Pitchforked

From my boy Sam.

David Cross on Pitchforkmedia.com’s overwrought reviews. On Pitchforkmedia.com. Somebody is finally telling it like it is; Pitchfork reviews are the critical equivalent of a 38 minute bassoon solo—jacking off.

  • http://www.patatomic.com patatomic

    Hi Sam!

    “ButterFat 100 return to their psychobilly/emo core roots”

    “I’d go so far as to label such enveloping richness of instrumentation ‘baroque,’ perhaps even ‘rococo.'”

    “It’s as if Genghis Kahn got together for breakfast with Oliver Wendell Holmes and Virginia Wolfe and ordered just a bowl of homemade granola and then skipped out on the check.”

    “2005’s Tickle Me Elmo was supposed to be a chicken-legged Sri Lankan with so much sex in her self-spun neons you might as well get wasted off penicillin with Willie Nelson at a secret Rex the Dog show.”

    “it’s subtle and rich tapestry woven, (most likely by candlelight) and suffused with an undercurrent of malaise and ennui, the titular track bends, breaks, and ultimately regenerates into a malevolent whirlstrom of angst and twee.”

    “You can only shine a turd so many times before it gleans as bright as a six-year-old girl’s ass cheek on Christmas morning.”

    Brilliant!

  • http://www.rebeccacampbell.net rebecca

    I wish he would have reviewed Jesulbubís ìFirst Born Hell Raiser.î Their unique blend of Metal, Gospel, and Goth is a godsend to lovers of digital watches, eyeliner, and man bits immortalized in spandex. Talk about an underrepresented demographic.

  • Miss Mea-Mea

    It is funny, but in a typically spiteful David Cross way. I doubt he would have come up with the same article had Pitchfork’s overwrought reviews of his CD been glowing instead of critical. I like his humor and he’s an intelligent guy, but he’s also the kind of poisonous dweeb that tries to make your life hell if you don’t agree with his wit.

    I’m still sort of quietly smoldering over his shitty statements about Howard Dean after Dean objected to various comedians’ bits during his fundraiser. It’s great that Hollywood is all into politics now, but whoever thought that swearing, comparing Condoleeza Rice to Michael Jackson, and a few “nigger” jokes tossed in were actually going to HELP the cause, are just out of their minds. Not that that was ALL David – but that he takes such offense that his “right to free speech” or some nonsense was criticized, seems to be really diva-esque behavior.

    Completely off topic, I know – but that little event took alot of the sparkle off of David Cross’ humor for me. Yeah, I was really rooting for Dean, can you tell? :(

  • J.

    My good friend was roomates with one of the guys who started Pitchfork, who used to write those insanely long, over the top stories that only ended up being record reviews in the last paragraph. The funny thing about the pitchfork people I’ve met is that if you ever challenge their opinion on music in person, they immediately back down. They only have the courage of their convictions when they’re semi-anonymous on the internet.

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