Coffee is for Closers

Coffee is for Closers

You see this watch? You see this watch? This watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy, I don't give a shit. Good father, fuck you! Go home and play with your kids! You wanna work here, close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?Recently, it was deemed appropriate to not let Them win by doing some window shopping. Most of it centered around an economic turnaround package of my own: I’m thinking of losing the Lesbian Power Wagon and getting a truck. A butch ass truck. I’m supporting the economy on several levels. I’m helping.

The process seemed simple enough:

  • Choose vehicle.
  • Find dealer.
  • Inspect vehicle on lot.
  • Test drive.

This is when various branching algorithms come into play. However, in this situation, we didn’t even get past the third bullet point.

Heading to a local lot, DJ Blurb and fiance were swarmed by Eastern Bloc salesmen who showed the butch ass truck then, when asked for a test drive, refused.

“If you’re buying today, I move cars for test drive.”

“How do I know I want to buy it if you won’t let me drive it?”

“I have to move 4 cars for test drive.”


“If you want truck, I move cars. You gonna buy?”

“I’m going elsewhere.”

This happened twice in one day on seperate lots. The second sales guy actually saying after refusing to open the door of a vehicle that I wanted to look at:

“Well, this is my big sales day, so I’m going to get back to work. Here’s my cell phone number. Call me when you’re ready to buy and I hope to get your business.”

When we pulled on the lot, this guy was one of twelve sales associates sitting on their asses out front in plain sight. A sea of white golf shirts with the Toyota logo stitched in red over the left breast. There wasn’t a line of people waving $25,000 – $30,000 standing around bitterly eyeing sales people and complaining about lack of help. There were a bunch of people eyeing cars they wanted to drive and salesmen abandoning them on the roof.

The only part of my business this guy is going to get is the view of my ass driving off the lot without one of his cars