I am Married to an Ox

Me: “You need to put some more liquid in that smoothy smoothie mix. Can you smell the blender? It’s too thick for the blades to move.”

Her: “Shut up. I make these all the time. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

Me: “All I’m saying is that you need more liquid in there.”
[takes a spoon and scoops a healthy dollop, holding it up]

“Look, it’s too thick. You’re going to burn out the motor. It smells like slot cars in here.”

Her: “Slot cars? What the hell is that?”

Me: …

Her: “I know what I’m doing. Leave.”

Me: “Do you have a contingency plan for what you’ll do when the blender is on fire?”

Her: [rolls eyes]

Me: “Come get me calmly when it blows up.” [leaves kitchen]

Time passes. Cursing from kitchen. Smells of burning make their way through the house. More cursing. Back door opens and closes. I am silent.

Her: “Hey the smoothies are ready.”

Me: “Ok, be right there.” [enters kitchen to find blender is gone]

“Where’s the blender? What happened? It smells like ass in here.”

Her: “Whut?”

“…”

Me: “Where did you put the blender? Is it close to anything flammable?”

Her: “…” [blinks repeatedly]

Me: “You are more stubborn than an ox. A Mormon pioneer ox.”

* * *

This morning I find this out back:

071105-deadblender.jpg

click image to see larger version

She’s holding her ground despite being wrong. I can fix some things, but I can’t fix stubborn.

  • http://silentgoddess.etsy.com Lane

    You are CRACKIN’ me up….

  • Zak

    So who gets the new blender for Christmas?

  • http://peterthedestroyer.com peter

    Haha I love when people act like this. I do this sometimes and feel stupid while doing it but have already taken my position and to budge would be treason. Reminds me of the scene in Running With Scissors when the two kids bust up the ceiling and the house owners response is “I think it brings a much needed sense of humor to the kitchen”. Non sequiturs should beget non sequiturs; its like fighting fire with fire.

  • http://www.brewcaster.com Brewcaster

    That was awesome. I too am married….

  • http://www.brewcaster.com Brewcaster
  • http://www.catsaremyfave.blogspot.com Amy

    I love the “whut?” haha. Also the blenders many different ways to mush stuff….it can Liquify! And Grind! Most just say 1 to 5.

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    if that’s not love i don’t know what it.

  • bb

    Seriously…how long have you been married?
    Really. Please believe me…they are right…they are always right. Even when they are wrong…there right. Just smile and tell her how good the smoothie was.

    And look at the bright side…Waring make a stainless steel blender. The Waring Commercial Extreme!!! The only thing possibly better than buying one is having your wife provide you the excuse to go buy one. Well maybe if Apple made the iBlender…that might be better.

    Seriously the Waring will liquefy a roll of pennies. Sure it’s a car payment. Maybe then she will listen.

  • http://www.brewcaster.com Brewcaster

    I learned they are right way before the ceremony. Enjoy your blender shopping!

  • http://www.brewcaster.com Brewcaster
  • http://www.ransom-note-typography.com/ jon deal

    I think it’s the “it smells like slot cars in here” line that seals the deal on this one.

  • scott

    Sounds like you need to get one of these puppies (designed in Orem, UT).

    http://www.willitblend.com/

  • Joel

    I second willitblend dot com.

    I’ve had the analogous conversation regarding the garbage disposal. The slot cars comment is great especially considering I’m sure she had no clue what you meant.

    Although, word of warning, never ever ever again refer to you wife with the word “ox” in the statement. You are lucky to be alive right now.

  • C’tina

    So she’s wanted a reason to get a high quality blender for a while now,(I know I do)what’s the big deal? lol

  • http://nerdgirlsspace.wordpress.com NerdGirl

    Tee Hee maybe it was a grand plan to get a super duper heavy duty blender!?

    And just think what great strength of character she has to be able to argue a wrong point so voraciously!! haha

  • Stephanie
  • http://www.thejoyof.blogspot.com Joy

    I can’t fix stubborn either….

  • http://madwomanofpreservepath.blogspot.com/index.html Pat

    OK, after 30 years of breaking blenders, I got a Waring commercial “Margarita Madness” blender. I’ll earn my 50th anniversary because of this puppy. http://www.abestkitchen.com/store/margarita-madness.html

  • http://queserasera.org Sarah Brown

    This may be my favorite thing you’ve ever posted.

  • http://cowjumpmoon.blogspot.com Shalini

    Mormon Pioneer Ox… STILL LAUGHING HARD!!!

    Oh and somewhat on topic, is it true that Donny and Marie Osmond are Mormon? I NEVER knew that.

    love these back and forths… it’s great.. on dooce’s site..who was who? Are you the 130 iQ?

  • d’len

    The problem is not the wife. The problem is the blender. An Osterizer?? Seriously? That 1970’s blender with zero horsepower? Those blenders smell like smoke if you so much as look at it wrong. You need to get a kick ass blender. Like a Blend-Tec or a Vit-a-Mix. These blenders don’t need no water to work. I have one and it does EVERYthing (expensive but so worth it). It even liquifies stubborn.

    Check it: http://www.willitblend.com (Blends an iPhone!? Say it ain’t so!!)

  • http://www.dreamdust.co.uk Sarah

    Being give the option to “mince” by a kitchen utensil is truly brilliant.

  • http://callipygianchronicle.wordpress.com Yolanda

    Hmmm… I’m suspicious. That blender is neither mid-century in appearance nor modern. I think it’s 80’s housewife sensibilities were offending her taste. I say, destroyed on purpose.

  • Rachel

    We have that same blender. It sucks ass. Heather did you a favor. We have that exact same blender at home. I have been campaigning for a new one for a while, but Mr Frugal is rather attached to it (or rather the money we would spend on a new one). Hmmm. Maybe it should be his next birthday gift. :-)

  • Rachel

    Ooops. I repeated myself. That will teach me to proofread before I post.

  • nobody

    Try this:

    http://tinyurl.com/yyv6kt

    I’ve had one of these going for half an hour. No problem.

    If you get one, I’ve got a sticky bun recipe good enough to tide over the next lens for the camera.

  • http://www.bloghalla.com Matt

    ‘it smells like slot cars in here’….

    Some people laugh…..some need an explanation.

    Priceless!

  • Crystal

    What the hell are slotcars?

  • Jaybird

    “Smells Like Slotcars” is the funniest thing I’ve heard in days.

    And yes, Virginia, the Oster sucks.

    I am shocked that she didn’t have a Vitamix in her mormom hope chest.

  • http://www.iprettymuchhateeverything.com Torrie

    I like you.

  • http://www.allconsuming.blogspot.com kim at allconsuming

    “Back door opens and closes. I am silent.”

    You’re so smart.

  • http://captainhambone.typepad.com Emily

    Haven’t you heard? Stubborn is the new black.

    I’M SO IN THIS SEASON.

  • http://www.tednlisam.blogspot.com TednLisa

    We just got the Vita-Mix. Its pricey like the Blend Tec. I know Smoothie King uses them. We’ve had it about two months now. We love it and we make smootheis everyday. We had the Cuisnart that someone mentioned from above. It burnt up after 5 months. I wouldn’t get that one.

  • http://verygeorge.com GEORGE!

    The smell of slot cars reminds me of Christmas time sitting around the tree racing Robert and Tim and getting pissed off everytime my car flew off the track because I was torquing it too much.

  • Dave K

    The one thing I have learned: you are the man, it is always your fault.

  • machoman

    I used to think women belonged in the kitchen. Guess I’m wrong.

  • http://fiddley.com Pete Dunn

    But were the smoothies full of liquoricious goodness? If so, then all should be forgiven. Don’t underestimate the value of a woman who will fix you a cocktail. Even a very, very stubborn one.

  • Dylan

    HAHAHAHA!!! I don’t know what I’d do without you and your wife in my daily reading… it’s often funnier than the Sunday comics. Slot cars are the perfect description of that smell, I’ll have to remember that one. Just want to sympathize; I feel your pain that you can’t fix stubborn.

  • The Kentucky Colonel

    HA! Definitely your fault!

    You allowed a product made out of faux papier mache that’s meant for serious work to fall into the hands of a woman of appalachian heritage.

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!

    Buy a freakin’ wood chipper and affix a transparent kevlar vestibule to the end of it and bolt it to the side of your house.

    Problem solved!

    You’re welcome

  • stacey

    get a vitamix. my family has one, and they’re amazing. one time my mother stuck the plastic stirrer stick inside while it was running, without the protective lid that keeps it away from the blades… there was plastic carnage. so we called them up and they sent us new blades and a new plastic stick!

    most of the big smoothie places use them… jamba juice, orange julius, etc. they’re quite heavy duty.

    and if you get the dry blade, you can make bread dough. it’s quite exciting.

  • http://modelmonkey.blogspot.com Molly B.

    I don’t think Heather’s ox-like at all, as blender use goes. This is the first one she’s broken, right? Unless she was adding gravel to the smoothies, her insistence on reasonable blender performance seems quite serene.

    See, there’s a Blender Spectrum of Stubbornness, and it’s unlikely your bride will reach even the middle range. My mother is at about the 48th %ile, b/c she only kills two blenders a year. She always receives a high-end consumer blender for her birthday and a commercial one for her anniversary. Waring’s “Commercial” “Extreme” cried when she opened it, and the true commercial ones last only slightly longer.

    Chances Heather will ever become Valedictorian of Blender Stubborn: non-zero but very, very low. Still, if you fear she might get ambitious, find a lab that disposes of rodent carcasses by liquifying them and buy her a (new, of course) 750-watt, commutator motor driven, batch feed machine. Most labs claim to use other disposal methods; chances are better at company labs than at university ones.

  • brent

    smells like slot cars! YES! I use that after someone has been cranking on the cordless DeWalt at work.

  • kidsmom

    Have you seen the movie Gremlins? Time to get one of THOSE blenders.

  • http://www.velvetverbosity2.blogspot.com Velvet Verbosity

    Sorry, I can’t comment. I’m too busy laughing.

  • Ames

    They sell the Vitamix at Costco. You can buy the wrapping paper there too.

    You two make my sides split. LOL.

  • Patrick

    i love the smell of slot cars.

  • Marshall

    Slot cars…. yeah, that brings back some memories. Sense of smell is so tied to memory, and they flooded back at the mere mention. If you’ve never played with them, you wouldn’t understand.

    I gave up on a stationary blender a long time ago, and started using a Braun Hand Blender – http://tinyurl.com/2mk8f6 – which works great, turns frozen strawberries to a fine liquid in seconds and powers through ice cubes like an industrial tree mulcher. Plus, it’s cheap and cleans up in a snap.

  • HDC

    I have an extra blender, still new in box, if you need it ;-). Extra wedding present I am willing to sacrafice to the cause….

  • http://psychicgeek.com witchypoo

    Did you once look at the placemat in those strange cheezy Chinese restaurants and discover that your wife was born in the year of the ox? That’s precisely how I knew I was an ox. I’m not a Mormon ox, I was born into a family who practices religion on the real lunatic fringes, with lots of smug Christian superiority. Does your family also call you a Tool of Satan?

  • Sarah

    Ya, but Jon? I bet the smoothie kicked-ass! :)

  • http://flickr.com/photos/coyote Coyote

    One hasn’t truly lived until one’s olfactory system has been baptised with the heavenly fragrance of rabid slot car racing. If I still had my set, I’d gift it to Heather. Thanks for the morning laugh!

  • southerngirl

    Stubbornness is bi-sexual. My husband is the Mississippi River Delta Boy of stubbornness. Like Rodney Crowell says, he’d “argue with a parking brake to show ‘em who’s the boss”.

  • C’tina

    What’s your smoothie recipe?? Are there any blenders that don’t leave airbubbles in the smoothy? I use a cup of oj, 1 cup or so of fat free milk, 3-4 oz tofu, two scoops EAS whey protein, a nanner and a handfull of frozen blueberries. My husband doesn’t like the air bubble foam stuff that forms on top. I tell him people pay for foam at Starbucks, just drink it, already.

  • C’tina

    Maybe I should tell him to go stand outback…

  • ZuperZee

    OMG dude! This totally cracked me up! Thanks for making my day. I now know I’m not the only stubborn female in the world. :-)

  • Em

    I guess this is what happens when an Oster blender meets a pair of Crocs?

  • kellyjoco

    All around the U.S. people are waiting for an opportunity to use “it smells like slotcars in here”…
    Myself included..

  • bhazy

    This is so like my husband and I… lol!

  • rachel

    Stubborn nonwithstanding, “smoothy” is definitely actually “smoothie.”

  • http://blurbomat.com/wordpress blurb

    @rachel, fixed. Unlike stubborn wife.

  • http://www.marklangenfeld.com Markus Langenfeld

    I was nearly rolling on the floor with laughter, you sir have made my night.

  • http://deepthoughtsfuzzymemories.blogspot.com/ Terri Sinclair

    We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary mostly due to my husband’s motto: A happy wife, is a happy life.

  • http://1000timesno.net Jen

    Slotcars — too funny!

    But which animal is the one that falls a week behind on updating his wife’s banner graphic? (And is that creature a member of the Chinese zodiac?)

    Remember, this is kinder, gentler busting. Or would you prefer to be gored by mormonox pioneeriensis?

  • Milkshakes!

    SMOOTHIE? Why are you people making SMOOTHIES?
    Do you wear velour pantsuits too?

    Fussing over SMOOTHIES? I hear the Pacer is an excellent
    automobile. And that kid Rod Stewart can SING!
    And how about those nifty things called Post-It Notes,
    made by rocket scientists I hear.

    MILKSHAKES are the ticket these days. Stick to Moose
    Tracks ice cream, pour in the statins
    and your marriage and your kitchen appliances
    will last decades as you will both be too happy
    with REAL ingredients to fuss over petty quirks.
    Your blender was killed by a SMOOTHIE.
    Save the blenders, make milkshakes!

  • Michelle

    Milkshakes!? Yeah, right – for your household, I would think margaritas would be the ticket. And I vote with all those above who think you deserve a better blender.

  • http://shallwecook.blogspot.com Abby

    Slot cars! My dad owned an RC racing shop back in the 80s – and he had a HUGE slot-car track, which is no in pieces in my parents’ garage. He can’t bear to get rid of it!

    I haven’t heard about one of those things in ages. GOD I loved my pink slot car, but I flipped it on every. single. turn.

  • http://projectmommy.wordpress.com Shannon

    You just called your wife an Ox on the internet!

    I’m suprised you lived to post this!! LOL!

  • Cindy

    I recommend the Vita Mix. It’s expensive, but it has a 2Hp motor, and if you overwork it (which my husband has done a couple of times) it just shuts off until it cools off. But for the most part, it’ll puree everything, even whole apples.

  • http://www.gobooboo.blogspot.com annette

    i have the cuisinart someone suggested – it’s about to blow too. i’ve heard the vitamix is great too.

  • http://www.kungfoodie.com Kung Foodie Kat

    mmmm…slot cars…the scent of the 70’s

  • http://beverly-useyourwords.blogspot.com Beverly

    People from Memphis (Bartlett) don’t say whut…..
    Whut do you mean, saying that???

  • http://librainfrance.blogspot.com/ A Seattleite in Paris

    I cracked up at this post and immediately sent the link to my boyfriend, knowing full well it would cause a “who’s more stubborn” debate.

  • http://russellsauve.com Russell

    You are my hero. Keep fighting the good fight!

    Best regards,

    Croc wearer in Atlanta