How I Do
December 20th, 2007Several of you have made the request over the years that I share my perspectives on living with someone who has chronic depression. I’ve been reluctant to share for many reasons. The biggest reason I haven’t is that part of living with someone who can spiral downward and inward means that I have to be careful about what I say and do. If the fire is raging, you don’t throw fuel on it or add gunpowder to it. Day to day, I’m probably being overly cautious. During stressful times of the year or during stressful events, those days where I need to be careful are more frequent. It seems like we’ve barely been able to catch our breath until very recently and now it is holiday season. Which, as you are aware, contains no stress at all.
Fixing It by Not Fixing It
As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening.
I’m not certain this is entirely gender-related, as I’m certain it is just as likely that a woman can be a fixer as well. It just keeps coming up for me that I can’t fix it and I need to shut up and listen. Almost two years ago, Leah Crawford interviewed me for her site, Leahpeah and asked me how Heather’s illness had affected my life. I wrote then that people in relationships, particularly the man, often have a strong desire to fix things. What I neglected to say then is that one of the best ways to help somebody is to shut up and listen. This is extraordinarily difficult for me as a talker. I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.
So. Listen.
Stress Management & Meds
In our case, Heather handles stress very differently than most people I know. She is a master internalizer and the whiff of brooding energy she emits outward is usually an indication that there is a much larger inner storm raging. I’ll usually try to get a calm moment when just the two of us can talk and I’ll have to ask her about five or six times if something is wrong or if she needs to talk. Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off. Especially given some of the big things we’ve done in the past two years. Starting a business, selling our house by ourselves, moving, her projects, professional and occupational stress, etc. have all proven to be major stressors. I view my role as to simultaneously get things done and listen when called upon. I don’t regret this role, and I don’t begrudge it. I view every conversation as a chance to learn something new. And a chance for me to tell myself to listen.
As part of intense stress periods, I always have to ask, sometimes repeatedly, about medication levels. The professionals who successfully treated Heather for post-partum depression came up with a drug cocktail that saved Heather’s life. It’s my job to help her stay on those meds and help her assess whether or not they are working like they did in 2004. This will be an ongoing thing for the rest of her life. There are good days around the prescription discussion and not so good days. As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty. The stress on me during these times builds and builds. I have to be careful in how I release that stress. I also have to make time for me. I have had to learn that most of what is bothering Heather has nothing to do with me or our relationship. It has to do with her internalizing stress and how she deals with life when it gets overwhelming. To be sure, there are those times when I’ve done something wrong or I’m not doing enough or I’m caught up in a project and it causes friction. Just like every other relationship.
Our life is such that we must become adept at crisis management. Home ownership, parenthood and business ownership means that things are going to happen, sometimes all at once. I have to be in a good place to have a clear head to deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. This is not easy. I do a lot of self talk (sometimes freaking Heather out) to either practice conversations I need to have or help me work through a situation. I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.
I have to have a good amount of sleep to face the next day. I get this by taking an antihistamine that helps me sleep and dries out my perpetually runny nose. Side effect: used to be prescribed as a mild anti-depressant. Getting enough sleep makes it so much easier to listen and/or take over if Heather can’t function.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m always open to trying medication if I think I need it. Heather has suggested I try a few things in the past, but I’ve so far not had a steady course of anti-depressants. Typically, getting enough sleep, changing my life (sometimes with talk therapy) and managing my stress have helped me through the hardest of times. If I’m being a jerk, no medication is going to fix that. I have to recognize I’m being a jerk and work on it. I think everybody on the planet goes through jerk phases and being aware is the beginning to living a life that is less difficult on those around us.
Openness Leads to Success
I have to be open. Being raised as I was and given my own propensities, this is extremely difficult for me. I have admired Heather’s openness and willingness to share, but there is always that part of me that worries if there will be a cost later. I can’t decide if I was meant to be a risk management assessor, tin foil proponent or character in either an E.M. Forster or M. Somerset Maugham novel.
Talk therapy has been something that has saved me, saved my relationship with Heather and made our lives together stronger. It is hard work and difficult to hear and learn things about oneself, but I believe that every single person on the planet would benefit from talk therapy. Maybe one doesn’t need it all the time, but I view it as something that I can turn to and use to help navigate through life. I don’t think that because I’m living with Heather, I’ll do more therapy because of her illness. I need it for myself and together, we’ll need it for our relationship. It’s not weak or lame to face ones issues. It’s not strong to live in denial. It’s not strong to live in fear of talking about the dynamics of how we process life events or why we react the way we do. I only wish I had sought therapy after my father died and that in my first marriage, I had sought therapy earlier. I’m not sure that my life would be different, but perhaps better. I’m very happy now, and I love where I am, both professionally and personally. Most importantly, for Leta, I love where we are. She needs happy and healthy parents.
As with any chronic illness, any form of treatment needs to be done carefully and with supervision from professionals. I can’t stress enough how lucky we have been to have had doctors willing to try certain combinations of medicines. We’ve taken it into our own hands in the past and sought different doctors when it was clear that Heather was responding to medicine or a particular doctor has a propensity for a certain diagnosis or treatment that wasn’t helping. The saddest part of treating depression is that most doctors want to ramp up the medicine (for good reason) and it’s very difficult to see a response sometimes. I wish there were a better way to deliver a clinical dosage of meds on an outpatient basis. Most of my experience in this area comes from watching Heather start a medicine for a few weeks and have it either make her worse or have no effect. In order to deliver the dosage and right cocktail, Heather had to be in a hospital/facility where she could be monitored. There was no ramping up. And that is exactly what Heather needed.
One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way. This adds a burden to any relationship and ours is no different. One of the hardest things to write, is that Heather’s illness means that sometimes she can’t be there for me in a way that I need her to be. I learned this early on, but I still have a hard time making room in our relationship for the largest side effect on me of her illness. It’s not maliciousness on her part. It’s not ignorance. It’s that the disease is all-consuming. I do stand up for myself and I have to be more verbal than I’ve ever been about stating clearly that I need her or I’m having a rough day. Fortunately, those times are fewer as things have smoothed out career-wise and I’ve learned how to tell her that I’m struggling or I need to talk.
In every relationship there is work to be done. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are people who are likely to be better suited for one another, but there is no magic. While this post might sound like it’s not worth it or that Heather and I are having problems, I should clarify that it’s not like that. If I didn’t care about Heather, or wasn’t willing to do the work that a relationship demands, I’d be worse off in my life. Living with Heather is worth it. I’m in love with her and willing. I feel that she shares this feeling about me and that makes all of this so much easier to live with and deal with. In my past, I’ve shied away from doing the hard work in a relationship and in looking back using talk-therapy and a few great therapists, I’ve been able to see that my own laziness and unwillingness to work has harmed myself and others. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take what I’ve learned from therapy and apply it to the best relationship I’ve ever known.
Get Help
To the people out there who denigrate mental health awareness and treatment, I say this: You aren’t helping. You are making it worse. Stop being an arrogant know-it-all. You aren’t right. You are wrong. If someone tells you they need help, your opinion means less than that of professionals. Stop being ignorant. Stop being obstinate. Stop insisting that your loved one, partner, child or co-worker “get over it”. They won’t get over it until you let it go and encourage them to seek help. There are many different approaches and ways to treat mental diseases and conditions. The first step is letting go. You could probably use some time talking it out yourself. o
Tags: depression, essay, stress, therapy
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December 20th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
You are a good man.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Wow–You are a such a gift to your wife! A lot of people would bail when up against something like this in a relationship, but it’s obvious that you’ve gone to extremes to understand both Heather’s illness, and your response to it is powerful and courageous. I once lived with someone who was severely depressed but the relationship did not survive because I was the only one trying to keep things together–that person let the illness consume him and was the sole basis for his identity. During that time, I read a book called When Someone You Love Is Depressed, which was very helpful, and also received some counseling. It sounds like you have great insight into the illness and your relationship, but others may benefit from the aforementioned book. Anyway, great post, you are all so lucky to have each other…it’s awesome to see how you’ve turned the trials you’ve gone through into strength! Bravo.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
The world would be a better place if there were more people like you in it. I commend your honesty, and willingness to give a voice to all those who watch loved ones battle mental illness.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Heather is lucky to have you - as you are to have her.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Wow, that was excellent. I have struggled with anxiety, OCD, and recently, a nervous breakdown after having my meds carelessly changed by a VERY careless physician, and to hear the point of view of a spouse is so refreshing and opens up a whole other vantage point. You are so right that most people know NOTHING when it comes to this topic and too many people are dismissive of mental illness - afraid of it - they don’t want to utter the words “mentally ill” or “psychiatrist”. If you are mentally ill, it means you are defective, somehow. This notion is stunning to me, and I want people to realize this - Mental illness is an illness like any other. It can be treated and the darkness that you may be living in can be lifted if you just take the steps necessary to help yourself and/or your loved one. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What got me through my ordeal was being as open and candid as possible, and not trying to hide from it or act like everything was okay.
Thank you for posting this - getting the word out about depression, anxiety, or any mental illness is so important - because so many people suffer from this or have a loved one who does. It is a daily learning process and it is hard work. But having someone like you as a spouse makes all the difference. I am lucky that my husband is just as understanding - even if he doesn’t totally understand, he TRIES to. Thank you for sharing, Jon.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
today was a bad day - no particular reason but I was torn between crawling under my desk to cry or punching someone out for breathing too loud. Maybe my meds aren’t working as well as they once did or maybe something is bothering me and it’s just easier to blame it on the illness. Maybe I just don’t know. I directed it at him and he talked me through it as he always does…understanding and positive. The guilt I feel for dumping it on him, for depending on him to make it better, for having the problem in the first place. He doesn’t deserve it and neither do you Jon - but thanks for taking us on anyway…
December 20th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Reading this post made me really happy. As someone who has gained a huge admiration and respect for Heather, I understand that it must be challenging at times for you to deal with the business, being a father and a husband, and also having to go through the darker times with Heather.
I admire your sincerity and I’m very sure that this post will make a lot of good to many people in a situation similar to your and Heather’s.
Thanks for this insightful post.
-Omar
December 20th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
As someone who battled clinical depression for two decades I couldn’t agree more. Getting over it never works but good doctors and great therapists do and there’s no reason NOT to live a life of joy instead of one where one perseveres to make it through another day.
I’ve managed to live in joy for almost three years now and they have been, without a doubt, the best three years of my 47-year life. And all I had to do was admit defeat and walk through the fire, coming out whole on the other side.
Thanks for reminding folks that mental health is just as important as the physical kind. Without it, life is simply not worth living for most.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I’ve tried about half a dozen times to compose a comment here, but it keeps coming out all wrong. Let me just say that my mother in bipolar, and refuses to be medicated. It’s an impossible situation.
Heather is lucky to have you. You’re lucky to have each other.
thank you for this.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
If Heather weren’t married to you, I’d marry you. Except I already have a really great boyfriend. I sent him this.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I have to let you both know how much I appreciate the fact that you’re open about depression and the dealing with it. It helps combat the “depression isn’t really an illness” mentality that’s out there. Thank you.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
OK, here’s likely an unexpected side-effect from your post…
What do you think I should do if reading your post is like reading something that I’d write, but we haven’t tried to find out if something is wrong? I just thought it’s something I’d have to live with…
December 20th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I’m in college and my roommate (one of my best friends) suffers from depression that her very few therapists haven’t yet seen fit to treat with medication, so I see her raw emotions swing between giggle fits to hopeless, suicidal sadness in the space of an hour. It scares me; I’m a restrained person in general and my emotions usually aren’t very strong, so I don’t know how to deal with hers. This helps. Thank you.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
the world needs more bloggers like you, and posts like this. happy holidays.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
My interactions with my “crazy” friends and significant others really brought a new perspective to mental illness. One where I knew there were going to be days where nothing I did or said was going to change their mood, change their perception of the world. That didn’t mean I didn’t try, or do my best to at the very least get them to smile, but I knew I wasn’t personally responsable for their happiness.
Boy was that a tough lesson, and not because I was trying to FIX the problem (see jon, you were right, there are women fixers), but because in my first long term relationship, my significant other placed a lot of blame and responsability upon me to/for keep(ing) him from falling appart. His issues and needs not being met with the medication or the help of his doctor/therapist/family, were according to him, my responsability, and I dissagreed with that.
My sanity was most important to me, and it meant leaving that relationship to keep it. Leaving a couple three relationships as it happened, because they refused, ignored, or denied the need for professional help. More to the point, my emotions and needs were secondary to theirs, and I could not accept that I was not worth all of the attention I paid them. My issues were deemed petty or insignificant in relation to their issues, unless it happened to be something in relation to them that I was caring for insufficiently.
I lost my shit after the last significant long term relationship, and no amount of therapy, drugs, or professional advice was going to fix that one. I just had to ride the crazy out, and fortunately I had a good support system in place when I was ready to face myself again. I don’t recommend my particalar coping technique for… well, Anyone. It worked for me, once, and Im pretty sure it would never work for me again, nor should it.
I made a rule for serious future relationship candidates: Compatibly Crazy. I realize in this day and age it is absolutely rediculous to believe that there is anyone out there who claims to be truly sane (if there is, I’m sorry if I offended you but you’re lying). The best I can hope therefore is that I can find someone who’s crazy fits my crazy. And if they’re able to admit to their particular brand and flavor of crazy, the better prepared I am to handle it. Better i said, not prfectly capable of doing so
There is no manual that can accurately tell you what will happen on any given day when, for whatever reason, things go bad. If there were, well, then jon your post might never have needed to be written. Thank you for saying it so well.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Awesome.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
sincere post - thanks for sharing it.
Please consider an Al-Anon meeting. the program saved my life as it gives us tools to find serenity in any storm. most won’t try it if their loved one isn’t an alcohlic. but it is a misunderstanding as we are loved ones of people with chronic illness. yes it began for the families and friends of alcohlics but in Alanon we keep the focus on ourselves and not on the alcohlic. because we need the support and the tools that helps us deal with chronic illness. it is hard to love some one who suffers from chronic depression. my alcohlic husband has been clean & sober and in AA for over 7 years now. He drank to self medicate his depression. Today he takes anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds instead of drinking. but without the 12 step program of Al-Anon his chronic depression was my illness too. I guess to best explain I should say that when you sit in the meetings it doesn’t matter if the person beside you is there because their qualifier is a drug addict or a sex addict or using any kind of substance addictively. Because in Al-Anon we focus on what is needed to love our sick family member - no matter what their illness. We are there for our recovery process.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
If I didn’t seek out talk therapy and Lexapro this year I may not have been celebrating this NY Eve. It’s been a hell of a ride, but finally I see a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel.
Having good people like you and Heather talking openly about the horrors of depression, and how misunderstood it still is, has and will help so many. You’re both such exceptional human beings. I wish you both continued strength.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
You, Heather, and Leah are my heroes.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
if only more people thought like you…
I’m lucky - not depressed, neither is my wife, but both of us have been going to talk therapy since our mid 20s (helps when our families are abusive and/or quite, quite mad). Without it, I don’t know what my life would be like. Not pretty or dead is my best guess.
Thanks Jon - that was very open and honest. And just a bit tough to write and post I’d imagine (although you yanks do have the ability to open up in a way that frankly scares the bejeezus out of most australians).
Happy holidays.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
I think this is the best post you’ve ever written. Thank you for opening up like this.
Jules
December 20th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Thank you Jon, for sharing this.
My husband and I are going through a similar struggle, and this post has made so many things clearer for me as regards his experience. I will show this to him as well.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
I’ve been reading Heather’s website for years now and can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been able to sympathize with the way she feels or the things that life throws at her. This post was amazing and true in every sense. The number one problem in my marriage is the fact that my husband does not understand my depression, and it makes it worse that he’s a Marine.. they are taught that you can ‘get over’ anything, and he holds that against me. Maybe I can print this out and one day I might have the balls to show it to my husband. Thank you.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been reading both of your websites for years now and I have always enjoyed them both. But what you’ve written today makes me feel better about my own marriage. And that’s a gift I wasn’t expecting. I often get depressed and my husband has said many times that he doesn’t want to share his burdens with me because he thinks I’ll freak out. Just knowing that I’m not the only one in a relationship like that is comforting. I do try to listen to him as well but it is really hard not to internalize his disappointments in life, especially when I’ve done something to add to it. So much of my frustration comes from wanting to be perfect, but we aren’t perfect are we? We just try to do the best we can and that’s all anyone can do. I’m happy that you two have found each other and are willing to do the best for each other. What a great gift you are to each other.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Thanks for writing this, John. My husband and one of my step-children both deal with depression and ADD/ADHD issues. The medication thing is a constant struggle in our household, as any deviation from a standard schedule leads to missed meds, and depression spirals. And when you’ve got two people in the house doing it - good god. Throw PMS in and you have a good ol’ time.
I admit I’m not as good at handling it sometimes - at not saying things when I know one of them is only acting a certain way due to the depression…it’s hard to be “the bigger person”.
I’m sure maybe it doesn’t feel like it every day - but the two of you are really a great example of how to love.