Take a Deep Breath

Today will no doubt be a difficult one. I wasn’t sure if Heather was going to go public with what we’ll be doing, but I feel that I should share a bit as well, to at least discuss things from my perspective.

Heather has been brave and courageous and strong. I’ve never known a stronger person. After trying this last round of medication, and feeling no different, Heather is going to the hospital. I’ll take her up today and be with her as long as I’m allowed. Leta will be watched by family, so she’ll be in good hands.

I’m terrified of the unknown, but deep down, feel that this will be the best thing for Heather. She needs a break, and no amount of my cajoling or arranging spa trips could budge her from Leta. This way, she will hopefully get to relax and the professionals will be able to treat her in a more controlled environment. Even with the fears of the unknown, there is a comfort in knowing that Heather will be getting help in the best way.

I think it’s important to note that going to the hospital was totally Heather’s call. I’ve been so worried that she was going to have a serious breakdown. I’ve been home a couple of days this week to help with Leta and usually Heather improves, however, this week she hasn’t. I’m pretty sure there is a chemical reason for this, as well as the stress in knowing that Leta will keep needing diapers changed, feedings and playtime regardless of which medicines will be taken.

A break is definitely in order and long overdue. My only regret is that I didn’t insist on a break sooner. We are stubborn people, and it’s difficult to persuade a stubborn woman to be away from her child, even if that child is sleeping and I’m home with her. I’m trying not to be too harsh with myself. I can’t help but think if only I’d been more insistent on Heather having more breaks, would we be where we are?

I know it’s useless to ask such questions, but when faced with circumstances one has never dealt with, it’s a coping mechanism and perhaps even a form of survivor’s guilt. No matter, I can’t make Heather sleep better. I can’t take the anxiety away, no matter how much I wish I could. I can only be patient and supportive. It’s no time to be insecure, but damn, it’s hard to fight the paradox of emotion; insecurities and trying to be strong for Heather.

I’m going to close comments on the site, as I don’t know when I’ll have the time to check in.

I can’t tell you what the positive comments, emails and kindness have meant to us. Thank you so much. Thank you.