How I Do
December 20th, 2007Several of you have made the request over the years that I share my perspectives on living with someone who has chronic depression. I’ve been reluctant to share for many reasons. The biggest reason I haven’t is that part of living with someone who can spiral downward and inward means that I have to be careful about what I say and do. If the fire is raging, you don’t throw fuel on it or add gunpowder to it. Day to day, I’m probably being overly cautious. During stressful times of the year or during stressful events, those days where I need to be careful are more frequent. It seems like we’ve barely been able to catch our breath until very recently and now it is holiday season. Which, as you are aware, contains no stress at all.
Fixing It by Not Fixing It
As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening.
I’m not certain this is entirely gender-related, as I’m certain it is just as likely that a woman can be a fixer as well. It just keeps coming up for me that I can’t fix it and I need to shut up and listen. Almost two years ago, Leah Crawford interviewed me for her site, Leahpeah and asked me how Heather’s illness had affected my life. I wrote then that people in relationships, particularly the man, often have a strong desire to fix things. What I neglected to say then is that one of the best ways to help somebody is to shut up and listen. This is extraordinarily difficult for me as a talker. I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.
So. Listen.
Stress Management & Meds
In our case, Heather handles stress very differently than most people I know. She is a master internalizer and the whiff of brooding energy she emits outward is usually an indication that there is a much larger inner storm raging. I’ll usually try to get a calm moment when just the two of us can talk and I’ll have to ask her about five or six times if something is wrong or if she needs to talk. Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off. Especially given some of the big things we’ve done in the past two years. Starting a business, selling our house by ourselves, moving, her projects, professional and occupational stress, etc. have all proven to be major stressors. I view my role as to simultaneously get things done and listen when called upon. I don’t regret this role, and I don’t begrudge it. I view every conversation as a chance to learn something new. And a chance for me to tell myself to listen.
As part of intense stress periods, I always have to ask, sometimes repeatedly, about medication levels. The professionals who successfully treated Heather for post-partum depression came up with a drug cocktail that saved Heather’s life. It’s my job to help her stay on those meds and help her assess whether or not they are working like they did in 2004. This will be an ongoing thing for the rest of her life. There are good days around the prescription discussion and not so good days. As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty. The stress on me during these times builds and builds. I have to be careful in how I release that stress. I also have to make time for me. I have had to learn that most of what is bothering Heather has nothing to do with me or our relationship. It has to do with her internalizing stress and how she deals with life when it gets overwhelming. To be sure, there are those times when I’ve done something wrong or I’m not doing enough or I’m caught up in a project and it causes friction. Just like every other relationship.
Our life is such that we must become adept at crisis management. Home ownership, parenthood and business ownership means that things are going to happen, sometimes all at once. I have to be in a good place to have a clear head to deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. This is not easy. I do a lot of self talk (sometimes freaking Heather out) to either practice conversations I need to have or help me work through a situation. I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.
I have to have a good amount of sleep to face the next day. I get this by taking an antihistamine that helps me sleep and dries out my perpetually runny nose. Side effect: used to be prescribed as a mild anti-depressant. Getting enough sleep makes it so much easier to listen and/or take over if Heather can’t function.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m always open to trying medication if I think I need it. Heather has suggested I try a few things in the past, but I’ve so far not had a steady course of anti-depressants. Typically, getting enough sleep, changing my life (sometimes with talk therapy) and managing my stress have helped me through the hardest of times. If I’m being a jerk, no medication is going to fix that. I have to recognize I’m being a jerk and work on it. I think everybody on the planet goes through jerk phases and being aware is the beginning to living a life that is less difficult on those around us.
Openness Leads to Success
I have to be open. Being raised as I was and given my own propensities, this is extremely difficult for me. I have admired Heather’s openness and willingness to share, but there is always that part of me that worries if there will be a cost later. I can’t decide if I was meant to be a risk management assessor, tin foil proponent or character in either an E.M. Forster or M. Somerset Maugham novel.
Talk therapy has been something that has saved me, saved my relationship with Heather and made our lives together stronger. It is hard work and difficult to hear and learn things about oneself, but I believe that every single person on the planet would benefit from talk therapy. Maybe one doesn’t need it all the time, but I view it as something that I can turn to and use to help navigate through life. I don’t think that because I’m living with Heather, I’ll do more therapy because of her illness. I need it for myself and together, we’ll need it for our relationship. It’s not weak or lame to face ones issues. It’s not strong to live in denial. It’s not strong to live in fear of talking about the dynamics of how we process life events or why we react the way we do. I only wish I had sought therapy after my father died and that in my first marriage, I had sought therapy earlier. I’m not sure that my life would be different, but perhaps better. I’m very happy now, and I love where I am, both professionally and personally. Most importantly, for Leta, I love where we are. She needs happy and healthy parents.
As with any chronic illness, any form of treatment needs to be done carefully and with supervision from professionals. I can’t stress enough how lucky we have been to have had doctors willing to try certain combinations of medicines. We’ve taken it into our own hands in the past and sought different doctors when it was clear that Heather was responding to medicine or a particular doctor has a propensity for a certain diagnosis or treatment that wasn’t helping. The saddest part of treating depression is that most doctors want to ramp up the medicine (for good reason) and it’s very difficult to see a response sometimes. I wish there were a better way to deliver a clinical dosage of meds on an outpatient basis. Most of my experience in this area comes from watching Heather start a medicine for a few weeks and have it either make her worse or have no effect. In order to deliver the dosage and right cocktail, Heather had to be in a hospital/facility where she could be monitored. There was no ramping up. And that is exactly what Heather needed.
One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way. This adds a burden to any relationship and ours is no different. One of the hardest things to write, is that Heather’s illness means that sometimes she can’t be there for me in a way that I need her to be. I learned this early on, but I still have a hard time making room in our relationship for the largest side effect on me of her illness. It’s not maliciousness on her part. It’s not ignorance. It’s that the disease is all-consuming. I do stand up for myself and I have to be more verbal than I’ve ever been about stating clearly that I need her or I’m having a rough day. Fortunately, those times are fewer as things have smoothed out career-wise and I’ve learned how to tell her that I’m struggling or I need to talk.
In every relationship there is work to be done. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are people who are likely to be better suited for one another, but there is no magic. While this post might sound like it’s not worth it or that Heather and I are having problems, I should clarify that it’s not like that. If I didn’t care about Heather, or wasn’t willing to do the work that a relationship demands, I’d be worse off in my life. Living with Heather is worth it. I’m in love with her and willing. I feel that she shares this feeling about me and that makes all of this so much easier to live with and deal with. In my past, I’ve shied away from doing the hard work in a relationship and in looking back using talk-therapy and a few great therapists, I’ve been able to see that my own laziness and unwillingness to work has harmed myself and others. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take what I’ve learned from therapy and apply it to the best relationship I’ve ever known.
Get Help
To the people out there who denigrate mental health awareness and treatment, I say this: You aren’t helping. You are making it worse. Stop being an arrogant know-it-all. You aren’t right. You are wrong. If someone tells you they need help, your opinion means less than that of professionals. Stop being ignorant. Stop being obstinate. Stop insisting that your loved one, partner, child or co-worker “get over it”. They won’t get over it until you let it go and encourage them to seek help. There are many different approaches and ways to treat mental diseases and conditions. The first step is letting go. You could probably use some time talking it out yourself. o
Tags: depression, essay, stress, therapy
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December 23rd, 2007 at 12:16 am
i only had to read the second comment ,
i hear this all the time, and i thought i was wrong.
thanks john and bryanne, “get over it”
i hear that all the time.
and they are supposed to love me.
December 23rd, 2007 at 12:18 am
Thanks for that. It’s awesome to read how another guy is living with his wife’s disease. I think the hardest part for me is being “strong and assertive” without being overly so. Not that what we have to do or say might be too assertive for a disease-free person, but that any comment has the chance to affect her present mood harshly. Anyway, thanks again for writing the above.
December 23rd, 2007 at 1:14 am
Hello Jon,
I’ve been reading Heather’s blog regularly for a long time now. As a person with bipolar disorder, I can relate to the things she shares.
I followed her link here tonight, and am glad I did. I wanted to gain some insight into what life with me must be like for my very patient husband and, thanks to you, I think I did. This was beautifully written, compassionate and loving, but honest. I appreciate that, and wanted to say thank-you.
Best wishes always!
December 23rd, 2007 at 7:15 am
You and Heather continue to inspire me. As the one on the meds, I forget what my husband must go through at times. I have been lucky to have a doctor who has gotten my medication right on the second try. I am aware enough of the pain I was in to not mess with my dosage, but there are days when I feel lazy and think that I am fine.
May you, Heather, Leta, and the honorable Chuck have the warmest, happiest, best christmas ever.
December 23rd, 2007 at 9:37 am
Bravo. I hope your family has a lovely Christmas and a fantastic year to follow. I applaud you and Heather for being to open and willing to share in both your struggles and triumphs. It has helped probably more people than anyone could count.
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:17 am
I was deeply moved by your piece and I want to tell you that you and your wife show us that it can be done, even if it’s not perfect, even if there are times when things get really tough, you do not give up. You both are aware of your shortcomings but also of each others’ greatness and how your relationship is worth the trouble.
I think depressed people think they’ll never find someone who’ll say “you’re worth it” or “our relationship is worth it”, but you are living proof that there’s hope and you’ve probably giving hope to more people that you can imagine with this piece. And I’m glad that Heather found you, and you found her. You and Heather are not simply lucky to have each other, you step up and you strive to be the best person you can. And I applaud you both for what you’ve built with your love and work.
Thank you for sharing this, and I wish you a merry, merry Christmas with your gorgeous family.
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 am
Jon,
You have done the impossible which is to begin to restore my faith in men. Although I do not suffer from chronic depression, I have had bouts with anxiety and panic attacks, which without talk therapy and medication would have led to depression and worse… it may return in the future, it may not, but it is brutal and painful and scary.
After going through a terrible divorce with a man who repeatedly told me to “get over it” I realized that I had compromised my authentic self to the point that let me stay in this terrible situation. It became a chicken-egg scenario, was I already so down on myself I let him in my life, or was he such a master manipulator I turned into a doubting mess. He mistreated me so badly, including a coercion so unthinkable, I began to believe that all men had this capability.
Thank you for showing me that there are sensitive, honest, faithful, introspective men out there, however married you may be, I am heartened to know that there is a glimmer of hope that I might one day share my life and my complexities with someone who won’t run away and then blame me.
You guys rock. Merry merry and may 2008 continue to bring you, the lovely Heather and the adorable Leta continued success, health and joy. Smooches to Chuck.
=)
JMH
December 23rd, 2007 at 11:21 am
This is a truly beautiful post. You and Heather are making the the Internet everything it was supposed to be
Re: sleep and the antihistamines…I am a complete basketcase without enough sleep…and I take this too to help with sleep sometimes. I was originally prescribed Atarax to help with with another issue (IC) but it does have the nice side benefit of inducing sleep. As far as I know it actually has anti-anxiety properties, not anti-depression properties (they are opposite sides of the same coin) and if I take it too many nights in a row I find myself getting mildly depressed. (Alcohol magnifies this greatly). I don’t know if other antihistamines are the same.
The main drawback is that it takes a long time to wear off. It’s not a good choice for those nights when you wake up at 3am and can’t get back to sleep. For those occasions I take Sonata, which is a great little sleeping pill that wears off in about 2 or 3 hours. It’s expensive but worth it to me. Also, it doesn’t have any of the scary side effects like the other sleeping pills I tried.
December 23rd, 2007 at 11:35 am
What a great post!! All relationships are work. It doesn’t matter what a couple’s issues might be. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. To live together we need to learn how to deal with those things in ways that work for both.
I have battled depression of the blackest kind but mine was not in and of itself a mentall illness. Mine was the result of multiple personality disorder (now knows as dissociative identity disorder). I have long since done my work and put myself back together so to speak but our relationship still suffers.
Living with a man who refuses to get help or communicate takes its toll. I think our biggest problem is the one you mentioned here.
“One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it.”
Believing that he is doing what is best for me, he finds the need to protect me from everything. I can’t get him to understand that all he is really doing is pushing me away, building a wall between the two of us that gets bigger and taller every day. Eventually that wall is going to have completely distroyed this relationship and he’s going to be left wondered how it happened.
December 23rd, 2007 at 12:10 pm
I just recently discovered Heather’s site and am already a huge fan, but discovering yours just completes that discovery. I am so grateful she has you in her life. I know it is never easy as I have been through similar things like she has, but your support of her is so refreshing and I have enjoyed being able to read this other side of the situation. May God bless you and Heather and continue to keep you both strong for whatever life throws at you.
December 23rd, 2007 at 2:27 pm
At first when I read Pastys comment I was thinking WTF and went looking for information to combat a response.
What I found surprised me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrea_Yates
There were other sites as well that detailed things. Read about the eerily similar mental illness both she and Heather have. How they both were going to commit suicide and were self institutionalized. Now Andrea did have more children, but hello it’s starts with one. What’s wrong with stopping with just one? I mean Leta’s already having some issues,I’m sure stem from Heather and the home life why bring another sad and hurt child into the mix? Then I found this and it made me cry for Leta and what she’s gone through. http://www.mhasp.org/coping/guardians.html
Okay then, might want to reconsider her statement after all.
December 23rd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Hey, “Patsy”…do you realize that being really judgmental can warp your kids, too?
My dad has bipolar disorder, and it was a struggle for our family, but in no way do I regret being born. In fact, I am quite happy to be around, and I trust that Leta will feel that way, too, even if she has the misfortune of inheriting depression, as I did. I also got my dad’s finely-tuned sense of humor, his intelligence, and his fabulous hair. Depression is an illness, and it’s treatable, if you choose to seek help. Also, even if you don’t have depression, your kid could end up with it. Creating a child is a genetic crapshoot. You never know what you’ll end up with. All you can do is hope and pray for the best, and deal with the worst if that’s what happens.
Depression doesn’t equal psychosis. Get a grip, “Patsy.” You’re an example of why more people don’t get treated for mental illness — no one wants to be judged. I hope that you never have to deal with these problems yourself, but if you do, believe me, you will regret having said these things.
John, Heather and Leta — thank you for allowing us into your lives. Your honesty about your struggles is inspiring. And Heather, I went to your rival high school: Germantown! I wasn’t valedictorian, so I’m not as special as you. But I did have equally big hair back in the day. Heeheehee…
Happy holidays, and much love. Leesavee in Maine
December 23rd, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Very well done. Thank you.
December 23rd, 2007 at 8:56 pm
I’ve learned a great deal. Thank you both!
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Amazing post. Thank you, Jon. I’m sending it to my husband.
Oh, and Patsy? It’s people like you who set mental health back 200 years, back to the days when people thought those with mental illness were demonically possessed. From those of us on the salvation prescription: Suck it.
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Much appreciated.
December 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 pm
Right on, Leesavee. Truer words were never said.
December 24th, 2007 at 12:05 am
Thanks for posting this. I immediately had my husband read it and he really identified with it. It helps for him to know he’s not the only husband out there dealing, sometimes struggling and making the best of things.
December 24th, 2007 at 2:23 am
I applaud you!
I’m in a relationship where we both have ups and downs, some that should be medicated, some that doesn’t need it (and we have to alternate between being the strong one/the “weak” one). Some days I feel like maybe I SHOULD get myself on meds, other days I feel fine. I don’t think it’s harder this way, but for me it is very hard being on the line between fine/not fine, being functional, but only barely. Sometimes I wish I was a clear case of “needing medication”, except.. well.. I don’t. If that makes sense. Dude, life is so hard!
Thanks for the intimate post.
December 24th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Shame on you, Patsy. I think it’s time to reevaluate whether or not you’re qualified to be doling out life advice on the internet. If, after pondering the issue, you remain unsure, I suggest rereading your comment. That should clear things up.
Shhhhhh.
December 24th, 2007 at 6:37 am
Thank you Jon.
December 24th, 2007 at 8:22 am
I was secretly hoping you would write this, and you did. Thank you.
December 24th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Thank you for putting on cyberpaper what I’ve been trying to explain to my family for years. I’m sick of people saying “just get over it.” You “get it”! I wish more people “got it”! THANK YOU!
December 24th, 2007 at 10:47 am
1) Jon, you remind me so much of my own husband. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003 (or was it 2004? lol). I was also hospitalised and he has been learning with me since then on how to live a life that’s healthy. He listens. Or he usually tries to. And like you, he has his good days and bad days. Thank you for your honesty and your candor. It reminds me of how lucky I am in my own life, with a wonderful husband and a great son.
Which leads me to:
2) Patsy. Poor Patsy. I had my son many many years before I was diagnosed. I decided, again long before diagnosis, that I only wanted 1 child. People have called me selfish, keeping him an only child, but my true reason then, as now, is that I know my limitations. I know that I have love and patience for 1. 16 years ago I knew that I don’t really have the patience for more. People have told me that sure, you find the love and patience. But we are much happier this way. Ask my son, he will tell you, he’s quite happy the way he is. Now, would I have had a child, knowing my diagnosis ahead of time? Probably. Because life is not a sharp line in the sand where on this side sit the righteous and perfect, where clearly Patsy resides, while on the other sit the damned and imperfect. Life is a kaleidescope that changes daily, and you are given choices daily to navigate your way to the colours that are best in your life. For you. Like many, I also feel that comparing Heather to Andrea Yates is a reprehensible comparison. The functional difference between post partum depression and post partum psychosis is significant. Do you give equally qualified advice on car mechanics as well? If you truly feel your words to bear weight and honesty, Patsy, why did you not put your email available, Or link back to your own webpage, as many have done here (myself included)? Stand behind what you have to say and have the courage of your convictions. I don’t pretend perfection. But at least I am honest about who I am and what I try to say.
Again, Jon, you are a good man, a good father and a good husband. I wish your entire family a wonderful Christmas and a happy and healthy new year.
December 24th, 2007 at 11:37 am
A great comment/treatise which expresses my feelings in my relationship with my wife,only you expressed them much better!