, of course) 750-watt, commutator motor driven, batch feed machine. Most labs claim to use other disposal methods; chances are better at company labs than at university ones.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:18 am
smells like slot cars! YES! I use that after someone has been cranking on the cordless DeWalt at work.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Have you seen the movie Gremlins? Time to get one of THOSE blenders.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Sorry, I can’t comment. I’m too busy laughing.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:48 am
They sell the Vitamix at Costco. You can buy the wrapping paper there too.
You two make my sides split. LOL.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:48 am
i love the smell of slot cars.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Slot cars…. yeah, that brings back some memories. Sense of smell is so tied to memory, and they flooded back at the mere mention. If you’ve never played with them, you wouldn’t understand.
I gave up on a stationary blender a long time ago, and started using a Braun Hand Blender - http://tinyurl.com/2mk8f6 - which works great, turns frozen strawberries to a fine liquid in seconds and powers through ice cubes like an industrial tree mulcher. Plus, it’s cheap and cleans up in a snap.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I have an extra blender, still new in box, if you need it ;-). Extra wedding present I am willing to sacrafice to the cause….
November 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Did you once look at the placemat in those strange cheezy Chinese restaurants and discover that your wife was born in the year of the ox? That’s precisely how I knew I was an ox. I’m not a Mormon ox, I was born into a family who practices religion on the real lunatic fringes, with lots of smug Christian superiority. Does your family also call you a Tool of Satan?
November 6th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Ya, but Jon? I bet the smoothie kicked-ass!