Wake Up America

I may or may not do real-time final presidential “debate” blogging.

Either way, WAKE UP AMERICA!

Listen to these men. Step away from your Jesus for a second. Listen. Who should run this country? A man who refuses to fire anybody from his administration or a man who can actually construct sentences that have words besides “terrorists”, “smoke” and “freedom is on the march”.

Foolhardy Bush strategy: “John Kerry is A LIBERAL!! Who will TAX you.”

Real Life: Bush gives a meaningless tax cut and then goes to war. So instead of Tax and Spend we get Tax Cut and spend.

Seriously, Kerry needs to keep pounding this shit home. Because America is asleep. God didn’t choose Bush, people. The Supreme Court did.

Update 7:17 MST: Hey George, that $300 tax cut you “gave” me really made a HUGE difference. Also, what’s with the Kennedy fixation? I think the President is coming off desparate.

Update 7:18pm MST: Heather wanted me to say that she is eating all the pasta and Chuck is eating all the treats. I think I’m going to step away and grab me a bite. Of pasta. Or treats. Or Heather.

Update 7:29pm MST: Tivo crisis! It’s recording Ken Jennings! We’re forced to make a tough call! Surrender the remote! Ok. Whew. What? Bush is talking about a hospitable society? Except if you are a woman (we don’t give a shit about your health, especially in regard to partial birth abortion) or gay (you can’t marry). You can almost see Cheney’s forearm reaching up …

“Heather, why are you eating Chuck’s treats?”

“Because I had to break them up.”

Update 7:40pm MST: Kerry is talking about Health Care. Bush responds with a semi-sentence and then says, “Nevermind.” Ouch.

Update 7:44pm MST: I must eat more before I continue the semi-real-time blogging. Normally, I wouldn’t be writing about this, but Heather is insistent. I must pass the eating requirement before I can continue. Please hold.

Update 7:48pm MST: Have taken a few bites. Pasta good. Kerry appears to be winning. Again. It’s a sad, sad night for fans of Bush. As Kerry does exactly what the right has been so good at (pounding the shit out of a message) it just underscores how painful these four years have been. And, Heather wants me to mention as she’s talking on the phone with our friend Beth, how painful it is to actually listen to President Bush.

Update 7:54pm MST: This debate might divide this house. Heather can’t stand the sound of our President’s voice droning on and on, stumbling over words. She’s pushing for a channel change to America’s Next Top Model. It’s that bad, people.

Update 8:00pm MST: Roe v Wade!! Litmus test! George, do you think we’re that stupid? You and your bible bashing evangelicals want to overturn Roe v Wade more than you love to say the word “liberal Senator from Massachusetts.” And you hate women. Where’s the rum?

Update 8:07pm MST: This is just sad. Bush won’t answer the question and starts in about the Global Test. Kerry is using the word “legitimacy”. Bush just used the words “Global world”. No wonder the world hates America. (Note to conservatives: I don’t hate America. That’s why I’m voting Kerry. I love my right to semi-real-time blog the debates and cause worry in my wife because I’m not eating enough pasta).

Update 8:16pm MST: Religion! The President prays! We are all equal Americans! Unless we don’t believe in God.

Faith-based initiatives releasing the Armies of Compassion… Uh. This is the most divisive and partisan the country has been in a century and I’m not seeing a lot of compassion. Apparently we have another Army to fund now. Or not fund and yell at liberals who want to fund. Or fund and claim moral superiority.

My favorite Kerry lines begin with an adverb “Frankly” “Regrettably” “The Liberal Senator from Massachusettsly”.

Update 8:24pm MST: Heather is performing her own version of America’s Next Top Model. She is playing Tyra Banks. It is very cute… Ted Kennedy? What? The President just brought up Ted Kennedy’s name again. Apparently, the President was not informed that Ted Kennedy is not running for President this year.

Update 8:29pm MST: Closing statements. I’m a little distracted because Heather is dominating the debate with Chuck over treats… Ok. I don’t even have to hear the President’s closing words. He can’t undo the damage he’s done. He can talk about optimism, but with Cheney on the ticket, who is he kidding? Dude, if you want to be optimistic, you don’t choose Captain Pacemaker: The Dark Lord of Horrible Scenarios to be your Vice President.

The Blurbomat 3rd Presidential “Debate” winner: John F. Kerry.

We’re off to watch America’s Next Top Model. Thank God for Freedom.