How I Do
December 20th, 2007Several of you have made the request over the years that I share my perspectives on living with someone who has chronic depression. I’ve been reluctant to share for many reasons. The biggest reason I haven’t is that part of living with someone who can spiral downward and inward means that I have to be careful about what I say and do. If the fire is raging, you don’t throw fuel on it or add gunpowder to it. Day to day, I’m probably being overly cautious. During stressful times of the year or during stressful events, those days where I need to be careful are more frequent. It seems like we’ve barely been able to catch our breath until very recently and now it is holiday season. Which, as you are aware, contains no stress at all.
Fixing It by Not Fixing It
As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening.
I’m not certain this is entirely gender-related, as I’m certain it is just as likely that a woman can be a fixer as well. It just keeps coming up for me that I can’t fix it and I need to shut up and listen. Almost two years ago, Leah Crawford interviewed me for her site, Leahpeah and asked me how Heather’s illness had affected my life. I wrote then that people in relationships, particularly the man, often have a strong desire to fix things. What I neglected to say then is that one of the best ways to help somebody is to shut up and listen. This is extraordinarily difficult for me as a talker. I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.
So. Listen.
Stress Management & Meds
In our case, Heather handles stress very differently than most people I know. She is a master internalizer and the whiff of brooding energy she emits outward is usually an indication that there is a much larger inner storm raging. I’ll usually try to get a calm moment when just the two of us can talk and I’ll have to ask her about five or six times if something is wrong or if she needs to talk. Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off. Especially given some of the big things we’ve done in the past two years. Starting a business, selling our house by ourselves, moving, her projects, professional and occupational stress, etc. have all proven to be major stressors. I view my role as to simultaneously get things done and listen when called upon. I don’t regret this role, and I don’t begrudge it. I view every conversation as a chance to learn something new. And a chance for me to tell myself to listen.
As part of intense stress periods, I always have to ask, sometimes repeatedly, about medication levels. The professionals who successfully treated Heather for post-partum depression came up with a drug cocktail that saved Heather’s life. It’s my job to help her stay on those meds and help her assess whether or not they are working like they did in 2004. This will be an ongoing thing for the rest of her life. There are good days around the prescription discussion and not so good days. As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty. The stress on me during these times builds and builds. I have to be careful in how I release that stress. I also have to make time for me. I have had to learn that most of what is bothering Heather has nothing to do with me or our relationship. It has to do with her internalizing stress and how she deals with life when it gets overwhelming. To be sure, there are those times when I’ve done something wrong or I’m not doing enough or I’m caught up in a project and it causes friction. Just like every other relationship.
Our life is such that we must become adept at crisis management. Home ownership, parenthood and business ownership means that things are going to happen, sometimes all at once. I have to be in a good place to have a clear head to deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. This is not easy. I do a lot of self talk (sometimes freaking Heather out) to either practice conversations I need to have or help me work through a situation. I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.
I have to have a good amount of sleep to face the next day. I get this by taking an antihistamine that helps me sleep and dries out my perpetually runny nose. Side effect: used to be prescribed as a mild anti-depressant. Getting enough sleep makes it so much easier to listen and/or take over if Heather can’t function.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m always open to trying medication if I think I need it. Heather has suggested I try a few things in the past, but I’ve so far not had a steady course of anti-depressants. Typically, getting enough sleep, changing my life (sometimes with talk therapy) and managing my stress have helped me through the hardest of times. If I’m being a jerk, no medication is going to fix that. I have to recognize I’m being a jerk and work on it. I think everybody on the planet goes through jerk phases and being aware is the beginning to living a life that is less difficult on those around us.
Openness Leads to Success
I have to be open. Being raised as I was and given my own propensities, this is extremely difficult for me. I have admired Heather’s openness and willingness to share, but there is always that part of me that worries if there will be a cost later. I can’t decide if I was meant to be a risk management assessor, tin foil proponent or character in either an E.M. Forster or M. Somerset Maugham novel.
Talk therapy has been something that has saved me, saved my relationship with Heather and made our lives together stronger. It is hard work and difficult to hear and learn things about oneself, but I believe that every single person on the planet would benefit from talk therapy. Maybe one doesn’t need it all the time, but I view it as something that I can turn to and use to help navigate through life. I don’t think that because I’m living with Heather, I’ll do more therapy because of her illness. I need it for myself and together, we’ll need it for our relationship. It’s not weak or lame to face ones issues. It’s not strong to live in denial. It’s not strong to live in fear of talking about the dynamics of how we process life events or why we react the way we do. I only wish I had sought therapy after my father died and that in my first marriage, I had sought therapy earlier. I’m not sure that my life would be different, but perhaps better. I’m very happy now, and I love where I am, both professionally and personally. Most importantly, for Leta, I love where we are. She needs happy and healthy parents.
As with any chronic illness, any form of treatment needs to be done carefully and with supervision from professionals. I can’t stress enough how lucky we have been to have had doctors willing to try certain combinations of medicines. We’ve taken it into our own hands in the past and sought different doctors when it was clear that Heather was responding to medicine or a particular doctor has a propensity for a certain diagnosis or treatment that wasn’t helping. The saddest part of treating depression is that most doctors want to ramp up the medicine (for good reason) and it’s very difficult to see a response sometimes. I wish there were a better way to deliver a clinical dosage of meds on an outpatient basis. Most of my experience in this area comes from watching Heather start a medicine for a few weeks and have it either make her worse or have no effect. In order to deliver the dosage and right cocktail, Heather had to be in a hospital/facility where she could be monitored. There was no ramping up. And that is exactly what Heather needed.
One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way. This adds a burden to any relationship and ours is no different. One of the hardest things to write, is that Heather’s illness means that sometimes she can’t be there for me in a way that I need her to be. I learned this early on, but I still have a hard time making room in our relationship for the largest side effect on me of her illness. It’s not maliciousness on her part. It’s not ignorance. It’s that the disease is all-consuming. I do stand up for myself and I have to be more verbal than I’ve ever been about stating clearly that I need her or I’m having a rough day. Fortunately, those times are fewer as things have smoothed out career-wise and I’ve learned how to tell her that I’m struggling or I need to talk.
In every relationship there is work to be done. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are people who are likely to be better suited for one another, but there is no magic. While this post might sound like it’s not worth it or that Heather and I are having problems, I should clarify that it’s not like that. If I didn’t care about Heather, or wasn’t willing to do the work that a relationship demands, I’d be worse off in my life. Living with Heather is worth it. I’m in love with her and willing. I feel that she shares this feeling about me and that makes all of this so much easier to live with and deal with. In my past, I’ve shied away from doing the hard work in a relationship and in looking back using talk-therapy and a few great therapists, I’ve been able to see that my own laziness and unwillingness to work has harmed myself and others. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take what I’ve learned from therapy and apply it to the best relationship I’ve ever known.
Get Help
To the people out there who denigrate mental health awareness and treatment, I say this: You aren’t helping. You are making it worse. Stop being an arrogant know-it-all. You aren’t right. You are wrong. If someone tells you they need help, your opinion means less than that of professionals. Stop being ignorant. Stop being obstinate. Stop insisting that your loved one, partner, child or co-worker “get over it”. They won’t get over it until you let it go and encourage them to seek help. There are many different approaches and ways to treat mental diseases and conditions. The first step is letting go. You could probably use some time talking it out yourself. o
Tags: depression, essay, stress, therapy
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December 20th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
this meant a lot to me as i was reading. thank you for sharing something so personal and for your candor.
i’m glad you and heather have each other.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
I’ve always admired Heather’s ability to be brutally honest on her blog, and I can now say the same for you. Thanks for being so real about the struggle you face as a couple every day. As someone who’s been in therapy for years and who has also been in a relationship with a man who suffered from severe depression, I’ve experienced both sides and I empathize with you and Heather. You’re both inspirations.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Thank you. You’re wonderful.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
The Internet should be thankful you two found each other. Many good things have uttered forth from the blurbodoocery, and this is one of the best. Nice work.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:55 pm
thank you so much! I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and am still trying to figure out what medications do and do not work! You commented on finding a doctor who will listen to what you have and had not tried and I finally have found a doctor to listen! I have a new found apprecitation for my mom and dad (i still live at home) and for all they do for me!
December 21st, 2007 at 12:26 am
I love that both you and Heather have written about this subject. I struggled for years with my own anxiety and panic disorder and my husband with his depression and ADHD. We have only been able to admit it to ourselves and each other and start to come to terms with it in the past few months. I have blogged about my issues several times on my blog ( http://www.bunnieblog.com ). Somehow it helps to write about it and get it out there and it has helped the people that love me deal with me better.
Talk therapy and correct meds are essential!
You are both helping countless people!
Thanks!
December 21st, 2007 at 1:04 am
Thank you for such an open and honest look at what you go through. That gives me a different perspective for sure. I’ve always wondered what my husband goes through, watching me deal with my anxiety and depression. But he’s not able to express himself in the way that he wants. This helps me to see the other side of it.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:08 am
So I read this and I wonder just how horrible life can be for Leta at times. I also read this and think WHY, WHY would you have another child? Rusty Yates comes to mind. He knew Andrea had manic depression, knew that she couldn’t handle things at times and yet he made more children with her. What happened to her and her children? Is Heather Andrea Yates, this I don’t know. I don’t know what it takes to break that straw and honestly I hope you don’t have to find out.
It’s one thing Jon to be with Heather alone, two adults. It’s another to willingly have another child and bring them into a mentally unstable environment knowing how Heather handles raising children.
I’m sure they’re are happy moments in your house and the Leta loves mommy. It’s all she knows. It has not failed to go unnoticed that Heather never says a bad thing about you on her blog, but has a lot to say about how trying, exhausting, disappointing and how Leta is the reason booze was invented. Leta from Heather’s words is not an affectionate child. I’m positive this had to do with being rejected when she was younger and having to witness Heather’s illness win in the attention dept.
You call yourself a father, would a father willingly subject his child to a mother who is not fully operational mentally–knowingly? So Heather has the baby craves because of Maggie…get a hamster.
Oh you’ll get pissed about this comment and brush me off, but will you actually take to heart that my words are valid? I have little faith that you will.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:39 am
Your post is enormously moving. I feel that my life was saved by talk-therapy and I finally found a man who had his life saved the same way. Do we all–all of us reading Jon’s posts and Heather’s excellent blog–realize that we are transforming our society for the better? It’s under the skin, but it’s real. Your post here Jon makes it clear how just how real. Thank you so much.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:46 am
Wow, thank you so much for such a candid post.
The best part was that I just got through a long conversation with my husband about how we each cope with things and how he needs to share with me when he is upset. Reading this just hammered it home, and I think I’ll ask him to read this as well.
It’s great that you frame it in the context that yours is not an unusual marriage, that these concepts apply to any marriage, and that everyone would be better off doing them. I think you’re so right. I also think you and Heather are so lucky to have such a wonderful relationship, and that Leta is so lucky to have such open and accepting parents that are willing to put the work into their relationships. Sincere congratulations to you on how far you’ve all come.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:55 am
I’m typing this through tears, Jon, so please excuse any typos…
I’m a “Heather,” and I have to say that ANYONE who not only lives with, but is able to so eloquently express what living with such a one means, is my hero.
Thank you SO MUCH.
P.S. My (all-but estranged) dad called me recently, telling me about his wife’s granddaughter who was hospitalized for severe depression (I’m the family expert on crazy, apparently); I e-mailed him the link to Heather’s most recent post, and he actually took a hint for a change and printed it out… and took it to her.
According to my dad, she read it, wept, and clutched it to her chest… and now makes sure no one removes it from her bedside table.
Do not underestimate the wonderful influence you and your lovely girl have. You should be proud.
December 21st, 2007 at 2:04 am
John you sound like an amazing man and partner. I hope years from now you will feel it was worth it and not look back on these years as a time you could have been with a woman who was there for you and could have been your life partner (as opposed to 2nd child and forgive me if it isn’t like that, it sounds like you play the roll of parent). I consider myself VERY devoted to my husband of 10 years but if he suddenly had issues of this nature I would likely scream at him to suck it up…shortly after I ran for the hills. I think you’re awesome and both Heather and Leta are very lucky!!
December 21st, 2007 at 3:04 am
Thank you. I too am a fix it person, and know that I need to listen and shut up but find that so incredibly hard. Reading your post has affirmed my instinct and will help me to use each situation to as you say, practice listening.
Thank you again!
December 21st, 2007 at 3:23 am
I think most men are “fix it” people. We get encouraged to do that from an early age when our fathers let us pick up a hammer or something and from them on we equate fixing with mending.
Listening is a key skill and not listening is probably the one thing that lost me my first marriage.
We have one mouth and two ears for a very good reason. Use your ears twice as much as you do your mouth.
December 21st, 2007 at 3:56 am
Can I ask what outlets you have for those times you need to let it all out and not be so careful or reserved? Does exercise help? My impression from Heather’s blog and yours is that you both have a lot of fun together, that you both have a great sense of humour. I’m guessing this helps a lot too.
December 21st, 2007 at 4:04 am
P.S. This is directed at “Patsy”. I’m not sure why you read either Heather or John, but every mother and father feels exasperation at times with their children and if you are unable to accept that fact and you can’t see the quirky humour in Heather and the intense unconditional love she has for her daughter you should just stop reading. Obviously you haven’t got two brain cells to rub together (another necessary component for those considering having children). Wow, the gall!
December 21st, 2007 at 4:09 am
Outstanding post.
December 21st, 2007 at 4:18 am
Thanks, Jon. This entry has meant a lot to many of us, especially men, who are in similar relationships.
December 21st, 2007 at 4:23 am
Amazing post, Jon, and I really want to encourage you to submit it to some magazines because I think there are many people who could benefit from your experience and perspective. Well said.
You and Heather are very lucky to have each other, that is very clear. And Leta is lucky to have you both.
December 21st, 2007 at 4:56 am
Thank you for sharing these very important words. My husband still struggles to respond appropriately to my depression and depression treatment, and your insight will be extremely helpful for us. I also have a better understanding a spouse’s point of view, as well, which will hopefully help me remember to support him too. Thanks again!
December 21st, 2007 at 6:04 am
Thank you so much for this. This is good and thought-provoking and important.
December 21st, 2007 at 6:15 am
(I’m “Molly Meow” to differentiate myself from the previous Molly, who I’m not)
OK, so I walked away from the computer and took a shower and thought, and I still feel the need to respond to Patsy, whether or not she ever reads it:
Well, of COURSE the reason Leta isn’t more affectionate is entirely due to Heather’s depression. Because it just doesn’t happen that kids develop their own personalities or happen to be wired a little funny. It MUST somehow be the mother’s fault. Just like autism and And it certainly never happens that parents with mental illnesses can successfully raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. Why, just think, if Leta grows up seeing her mother managing a mental illness, she might begin to believe that mental illnesses should lose their societal stigma, and we just can’t have that!
(removes tongue from cheek, hastens to assure everyone else that the preceding paragraph was sarcasm)
Patsy, I’m wondering how much experience you have in child development (whether parenting, teaching, or education) and how much of that has been with atypical children (not that I’m calling Leta atypical, but Heather’s written about how concerned they’ve been about her development in the past and how they’ve had her tested). I’m also wondering how you manage to not see with how much love Heather writes about Leta.
I’m also wondering if you’re seriously saying that people with chronic mental illness have no right to raise children and, if so, if you’d extend that to people with chronic physical illness.
The NIMH website says this: “An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people. Even though mental disorders are widespread in the population, the main burden of illness is concentrated in a much smaller proportion — about 6 percent, or 1 in 17 — who suffer from a serious mental illness.”
That’s a lot of people who shouldn’t have children, if I read your comment correctly.
I have ADHD and depression. My spouse has PTSD. Please feel free to contact me at spearmintkitten at yahoo dot com and tell me why we shouldn’t have children. Please.
(P.S. The Andrea Yates comment was way below the belt…there’s a huge difference between depression and psychosis, which I suggest you educate yourself on before spouting any more opinions on mental illness to a forum full of people who live with such illnesses every day.)
December 21st, 2007 at 7:08 am
I think I’m going to get my husband to read this. I wonder what it is like for him sometimes. I think it is different than it is for you but perhaps there are things here he could relate to. Maybe that is a good thing to know: That this problem is different for everyone. Everyone must find their own path through it and their own strategies for coping. You and Heather handle it beautifully because you do it with love. I also have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Leta is leading a wonderful life with two incredibly self aware, thoughtful parents who adore her and each other. Would that every kid could be so lucky.
Every day I look at my husband and I know how loved I am. I hate to say it but the fact I’m such a mess leaves little doubt as to the strength of the bond between us. It sounds like you and Heather have forged that unbreakable tie as well.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:17 am
Jon, thank you! I’ve never known what it’s like on the other side and your post has helped a lot. I suffer from PTSD and it’s not pretty at times. I just hope some day I can find a man willing to love me enough to understand my illness and to work thru the hard times.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:58 am
An amazing piece Jon, written from the heart and with great clarity - I hope it will help others, I really do. I’m printing it out for my mother, who teaches children with depression and other mental health problems, and my sister who suffers from depression and has struggled this year.
You are a good man, and it’s always a pleasure to read about your life and family - keep up the good work in 2008, and have a lovely, happy Christmas.
Thank you xx