Things have changed between Heather and
I me. This is true. They needed to change. I recognize that. I’ve felt that we were headed in the wrong direction, but I have allowed other issues to block me pushing for the changes. I’m not sure that I have the words to explain the devastation, pain, regret and sorrow I’ve felt the past couple of months. I’ve tried. After a very painful holiday season, this is where my life is: away from my kids; away from my wife; away from my dogs.
I can’t stand not waking up with my kids and making fruit smoothies where every piece of fruit gets inspected and a bite taken by Marlo. I miss making jokes with Leta at the breakfast table. Heather and I are on speaking terms. It could be a lot worse. I recognize that. It doesn’t make the pain of saying goodbye everyday any less severe. While my family have been hugely supportive, they aren’t my children. I don’t think I’d be able to write this or even be public at all without the support of my mom and my siblings.
This is a chance for me to work on some stuff. That’s how I’m approaching this. I’m also approaching this as a time for therapy, for recovery and for stopping the codependency. As I’ve written before, living with someone with depression & anxiety means some gymnastics for any partner. Lest you think this is solely about that lone issue or issues stemming from Heather’s mental health, I am plenty to blame for this state of things. There is a very large part of me that wants to dive right in to the self-pity pit. I don’t think doing that publicly is productive right now. Instead, I’m going to ask a couple of huge, massive favors:
1) As a part of this, Heather has asked me to find work outside of Armstrong Media. I agree with this all the way. I’ve been feeling that it was time to work on something else and put my energies in to other projects. In some ways, being apart makes it easier for me to look for work very publicly. It’s been a long time since I’ve done pure design work. I think I’m more suited for creative concepting (especially in the online marketing space), business development, project/product management, project consultation, community management or any combination of the above so long as they involve working online. I’m confident that I can make a big difference for an organization, brand or company. All I need is to be working with smart passionate people, flexible hours and the ability to work from anywhere. A cubicle is my death. I’ll take it if it’s all I can find, but I’d prefer to work from home and fly anywhere for meetings/face to face time.
2) I’m also looking for a month-to-month rental situation in Salt Lake City. Preferably furnished. I’ve done some preliminary looking and it’s pretty grim. So long as there is an internet connection and I don’t need to spend my time fending off rodents, bugs or addicts, I can pretty much stay anywhere. I’ve been trying to find apartments that rent to professionals who are working temporarily in town and need a skeez-free place to live. I have a feeling I’m not looking in the right places. I have not found much. I’d like to keep it in the Salt Lake valley just for convenience. The dogs are staying with Heather and the kids.
Thank you for your support, now and in the past. Thank you for any help you might give me and my family.