It’s been a little too Maudlinville Town Crier around here lately. It’s time to talk about something besides that which cannot be written or how shitty the GOP is or how evil this administration has been.
The biggest change in my life has been the birth of Leta. The changes are physiological as well as emotional.
I wear contact lenses. It’s as if someone has taken my existing prescription and swapped out my lenses with something entirely new. When I look at things, it is with a different set of eyes. But that’s just one part of it. Along with this new focus comes a deeper definition of what love is, what it means to love (both Heather and Leta) and what I’m capable of feeling. To hold Leta while Heather bathes her is priceless. Words fail to describe the beauty and joy of such moments.
There was a time in my life when I thought I wouldn’t have children. The reasons were many, and made a great deal of sense to me then. I’m glad that I didn’t have children. But I’m so glad that we have Leta now. Yes, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When she cries and I’m watching her so Heather can sleep, there are those moments when the beauty fades and it’s like holding the most raw, unstable element (probably Lawrencium) without any protection from the long half-life of the isotope. It’s scary. The emotions of love and wonder have their opposites. Fury and rancor. I haven’t yet yelled at Leta, but I’ve come close. It’s a miracle that Heather can still love this baby after all the screaming she’s done while I’m at work (I hear it on the phone when Heather calls. Pretty much during every call).
Even with the darkest moments, the new vision forces me to see more clearly and I’m much slower to anger and have fewer moments of irrationality. Well, ok, I’m _always_ irrational. Just not as short-fused as I was a couple of years ago.
Things have been very hard lately outside of the Leta realm, and watching Heather suffer from the radioactive screaming hasn’t helped. However, tonight I sang as I got Leta ready for her bath, and she smiled so big her gums showed. There have only been a few moments in my life where a look has caused such a massive change of heart — one happened in Los Angeles, across the table at DuPar’s at 3rd and Fairfax, but that’s another story for another day — and by God did I need a change of heart tonight.
Thank you, Leta, frog princess.