The New Face of This Dad

Last fall, I took part in Movember as part of a team of dad bloggers/personal publishers. Philips-Norelco ponied up razors and trimmers for the Movember shave off as well as donated a bunch of money for prostate cancer research.

For Father’s Day, 2012, Norelco asked some of us (UPDATE–here’s the list: Whit Honea, Jim Higley, Clay Nichols and The Didactic Pirate) to film a video of ourselves answering some questions about what it means to be a father today, proud moments of parenting and what we hope to teach our children. I didn’t get emotional during the shooting, but I did keep circling back to how important it is for my daughters to know how much they are loved and wanted. I tried to keep it from getting too platitudinous, but it’s hard when in parenting mode to not go there. I wrote about the changes I experienced becoming a father in 2006 which this paragraph sums up nicely:

“This all may sound extreme, but I’m convinced that I’ve been given the opportunity to be a big part of my child’s life. Most men only dream of such a gift. It’s going to be just fine if my [golf] handicap stays where it is or if I never pick up a golf club again. Teaching Leta a new song or what sounds letters make is far more rewarding than smacking a maddeningly small ball around for a few hours.”

* * *

During 2012, my life has been in major transition. I’ve wanted to keep my personal emotional roller coaster ride away from the girls as much as possible (neither of them read blurbomat.com) and just be there for them; help them know that regardless of where their dad is living, there is always a place for them and that I love it so much when they stay with me. I didn’t go into that at all in the video, but I think it’s something that more fathers are doing for their kids; being more emotionally attuned to all of their children’s needs (emotional, intellectual, etc.) and communicating their love more directly with their children.

In my video, I did address the thing that is the biggest difference in my generation of fathers compared to what was expected of my father’s generation of dads: more men are doing more of the day-to-day work for their children; changing diapers, cooking, feeding, bathing. And this is happening regardless of marital status and regardless of their career. One issue I didn’t bring up that bears discussion is the more men are starting to talk about our changing role as fathers and doing so in a more public way. However, not enough men are engaging publicly.

In 2006, I did an interview with Jason Avant, publisher of the fantastic Dadcentric, where I answered his question about why more fathers don’t express themselves online compared to mothers. Here’s what I said then:

“Men aren’t big on self-expression? Most men don’t stay at home with their kids? Men are archetypically lame communicators? If it’s not one of those three, I’m guessing that it might have to do with how women multi-task. Women are about 6000% more efficient with their time around kids than men are. Without fail, every women I’ve seen with kids and a task list will complete the tasks well before the men do.”

Before the pitchforks and torches come out, those last two sentences need an explanation. I was trying to be funny. More seriously, more women have made the time to write and share online. Back in 2006, a lot of men weren’t making the time, or if they were, they weren’t as vocal about it and it didn’t capture the media attention the way women did. Regarding time management, that interview was six years ago. I’ve improved my efficiencies dramatically. You’re going to have to take my word.

The men I met at Dad 2.0 in March helped me see that modern fathers who share their experience online do have a vibrant community of diverse voices and experiences. So when I got tapped to contribute to a video about fatherhood, I jumped at the chance. The final version should be out later this week and I’ll be sure and link to it once it’s live.

Note: Thanks to Philips-Norelco for sponsoring this post. We’ll be gathering on Twitter using the tag #newfaceofdad, Thursday, June 14, 8-9 pm EDT. I hope you’ll join us.

http://kristanhoffman.com/ Kristan

Looking forward to seeing the vid. I think we’re definitely witnessing a “fatherhood revolution,” and it’s great to see that discussed and explored. As you said, public engagement is what’s going to keep fueling the fire. And instead of talking about gender norms or sexism (in either direction), I feel like the biggest strides and best improvements are going to come out of focusing on how our decisions impact our children.
americanrecluse

Ahh I’m really looking forward to this video.

About the whole “dads doing more of the day-to-day” thing:

One of my co-workers and his wife just had a baby. Yesterday he posted to Facebook a photo of his wife crashed out on the couch, baby snoozing on top of her. Today she posted a photo – Dad asleep on the couch, still half-holding a burp cloth (another on his shoulder, of course), and baby asleep on his chest. Even more better-er was that another guy commented on the second photo all “duuuude! You’re gonna be such a zombie for, like, months!” and it was clear that these guys aren’t “helping” their wives. They are parenting – embracing all that comes with it – and that is lovely. (Of course, they are fortunate in that they are both university professors, since the US doesn’t think all that much about time off for baby-tending).
- http://www.ryanwaddell.com Ryan Waddell
  
  This, EXACTLY this. I actually just commented in a previous post, how much it enrages me when people make comments about dads being secondary parents to their kids – “helping” the wife when they do diapers or take paternity leave. When in reality, I actually do more of the parenting in day to day stuff (well, when my wife isn’t on mat leave). I do the morning wakeup and daycare dropoff, the daycare pickup and dinner prep. I generally do bath time. Not because my wife is neglectful or anything, simply because our work situations worked out such that I’m a 10 minute drive from home, and she has an hour long commute on the train. And I don’t do these things grudgingly, I do them because I love my kids and I love that this is the role that my wife and I carved out for me. God *help* the first person who says “Oh, are you babysitting for mommy today?” when I’m off on paternity leave with our daughter. They will be VERY lucky if I manage to restrain myself to a polite “No, I’m PARENTING, just like every other parent does”
  - americanrecluse
    
    I think plenty of folks do think of it as helping, an idea that kind of enrages me (although I have no children myself, so it’s just random misplaced empathetic rage). But I just love seeing the reverse in action – in Jon’s parenting posts, in your comment here, in my co-worker’s photo.
    
    The idea of a family as the place where everyone does everything they can to make things good for everyone else (the way that you do pick up and dinner prep because your commute is shorter) is just lovely, and so much stronger and kinder and just better than the idea of “women’s work” and “men’s work” regardless of considerations such as commute, etc.
http://staynalive.com/ Jesse Stay

Love this – you’re a good Dad Jon.
- http://blurbomat.com/ blurb
  
  Thanks!
http://twitter.com/BeckyCochrane BeckyCochrane

I remember blogging about that 2006 post of yours. I just read it again the other day–it still gets to me.
http://twitter.com/Sadandbeautiful Sarah R. Bloom

I love hearing you talk about being a dad. That you are a good dad is obvious–you put your girls’ needs first, period. This morning your post is giving me an ache as unfortunately my daughter’s father is one messed up individual and right now we are recognizing the full effects of how he’s damaged her over the years. And I should have protected her from that.
hilaryfranklin

Jon, just a technical comment here. At 1024px wide, the browser cuts off the ads, links, and the disqus community thread on the right side of the page, and there’s no horizontal scroll bar. The only way to see all of it is to widen the browser. I can do that since I have a large monitor here at work, but most people who have laptops or netbooks won’t be able to do that…
- http://blurbomat.com/ blurb
  
  Thanks for this note. I’ve been waiting for someone to bring it up.
  
  Most of my traffic from computers have much wider screen resolutions than 1024. For mobile devices (phones and tablets) those devices should render the site using browser level zooming and CSS. I’m working on mobile versions of the site.
http://www.facebook.com/lesley.aryee Lesley Stets-Aryee

Love this too. 2 days after my first daughter was born my husband lost his job. We went from a family of 3 (we have a son also) 2 income household, to a family of 4 with one income. My husband looked for work for 2 years and couldn’t find anything. We sat down, (because we had baby number 3 on the way), and agreed that because my job is “secure” he would stay home with the kids until they are in school. Initially he had a hard time with it and felt like he wasn’t supporting his family and that when he took the kids to the park, the mothers were looking at him as a failure because he was “watching the kids”. It struck me, because he isn’t “watching the kids” he is parenting, bonding, and educating his children.
I told him that the mothers might be thinking WOW i wish my husband came to the park with kids for hours, like that man. My husband was there when my daughters said their first words and took their first steps. he sits down every morning with our son before school and teaches him how to read and write sentences and solve math problems. But most of all we are partners and teaching our children their are no gender roles. Daddy’s and Mommy’s share the work on all levels, and I hope that when they are older and if they decide to be married they will do the same.
http://www.facebook.com/beth.george2 Beth Rich George

I have often thought about how women of my generation (I’m 50) were some of the first girls to experience the expanded opportunities for women. I never really had any expectations placed on me to conform to a traditional female role. So it is truly exciting for me to see how men are also becoming liberated. I’m looking forward to seeing how men and women of Leta’s generation will define parental roles. I’m not a photographer, so all the techie talk isn’t why I visit your blog. I visit for your wonderful demonstration of the modern man. Oh, and the blasts from my music past-those are awesome.
Tammy Harrison

I just visited with a new (19 yo) mom last week who was complaining that her husband wouldn’t even help her out in the wee hours of the morning because he WORKED and needed to SLEEP. I shook my head and said “Not in MY house!” My husband was just as much involved with our children, when he was home, as I was when he was working. When he came home, he was DADDY. He entertained or read to the kids while I “took a break” from them and cooked dinner. Now, our roles are reversed and he is even more involved with the kids. I have recently been diagnosed with MS, so my husband is the main caregiver to our four teenage kids – morning and night when they’re not in school (and all day when it’s summer and they’re home). Kudos to you Jon and to all dads who are taking the same position that you have taken – wanting to be PRESENT in your children’s lives! Hugs are way more special when they come from Mom or Dad – now and forever!