How I Do
December 20th, 2007Several of you have made the request over the years that I share my perspectives on living with someone who has chronic depression. I’ve been reluctant to share for many reasons. The biggest reason I haven’t is that part of living with someone who can spiral downward and inward means that I have to be careful about what I say and do. If the fire is raging, you don’t throw fuel on it or add gunpowder to it. Day to day, I’m probably being overly cautious. During stressful times of the year or during stressful events, those days where I need to be careful are more frequent. It seems like we’ve barely been able to catch our breath until very recently and now it is holiday season. Which, as you are aware, contains no stress at all.
Fixing It by Not Fixing It
As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening.
I’m not certain this is entirely gender-related, as I’m certain it is just as likely that a woman can be a fixer as well. It just keeps coming up for me that I can’t fix it and I need to shut up and listen. Almost two years ago, Leah Crawford interviewed me for her site, Leahpeah and asked me how Heather’s illness had affected my life. I wrote then that people in relationships, particularly the man, often have a strong desire to fix things. What I neglected to say then is that one of the best ways to help somebody is to shut up and listen. This is extraordinarily difficult for me as a talker. I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.
So. Listen.
Stress Management & Meds
In our case, Heather handles stress very differently than most people I know. She is a master internalizer and the whiff of brooding energy she emits outward is usually an indication that there is a much larger inner storm raging. I’ll usually try to get a calm moment when just the two of us can talk and I’ll have to ask her about five or six times if something is wrong or if she needs to talk. Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off. Especially given some of the big things we’ve done in the past two years. Starting a business, selling our house by ourselves, moving, her projects, professional and occupational stress, etc. have all proven to be major stressors. I view my role as to simultaneously get things done and listen when called upon. I don’t regret this role, and I don’t begrudge it. I view every conversation as a chance to learn something new. And a chance for me to tell myself to listen.
As part of intense stress periods, I always have to ask, sometimes repeatedly, about medication levels. The professionals who successfully treated Heather for post-partum depression came up with a drug cocktail that saved Heather’s life. It’s my job to help her stay on those meds and help her assess whether or not they are working like they did in 2004. This will be an ongoing thing for the rest of her life. There are good days around the prescription discussion and not so good days. As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty. The stress on me during these times builds and builds. I have to be careful in how I release that stress. I also have to make time for me. I have had to learn that most of what is bothering Heather has nothing to do with me or our relationship. It has to do with her internalizing stress and how she deals with life when it gets overwhelming. To be sure, there are those times when I’ve done something wrong or I’m not doing enough or I’m caught up in a project and it causes friction. Just like every other relationship.
Our life is such that we must become adept at crisis management. Home ownership, parenthood and business ownership means that things are going to happen, sometimes all at once. I have to be in a good place to have a clear head to deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. This is not easy. I do a lot of self talk (sometimes freaking Heather out) to either practice conversations I need to have or help me work through a situation. I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.
I have to have a good amount of sleep to face the next day. I get this by taking an antihistamine that helps me sleep and dries out my perpetually runny nose. Side effect: used to be prescribed as a mild anti-depressant. Getting enough sleep makes it so much easier to listen and/or take over if Heather can’t function.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m always open to trying medication if I think I need it. Heather has suggested I try a few things in the past, but I’ve so far not had a steady course of anti-depressants. Typically, getting enough sleep, changing my life (sometimes with talk therapy) and managing my stress have helped me through the hardest of times. If I’m being a jerk, no medication is going to fix that. I have to recognize I’m being a jerk and work on it. I think everybody on the planet goes through jerk phases and being aware is the beginning to living a life that is less difficult on those around us.
Openness Leads to Success
I have to be open. Being raised as I was and given my own propensities, this is extremely difficult for me. I have admired Heather’s openness and willingness to share, but there is always that part of me that worries if there will be a cost later. I can’t decide if I was meant to be a risk management assessor, tin foil proponent or character in either an E.M. Forster or M. Somerset Maugham novel.
Talk therapy has been something that has saved me, saved my relationship with Heather and made our lives together stronger. It is hard work and difficult to hear and learn things about oneself, but I believe that every single person on the planet would benefit from talk therapy. Maybe one doesn’t need it all the time, but I view it as something that I can turn to and use to help navigate through life. I don’t think that because I’m living with Heather, I’ll do more therapy because of her illness. I need it for myself and together, we’ll need it for our relationship. It’s not weak or lame to face ones issues. It’s not strong to live in denial. It’s not strong to live in fear of talking about the dynamics of how we process life events or why we react the way we do. I only wish I had sought therapy after my father died and that in my first marriage, I had sought therapy earlier. I’m not sure that my life would be different, but perhaps better. I’m very happy now, and I love where I am, both professionally and personally. Most importantly, for Leta, I love where we are. She needs happy and healthy parents.
As with any chronic illness, any form of treatment needs to be done carefully and with supervision from professionals. I can’t stress enough how lucky we have been to have had doctors willing to try certain combinations of medicines. We’ve taken it into our own hands in the past and sought different doctors when it was clear that Heather was responding to medicine or a particular doctor has a propensity for a certain diagnosis or treatment that wasn’t helping. The saddest part of treating depression is that most doctors want to ramp up the medicine (for good reason) and it’s very difficult to see a response sometimes. I wish there were a better way to deliver a clinical dosage of meds on an outpatient basis. Most of my experience in this area comes from watching Heather start a medicine for a few weeks and have it either make her worse or have no effect. In order to deliver the dosage and right cocktail, Heather had to be in a hospital/facility where she could be monitored. There was no ramping up. And that is exactly what Heather needed.
One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way. This adds a burden to any relationship and ours is no different. One of the hardest things to write, is that Heather’s illness means that sometimes she can’t be there for me in a way that I need her to be. I learned this early on, but I still have a hard time making room in our relationship for the largest side effect on me of her illness. It’s not maliciousness on her part. It’s not ignorance. It’s that the disease is all-consuming. I do stand up for myself and I have to be more verbal than I’ve ever been about stating clearly that I need her or I’m having a rough day. Fortunately, those times are fewer as things have smoothed out career-wise and I’ve learned how to tell her that I’m struggling or I need to talk.
In every relationship there is work to be done. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are people who are likely to be better suited for one another, but there is no magic. While this post might sound like it’s not worth it or that Heather and I are having problems, I should clarify that it’s not like that. If I didn’t care about Heather, or wasn’t willing to do the work that a relationship demands, I’d be worse off in my life. Living with Heather is worth it. I’m in love with her and willing. I feel that she shares this feeling about me and that makes all of this so much easier to live with and deal with. In my past, I’ve shied away from doing the hard work in a relationship and in looking back using talk-therapy and a few great therapists, I’ve been able to see that my own laziness and unwillingness to work has harmed myself and others. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take what I’ve learned from therapy and apply it to the best relationship I’ve ever known.
Get Help
To the people out there who denigrate mental health awareness and treatment, I say this: You aren’t helping. You are making it worse. Stop being an arrogant know-it-all. You aren’t right. You are wrong. If someone tells you they need help, your opinion means less than that of professionals. Stop being ignorant. Stop being obstinate. Stop insisting that your loved one, partner, child or co-worker “get over it”. They won’t get over it until you let it go and encourage them to seek help. There are many different approaches and ways to treat mental diseases and conditions. The first step is letting go. You could probably use some time talking it out yourself. o
Tags: depression, essay, stress, therapy
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December 24th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
“but has a lot to say about how trying, exhausting, disappointing and how Leta is the reason booze was invented. Leta from Heather’s words is not an affectionate child. I’m positive this had to do with being rejected when she was younger and having to witness Heather’s illness win in the attention dept.”
Patsy, Do you even HAVE children? Do you know how many times I shout at my four year old to “JUST GIVE ME ONE GOD DAMNED MOMENT TO PEE WILL YOU OMG!” and lock the door on her.I don’t suffer from a mental illness. I DIDN’T have post partum depression and yet Anyone knows who has children that frustration happens. That the trying times with kids almost ALWAYS out number the wonderful blissful perfect times. And when you have kids when that wonderful blissful perfect time happens you think “I love you and I’m so glad I have you even if you are a couch jumping on, linen closet climbing, juice spilling, penny eater.”
My second child is not “affectionate.” I wanted SO MUCH to co-sleep with her like her older sister and all she’d do is scream. I’d swaddle her and put her in her bed and bam, asleep. She’s always been wary of strangers, wiggly and standoffish when held, independent, willful, demanding, headstrong, and fearless. You have to hold her down to kiss her and outright DEMAND to be hugged and she still says “NO DON’T DO THAT” at two years old. That is her PERSONALITY. I imagine being a mother to her during her teenage years is going to make me wish I had sold her to a circus at this age. I can’t help but nod along and laugh out loud reading Heather’s writing about Leta.
From my own experience everything I can tell about Heather and Jon have a perfectly normal little girl and a perfectly wonderful supportive family. And Jon’s writing here just goes to prove that.
December 24th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Wow…it isn’t Heather who shouldn’t reproduce (not that I necesarily agreed with that to begin with, though I can see the point). But the poster above me…wow….mom of the year. I have 4 and them following me every blessed place is just part of it. It hurts me heart that such cold mothers are out there. AND my husband is a soldier and rarely at home so I have no break at all. Let that sink in…no grandparents either. No. Break. At. All. And some how I manage to be happy and not bite their heads off when they want to follow me. I feel very very sorry for Leta…and the kids who wants to follow mama.
December 24th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Jon,
I have bipolar disorder and my fiance has no idea what it is, nor does he care. Your piece made me realise that it takes 2 to make a relationship. I’m going to show it to him in the hopes of building a better relationship.
I hope all of you have a wonderful christmas
December 24th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I have never understood the stigma of taking medication and/or being in therapy. Perahps coming into adulthood in New York was the greatest blessing of my life, because at pretty much every job I ever had, one if not many colleagues would announce that they’d be a little late back from lunch because they had to go to the shrink. Moving to New York and reading William Styron’s Vanity Fair essay (the one he turned into the book Darkness Visible) saved my life. I’m sure. Good luck to both of you and thank you for your posts. I hope this has the New York effect on someone else. Cheers.
December 25th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Beautifully written, and gives me some insight on what my husband must feel! Thank you!
December 25th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Thank you for your courage and generosity it sharing from your heart. I am touched at the depth of your commitment to being fully engaged and participating in your relationship with Heather.
Your work on your self, trickles down through your daughter and up through the ancestors, mending ancient wounds along the way.
Blessings to you and your family.
December 25th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
This,
“Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off.”
This,
“As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty.”
And this,
“One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way.”
And of course all the comments, it’s good to know there are others going through the same shit.
My wife is tapering off the meds right now. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times we’ve conducted this experiment she feels the need to try again, maybe this time will be different. Who knows maybe it will.
The other day she was looking for the tea strainer, couldn’t find it anywhere. I could see that she was getting agitated about the missing tea strainer. She mentioned a couple times that the tea strainer had been in a cup on the counter and now the cup isn’t there anymore and maybe it got thrown out.
I didn’t think it got thrown out. “I’m sure it didn’t get thrown out.” I said.
She looked me in the eye and said, “It got thrown out, didn’t it?”
And I knew she was either off her meds or “tapering down again.”
I sent her Heather’s column, and I sent her this one. And we’ve talked.
Thanks for writiting this, and putting out there.
December 25th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
I have lived with depression my whole life. I don’t think my husband really realized what he was getting into when he married me. This post helped me see much of what he may be going through. I sent it to him and hope it will help us discuss how my disease affects him and us. Thanks for writing it.
December 25th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Jon, it’s almost eerie that I posted something very similar on my own website except that I’m the one with the mental illness. My husband can relate to your situation so much. Thank you for sharing that. You, Heather, Leta, and Chuck are an amazing and lovely family. Your honesty is what makes you all so amazing and lovely.
December 26th, 2007 at 9:00 am
This is beautiful. I linked to this - hope that’s alright.
December 26th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Jon, I’ll never ever be able to thank you enough for this post. I’ve been a long time fan of Dooce as well as Blurbomat. But your post made me realize that I can’t “fix” my husbands depression anymore. The need to “fix things” isn’t only a male trait. And over the holidays when he had an epsiode. I kept silently referencing your post. For the first time I listened. I really listened. It was so hard and it’s going to take time to do it well. I also got the courage to talk to him about seeking help. He would get so defensive. He’s also a cancer survivor and has this deep DEEP mistrust of doctors. Thank You… For giving me hope. For letting me know that I am not alone. That I can survive too.
December 26th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Thanks very very much for this post. It has given me a starting point for some important discussions at home.
December 26th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Terrific posts from you and Heather both. I’ve enjoyed the read and education you both have provided on this subject.
Keep up the good work!
December 26th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
I totally agree. I had a good friend tell me quit whining and be grateful for what I have. My depression was never, ever about being ungrateful. It’s about being afraid of losing everything I have, including my sanity.
This is why swearing and being ultra blunt helps me. Nothing like telling a friend “STFU you heartless bitch” to help me get over it. She thought I was kidding and being sarcastic. She was wrong.
December 26th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective! I have depression & anxiety and I live with someone who has depression. Talking to someone about their medication is a tricky thing. I can’t tell you how much it helps to hear from you and Heather on these topics. I have learned so much and your post has given me a lot to think about in terms of my partner. It’s also wonderful that this is just one aspect of your lives.
Don’t underestimate the ripple-effect of your candor. I sought treatment and it changed my life, so my mother sought treatment and changed her life, and my partner sought treatment and changed his life. I would have had a much harder time taking that step if not for Heather and those who’ve commented on her posts. And this isn’t just some happy pill for three gloomy gusses who can’t just suck it up. We both have family trees liberally dotted with alcoholics and suicides and that could have been us. Now we get to be who we always wanted to be.
December 26th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Loved reading this post - as well as Heather’s from the other day. As a licensed social worker I LOVE the candor that you both have in speaking of this illness. Love this - “I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.” Recognizing the power of the illness - wow. I think that you two should write a book about living with this. You do a great job - day-by-day - and I’m betting it’s be a best seller ~ J
December 26th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Thank you for a wonderful and informative post. I think that much of what you talk about translates to ANY relationship, not just one that includes mental illness. Thanks again for sharing!
December 27th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Thank you for writing this. I’m bipolar, and my guy just. doesn’t. understand. He thinks it’s just weakness and/or laziness, or hormones, and that I should just buck up.
I’m going to try to get him to read this; I’m sure he’d be able to identify with some of the things Heather’s illness has put you through. Furthermore, you’re a man, so maybe he’ll actually BELIEVE you.
December 27th, 2007 at 8:22 am
Thanks so much for what you have written. I’ve been to the deepest well of depression and everything you’ve said rings of truth. It’s so difficult for family members, friends and loved ones. Looking back I’m astonished that people stuck by me. It’s important to speak up and speak out on the subject of mental health and I do so whenever I can.
Here’s my answer to someone who challenged me to pull myself up by my bootstraps:
“Look, I don’t have bootstraps! Most days I don’t have BOOTS, and some days I don’t have FEET!!!”
December 27th, 2007 at 9:22 am
You two are to be commended. You represent an entirely new but HUGE community of people who have already struggled and/or are facing a struggle which many still “poo poo” on, but are still willing to share.I’m an oldster as far as savvy goes (I’m 42), but I read Heather’s blog all the time and knowing that you two support each other in this way makes me so content. I know it’s not easy. No wonder she’s so funny!!! I’ve always thought that my humor was my saving grace and ability to cope. NO ONE gets that about me, except my BESST FREEEND (say like Towmater) and she doesn’t agree with my defense mechanism. I’m going to copy this to her too.
December 27th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to share with us this very intimate and personal information about yourself and Heather. I’ve never read anything quite like it. You are both beautiful souls. I have shared both Heathers most recent article, and your article, with a very dear friend of mine whose husband suffers from untreated depression (he’s been prescribed medication, but really is in denial about his depression, and therefore only takes it when the pressure from his family is overwhelming… obviously, this is not therapeutic). I don’t think she will find the answers she needs to support her own husband in reading your article (because he needs to accept some responsibility in treatment), but your strategies for coping are amazing. Certainly, a read my friend can benefit from. I suffer from PMDD, which thankfully only affects me 3-4 days a month. It’s easier for me to relate to mental illness because of those 3-4 days when I honestly, feel crazy. It’s been really hard for my husband over the years to really understand this place I go to. That said, I might just as well share this article with him as well!
With every good wish,
Tammy
December 27th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Thank you, Jon.
December 27th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
I admit, I have put off reading this post because I didn’t want to deal with whatever thoughts and/or emotions it was going to conjure up. I had a moment of bravery today and I’m glad I did.
I’m doing a lot of self-talk right now, trying to hold my crap together to write this. This post, this admission, this revealing of something deep and personal is… damn, what is the word? Stellar? Hell, I can’t find a word to do it justice.
I too deal with clinical depression as well as panic disorder, which can and has at times, made my life and my world very small.
I enjoyed several years in “maintaining” mode, then my health went south and it has been a real struggle ever since… in other words… I “get” this.
Heather has been a true inspiration to me, as she has to so many others. And you, Mr. Armstrong will be blessed beyond measure for all that you do and try to understand. The tenderness of your heart, your love of your wife and daughter can be read between each and every line. Unless someone has lived it, or is empathic, it is going to be difficult for them to understand all the emotion behind your words and in your life. I see it. I feel it and I admire the both of you for your tenacity, your deep love for each other, and your respect for not only each other but your “audience”.
Thank you so much, Jon for sharing something so close to your heart. It is not only courageous, but a very loving thing.
Who said there are no more heroes?
Life’s abundance for the both of you!
Lynn
December 27th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Thanks; this is a great way for me to discuss this with my hubby. Good conversation starter and non threatening since it’s coming from YOU, not me. thx
December 27th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Wow. Just wow. I printed it to share with family members who just never get it. When I am having a bad day…I’m planning on handing them your post.
Thank you!