Office Space

Recessional times demand a certain action. Like most of my ilk, I’m shoring up on the client-side of things, hiding out and holding out.

This means taking a job at a company who actually needs what I do. It also means that I’m no longer older than the CEO. It means filling out purchase requisitions and meeting with the company interior designer to pick furniture, none of which is close to anything Herman Miller has ever produced. It means that when said furniture arrives, I have to make 14 phone calls to various people, being careful not to step on toes, to have large men come remove the temporary furniture. Furniture which was sufficient and far more retro than the new, approved furniture.

And then there’s the whole Ergonomic Pretense. Actually spelling the word Ergonomic and printing it somewhere doesn’t mean something is, in fact, ergonomic. Mixing and matching actual ergonomic devices with non-ergonomic furniture is disastrous. A list is in order:

  • Office chair ripped straight from 1982 Ford Econoline passenger side, including slate blue toxic fabric.
  • Said chair has multiple levers and adjustments, none of which accommodate a person 75.25 inches tall.
  • “L” shaped desk that doesn’t accommodate the “ergonomic” keyboard tray.
  • “Ergonomic” keyboard tray, with dual articulated mouse platforms blocks drawers on one side, won’t allow for actual mouse use on other side. Actual mouse use may vary, depending on if one actually needs to use the mouse. If one does need to actually use the mouse, no actual mouse use will be allowed, due to shaky nature of mouse platform. No design work of any kind is tolerated by said mouse platform.
  • Mouse platforms are so far away from actual keyboard area, that using them increases likelihood of repetitive stress injury.
  • Walnut brown Junior Executive desk is made of particle board and weighs 14 tons. Appears to have been designed and manufactured prior to the era of computers.
  • Fully adjustable keyboard tray does not accommodate Microsoft Natural Keyboard Pro. To put it in any kind of comfortable position requires sitting in painful, monklike position. Despite designers intent to be able to push keyboard under the desk, clearance height and mouse platforms block functionality on both sides.

I’m ready to start designing office furniture. Anybody know a good venture capitalist?