Status Update — Mid-Year 2008
June 9th, 2008
The last time I wrote anything of length, it was to announce that I was going on Prozac. Several of you have written to ask how that was going, along with questions of how well our training of Coco is going.
Like most people who take SSRIs or other anti-depressants who aren’t chronically depressed, I’ve wondered if now that I’m feeling better (the meds made a huge difference as the winter dragged on and on and on) maybe I can taper down and eventually stop. This is always tied to the inevitable: what if I always need to be on this medication? Not that being on meds would be bad, just don’t know if I need to try to get off them eventually or just take them and shut up. Since I’m not diagnosed as being chronically depressed, I just don’t know. I’ll consult my doctor at my next visit.
The meds worked great for me. I had an adjustment period where I was very tired and slept harder than I’ve ever slept before. That seems to have worn off. I can’t decide if the sleeping was my body’s reaction to a gray winter or to the meds or a combination. I do know that with spring, I have a renewed energy I haven’t felt in a long time. Which is nice.
Coco.
She appears to have finally gotten the memo about where to relieve herself. We had her spayed and some people feel that helps with training. I can’t be certain. We just needed time. She did take far longer than Chuck to get the notion that we don’t pee and poop wherever we feel like it, unless we’re outside and in an approved bladder relief zone. She enjoys the occasional coprophagic moment from time to time and upon our return from vacation we’ll try some other tactics. The best advice so far: Pineapple.
She is starting to listen to training and be able to sit still for treats. During the many visits to our home involving camera crews, we seem to have hit a place where Coco can pose for pictures. She still can’t hold a candle to Chuck, who is the most incredible dog ever when it comes to holding a pose for the camera. If we don’t work with him in the morning, he gets all mopey. But sit him down in a dress with treats coming on a regular basis and he will be entirely focused. We weren’t sure Coco would ever figure this out, but we’ve turned up the training and the treats and a few days ago, she sat still for about 15 minutes while we worked on shots for a crew. She really did an amazing job. I think we are still some time away from balancing stuff on her head, but wearing ridiculous clothes? Hell yes.
She’s much more dog-like than Chuck and she can be a snuggle bear when she wants some lovin’. Chuck would rather crash in another room, but he comes up to get us when he feels it’s time for us to go to bed.
Coco stays with us all the time. She might visit Chuck in the basement, but if we call her, she comes running and loves to be around us.
She’s started putting herself to bed, giving us some looks and then getting in her crate when she’s done for the day. It’s really incredible to watch. Chuck only did that a few times during his 18 month stay in the crate. I think Coco may be more permanent with the crate than Chuck was.
Waking up now is a treat. We’ll let Coco out, but she is more excited just to be up than having an actual waste elimination need. We’ll leave her out to do her business and when she comes back in, whoever is in our bed gets a cranked up puppy jumping in bed and nose diving into their neck with a quick series of licks and sniffs and some mild talking from Coco about how glad she is we are still alive. It’s really a joy to wake up to this after the months of 3am journeys in the back yard while dressed in full winter gear waiting for Coco to find the EXACT spot she need to take care of business.
Coco’s relationship with Leta is getting better as well. Coco knows that if Leta is screaming, that is not a good time to play. But if Leta doesn’t want to go to bed, that is the perfect time to start licking Leta and trying to play. Leta LOVES this, but it doesn’t happen every day. It appears to be happening more regularly, so there is hope on that front. There is still screaming from Leta about Coco looking at her toys or books or screaming about just looks in general at anything Leta doesn’t approve.
Personal goals.
A couple of years ago, when I left my day job, I wanted to start selling prints. I delayed for a few reasons, most of them sound, in retrospect. We needed to get our business sorted out and figure out how to work from home. Once the budget allowed, we got a better camera and I began to amass a body of work that I’d be comfortable selling. I got a machine that would handle image processing better than my laptop. Printing and paper finally became more affordable (and our business able to absorb start up and shipping costs) And finally, Etsy came into being and allowed an easier way to sell stuff. I needed all this to be in place so I could start selling my work in a way that meant I have time to focus on the work and not the admin stuff.
I can’t thank those of you who have purchased my work enough. That people are willing to plonk down their money is hugely gratifying. It’s less about the money than it is about feeling like people are connecting to your work. I’ll keep adding photos you want to purchase if you’ll just let me know: photos [at] blurbomat [dot] com.
I’m trying not to let stresses and my temper get the best of me. We’ve traveled a lot this year and will continue to do so. Airports are not good for stress.
I feel like my role in our business has expanded and that Heather and I have worked out a pretty good way to work together. Sure, we still disagree and argue, but I can’t imagine doing it any other way and I can’t imagine even trying this with anybody else.
Leta.
The fours are better than the threes. By a huge margin. Leta’s personality is astounding and beautiful. To watch her develop this year has been remarkable. This is what people talk about when they talk positively about having children. Sure, she’s grumpy sometimes. She’s a super picky eater. But she’s funny as hell and full of personality. When she’s excited about something, I’ve never seen a child more into that something than her. I’m starting to make up all kinds of stories at bedtime and she’s starting to respond and make up her own stories. I relish the sweet time we have together to share like this.
Leta is starting to read. It’s very slow going, and I don’t want to push too hard. As a parent, you always have to push. The secret at this stage, for me, is to determine when and how much. I have varying degrees of success with this. Leta, if you are reading this, I tried. I will always try.
Heather.
I have watched Heather bloom as a professional. This is something I’ve always known about her, but has been wonderful to see come out. In the most unusual and difficult and public circumstances, I continue to learn about grace and in particular, grace under pressure. Heather is inspiring. Even to me.
I am the luckiest man alive.
Final Observations.
One of the things that has struck me ever since I left for England 20 plus years ago is that I have never seemed to do well with normal, even while craving it at times. This past year has been anything but normal, which I love. But it hasn’t been easy to figure out some things.
Working from home is a dream come true. But there is still work to be done. I’ve learned more about business in the past two years than I have in my entire life. If you think balancing your checkbook is grueling, try doing payroll (even for one person) and balancing multiple accounts while paying taxes and making sure a website that is your bread and butter stays up and functional. It’s not that any one of these things is particularly difficult. It’s that combined, they take up large portions of time. I’ve had to work harder than ever to be a better time manager. Given this past winter, that has meant making some tough purchases (while I love the snowthrower, that was tough for me to accept that a purchase like that would make my life so much better) and letting go of some of my uptightedness.
The immediate future doesn’t look to be any more normal. In fact, it looks a lot more chaotic and frenetic. But I’m in a much better place, with some time during the day to do a few things I love and that adds some tangible value to our house.
I think most of this is something that anybody who stays home has dealt with, but traditionally, it has been from a feminine perspective. As more dads stay home, I would expect that some of the issues I’ve dealt with about personal worth, worth to the family and to any other endeavors would come up. They haven’t come up for me in the ways that might appear on a late 1980s television dramedy, but I could see them start to arise. Once we had the funds to let me get some tools, I can’t tell you the difference it has made for me. Sitting on top of a sweet machine, editing a photo and then sharing that work, even encouraging people to spend money on that work, has made an enormous difference in my life and I’ve only been selling prints for less than a month. I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like in another six months or six years. I just know that what I’ve been through this year has allowed me to see more clearly the fragility of life and the need to seize it and run.
I know. Super schmoopy. I’m in Florida now and loving the humidity, the heat and the warm ocean water. Time for sunscreen and splashing. o
Tags: coco, depression, photography, prozac, prozac nation
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June 9th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Such clarity, such a good life you all share. You’ve got your energy back–it shows! You are good at what you do. period. Looking forward to adding more prints to my wall. Now go slather on the sunblock and enjoy the vacation!
June 9th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I can totally relate to the paragraph that starts “Working from home is a dream come true. But there is still work to be done.” I’m not self-employed — I work for a large company, in fact — but I do work at home, and I’m responsible for all the income taxes, the FSA submissions, the nanny payroll/taxes, etc. in addition to my “real” job. I can’t imagine a more perfect arrangement, and yet sometimes I feel like I’m going under.
Thanks for the update. It’s exciting to hear about your photo sales, not to mention Coco’s progress and Leta’s status. As a parent of a three year-old, I’m hoping the 4s are better for us too.
June 9th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
You don’t often write these long essays, but when you do, it’s fabulous reading. Not only are they well-written, they’re heartfelt. And all these good feelings you’re having? Well-deserved, well-deserved.
June 9th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
i’ve spent the last 6 months trying to wean myself off paxil after 8 years of continuous use. it hasn’t been easy (i’m only down to a third of my original dose), but i’m interested in finding out if i still need it and if so, starting something different…
wait until leta starts kindergarten. the change is amazing…
enjoy destin! it’s my favorite.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
> I am the luckiest man alive.
SO sweet. You two seem like great people and anytime I see your photo together it makes me smile. Congrats on both of your success.
June 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I’ve been RSSing you and haven’t checked your comments in a while, so the fact that tokenblogger’s name is upside down just blew my not-geeky-enough mind.
On topic: AWESOME post! Thanks for being an inspiration.
I don’t know what part of Destin you’re in, but when I went I used to walk down to the jetty every evening at sunset and watch the dolphins. Life-changing, no lie.
Off topic: I don’t know how to respond to mobile tweets- or if I can, for that matter- but I was going to suggest going to the beach AND getting Apple updates from macworld via twitter . . . not that it matters now.
June 9th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Jon, I have been reading Heather’s website for many years now and she is, as you well know, amazing. I have appreciated her candor and sharing with subjects that have hit home with me and so many others. Then I started reading your website about a year ago, and now I know how she could be so very open and honest about all that she spoke of, because she had some wonderful support in her life.
In a round-a-bout way I am trying to say, which I am also sure you know, that she wouldn’t have been able to achieve even half of what she has without having you behind her… and I am sure now she will stand behind you and let you fly with your awesome photography gig you got going… way to go.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Amazing update - you, Heather, Leta, Chuck and Coco are awesome! I am so glad you are happy! Life is good….especially in Florida at the beach!
June 9th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Totally - most awesome post. I’ve always been a huge fan of the photography talents that you and Heather have. I’ve often thought that you both should publish a coffee table book of your works. I would definitely buy every edition printed by both of you.
BTW, I have to share a funny story… my workplace recently instituted a Blue Box internet content filter which obviously filters out “bad sites”. Get this - your site is filtered but dooce is not. How funny is that?!?! BUT, thank God dooce isn’t filtered out - I would have to die!
June 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
thanks a lot for this post…
it’s very inspiring to see posts written from the heart.
as someone who enjoys heather’s blog greatly, i must say that your blog is as exciting to read in a different way. i greatly appreciate your sincerity in your posts and how easy is to identify with many things you say. so thanks a lot.
-omar
June 9th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
btw… i LOVE coco’s picture. she looks very intense and in charge of… everything. i’m glad she’s behaving better.
June 9th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Thanks for sharing, Jon. I’m the same way with my meds, my depression was situational and things have gotten better at work and I’m adjusting better to Utah…but I wonder what will happen if I quit taking them. Need to talk to my dr. as well.
Nice to hear that someone else seems to function better in chaos. Except for I think, perhaps, we’re old enough now we need a little less of it.
June 9th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
From a complete outsider’s perspective, you all are truly real and amazing. You speak of your wife like a Waterford Vase, your daughter like the best roller coaster of your life and your dogs, well, crazy, naughty dogs.
Here’s to beautiful beaches to top off all the beauty you have experienced.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Jon Armstrong, you are a night in shining armor. I was brought to tears when you wrote “I am the luckiest man alive.” You are an amazing man. You give me hope that there are more amazing people in this world, and right now I need that hope. Thank you, Jon. And best wishes to you and your beautiful, amazing, phenomenal family.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Nice post, Jon.
Your comment “I have never seemed to do well with normal, even while craving it at times” really struck a chord. I think I spend so much time looking ahead to next week, when things will be “normal,” that I don’t allow myself to enjoy the present moment. I also think I would be bored out of my mind if things were “normal” for more than a day or two. I get something from all the crazy things I do that disrupt my daily and weekly routines.
Keep on keepin’ on, as someone once said.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:19 am
Jon:
It was good to meet you Thursday. Thanks for taking the photo. You and H. showed a lot of grace with the gentleman in line before me who was so moved.
I’m enjoying the book.
Thanks for your post.
Life is good.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:23 am
That’s funny. I was thinkiing ‘hey I wonder what Jon is up to’ and then I come here and you gave me a whole update of just about everything.
Love this. Life’s intense. What a mundane thing to say. I know this is goin going to be some kind of beer commercial slogan if it isn’t already. I don’t know why it is heartening to read, from my crazy intense place, about your life. It just is.
Karl: Everyone doesn’t get what they deserve. Not by a long shot. But yeah, it’s nice when someone does and Jon does deserve good things.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:01 am
What a beautiful reflection. Thank you for giving us another window to your creative world!
June 10th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Great update Jon .. honest and to the heart.
I like the way you ended it, in total appreciate for the now moments and to cherish them all. I hope you have a super enjoyable time in Florida making memories with your family!
June 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am
This is such important and helpful information, so thank you. A note to everyone who is going through this: It no doubt took a ton of thought and courage to take the meds in the first place, so going off them should be no different. So ask around, read about it and just do what feels right. Everyone consults their family and friends and gets mixed reviews so don’t let that sway you. The likelihood of having another depressive episode increases without meds but for some, no meds fuel drive and motivation…for others, it’s like a light has been turned off. Only you know your body and your mind so gather up the courage to try whatever feels right, you can always go back. Good luck.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:43 am
It’s going to be so nice for you to dig this out 20 years from now and read it…you’ll be like, yeah - that’s exactly where I was and what I was feeling. Such a cool record for yourself, and gift to your family.
You all are a sweet family and your success gives a lot of us hope, I think, for the future successes of our own families.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:14 am
While your writing is altogether different than Heather’s, it is no less relatable and poignant.
Exactly what I was thinking.
I really enjoyed this post, and I’m glad to hear your positive outlook on pretty much every aspect of your life.
And hey, what’s normal anyway, right?
June 17th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I moved from New York to Florida in 2002 and it was the best thing I have ever done. I used to get so depressed from the gloomy winters and the constant rain. Ugh!
Florida weather is like prozac. Sunny and warm all the time. Can’t beat it. Since you both work from home, you can live and work anywhere. Why stay in Utah?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am going to check out your pictures on Etsy. Can’t wait.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:12 am
All good to hear! Thanks for the update, and congrats.
P.S. I have been on a combo of meds for my sleep disorder that includes a SSRI for about 2 years. It’s been really good for me too.