Steel Sky

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Thanks so much for all the kind comments, email and general support. I have a long way to go, but I feel hopeful for the future. I may be delusional.

I want to share a couple of misconceptions that people may have regarding the separation.

First: I see the girls just about every day. I help Leta with her piano practice and get in some Marlo time, usually around the craft table, making stuff. The girls and I had a sleepover at my moms house last weekend. Spectacularly fun. The notion that I’m somehow abandoning the kids couldn’t be further from the truth.

Second: This separation is not a result of me “stepping out”.

Third: Heather’s mental state is hers alone. I can’t speak to it. All I can do is ask, watch and determine the best for the kids. I do this every day. Edited to add: I think that in my efforts to clarify the state of things, I may have not said this the right way. You should know that Heather is a great mother, we are on speaking terms and we are looking out for the needs of our children. Heather has created a safe place for the kids and they are not at risk under her care.

Fourth: You have all been amazing. I have a ton of email to get through and respond to. If it takes some time for me to respond to you, please know that I will respond, even if it is a line or two.

Fifth: Thanks for the work and living recommendations. Stellar! I have a lot of phone calls to make and places to see.

Sixth: I’ve got a video review of Snapseed for the Mac coming up in a couple of hours or so.

Seventh: I’m writing a lot privately, but when it’s appropriate, I’ll share. One of my goals for 2012 was a couple of longer posts (500-1500 words) a month for blurbomat.com. I’m feeling pretty good about hitting that goal. I swear. Just not with this post.

Yes, I’m Currently in a Trial Separation

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Things have changed between Heather and I me. This is true. They needed to change. I recognize that. I’ve felt that we were headed in the wrong direction, but I have allowed other issues to block me pushing for the changes. I’m not sure that I have the words to explain the devastation, pain, regret and sorrow I’ve felt the past couple of months. I’ve tried. After a very painful holiday season, this is where my life is: away from my kids; away from my wife; away from my dogs.

I can’t stand not waking up with my kids and making fruit smoothies where every piece of fruit gets inspected and a bite taken by Marlo. I miss making jokes with Leta at the breakfast table. Heather and I are on speaking terms. It could be a lot worse. I recognize that. It doesn’t make the pain of saying goodbye everyday any less severe. While my family have been hugely supportive, they aren’t my children. I don’t think I’d be able to write this or even be public at all without the support of my mom and my siblings.

This is a chance for me to work on some stuff. That’s how I’m approaching this. I’m also approaching this as a time for therapy, for recovery and for stopping the codependency. As I’ve written before, living with someone with depression & anxiety means some gymnastics for any partner. Lest you think this is solely about that lone issue or issues stemming from Heather’s mental health, I am plenty to blame for this state of things. There is a very large part of me that wants to dive right in to the self-pity pit. I don’t think doing that publicly is productive right now. Instead, I’m going to ask a couple of huge, massive favors:

1) As a part of this, Heather has asked me to find work outside of Armstrong Media. I agree with this all the way. I’ve been feeling that it was time to work on something else and put my energies in to other projects. In some ways, being apart makes it easier for me to look for work very publicly. It’s been a long time since I’ve done pure design work. I think I’m more suited for creative concepting (especially in the online marketing space), business development, project/product management, project consultation, community management or any combination of the above so long as they involve working online. I’m confident that I can make a big difference for an organization, brand or company. All I need is to be working with smart passionate people, flexible hours and the ability to work from anywhere. A cubicle is my death. I’ll take it if it’s all I can find, but I’d prefer to work from home and fly anywhere for meetings/face to face time.

2) I’m also looking for a month-to-month rental situation in Salt Lake City. Preferably furnished. I’ve done some preliminary looking and it’s pretty grim. So long as there is an internet connection and I don’t need to spend my time fending off rodents, bugs or addicts, I can pretty much stay anywhere. I’ve been trying to find apartments that rent to professionals who are working temporarily in town and need a skeez-free place to live. I have a feeling I’m not looking in the right places. I have not found much. I’d like to keep it in the Salt Lake valley just for convenience. The dogs are staying with Heather and the kids.

Thank you for your support, now and in the past. Thank you for any help you might give me and my family.

Barren Trees

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Taken with the 5D and pulled into Lightroom, then into Snapseed and back to Lightroom for final color tweaks. As shot, this was almost monochrome. Both Lightroom and Snapseed have black and white conversion filters/capabilities. It was the re-toning that lead me to this. I love the tilt-shift in Snapseed. Love it.

Windows & Clouds

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Totally cracked out on Snapseed for the Mac. This is another image from my phone that I pulled in and spent time dinking around with it until I landed here. One of the aspects of Snapseed that I forgot to mention last week was the some almost Lightroom level editing capabilities that are surprisingly useful and very well implemented. Under the Tune Image tab, there is the ability to add control points and from there control Brightness, Contrast and Saturation in a very nice interface. The cool part comes in how Snapseed chooses what to use as its control point. You set the point and move it around until you land on the approximate color/area you want to alter. Then you can click a sizer disk and adjust the radius of the control point. It does a great job of automatically masking and applying the Brightness, Contrast and Saturation adjustments to just the areas that are within the control point color and radius of the control point. Very slick. Might need to show this on a video…

Mark Wahlberg Gets Up at 5:30?

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I love this from Mark Wahlberg about what happens to a father when you have daughters:

On protecting his daughters, the “Contraband” actor explained, “A man who has a daughter becomes a real man because now everything changes. If somebody says, ‘Oh my god, look at her!’ I’m like, ‘What’s wrong with you? That’s someone’s daughter!’ I have a lot of friends who have boys, and they just don’t get it in a way that they should.”

via Mark Wahlberg on His Next Movie, Fatherhood and Healthy Living | Extra.

I also love that a teen idol has worked hard and has expanded his career to be more business savyy. I think it’s called “diversifying revenue streams” or “kicking ass”.

I don’t normally watch a lot of the Today Show, but I caught a smidge of this segment with Wahlberg where he talks about being a father. He’s supposed to be doing press for his latest movie, but the gems of the interview are about being a dad:

Usually my youngest son wakes me up about 5:30, (and) drags me out of the bed,” the father of four said of his typical day-off routine. “He wears a pull-up, but he doesn’t like to pee in it. So I got to help him get the pull-up off to go to the bathroom.

The money quote is this one:

If I succeed as a businessman but fail as a father, then it’s all been for nothing,” Wahlberg said. “That’s by far the most important role that I’ll ever play in my life — being a parent and being a husband.”

Here’s the video: