Apparently, Bank Robbers Love Performance Fleece

A couple of days ago, while driving to work in the auxiliary car, I was pulled over.

But before we get to that, it’s important to note that I was not driving the evil SUV, because that is the vehicle that holds the carseat for Leta. After a sleepless night, we decided that I should leave the evil SUV home in case Heather had to go to pick up her prescription(s). This was after taking the whole family minus the Former Congressman to the doctor so that Heather could be looked at for her second bladder infection (PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT WITH SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO TREAT/AVOID BLADDER INFECTIONS). It was, in the parlance of days, a bad one.

So I’m driving the auxiliary car. The black 2000 Civic. The one that was paid off in two years. The one that I got when I married Heather. While on the freeway, I notice one of those unmarked cars of the American make that screams Senior Law Enforcement Official. I’m following my usual policy of passing said car (he was doing 68 mph in a 65, so I took it up to 71 to pass) and notice that he immediately stays right with me for about 5 miles. I’m thinking that I’ll just exit one exit early and he’ll go out to wherever there’s serious shit going down and I’ll just be a little late to work.


I make a turn off the exit onto a surface street and BOOM. Lights, siren, the whole works. I pull over. He’s awfully cautious walking up to the car. I check my phone for the time. Shit. I realize, at this moment of checking the side mirror to see him come up stealthily, that I don’t have proof of insurance, registration and that the tags are expired. If they did a vehicle check, no one with my last name is remotely associated with this car. I believe at this moment that I will be getting a rather hefty ticket.

After the pleasantries where I handed him my ATM card instead of my license and he brusquely responds with “What is this?,” he informs me that the vehicle matches one that was involved in a bank robbery. He also informs me that the Old Navy Performance Fleece Cap I’m wearing, which was given to me by my wife for Christmas, matches one worn by a robber. He also tells me that he could, if he were so inclined, impound the car on the spot because I didn’t have any paperwork, only my Driver’s License. “You’d be walking, ok?”


P.S., Mel Gibson’s latest “film” does not have me wanting God back in my life. All media outlets, please take note and adjust your bullshit accordingly.

  • Sekimori

    Mel Gibsonís latest ìfilmî does not have me wanting God back in my life. All media outlets, please take note and adjust your bullshit accordingly

    A-freaking-men, brother.

  • zchamu

    Oooch. Close one.

    Did you really rob the bank?

  • dj blurb

    No, I did not rob the bank.

  • mihow

    oh dear. You just brought back a horrible memory for me.

    In college, four of us were pulled over by four cop cars at 1 in the morning, guns pointed to our heads, the works, while we exited the car with our hands up. I nearly shit myself. I could not figure out what it was we had done so wrong! I just did whatever they told me. Guns can do that. (We were 18 at the time and I had an open container of Cheetos).

    Turns out, they thought we were these other people who robbed the Uni Mart (small stores around Penn State University) What the fuck?! And to think I didn’t freak out and sue the city or anything. What if one of them had fired for some stupid reason? Holy crap. Damn Pennsyltuckey cops.

    We must have looked really tough, three teenage girls and a guy who weighed probably 91 pounds. Insane.

    (sorry for the rant).

  • Melissa

    Something quite similar happened to me in downtown Detroit.

    I wet my pants. Seriously.

  • Pam

    To treat a bladder infection you could….heh heh just kidding.

  • the mighty jimbo

    nothing says “fast getaway” like a civic.

    and old navy – it’s what all cool criminals are wearing this season.

  • http://n/a Dez

    Well, actually, weren’t souped up Civics the takedown cars in “Fast and the Furious”?They’re not the sh*tboxes they were in 80’s.

    But besides that- aren’t Civics one of the top five selling cars in North America? Matching the car leaving the scene of a robbery is not a major coincidence.

  • Genuine

    Actually, I think that civics are one of the top five stolen cars. There seems to be a pattern here.

  • Miel

    Why do they call it ‘performance fleece’? What does it perform?

  • domino

    You know, you were really pulled over because you broke laws of exhillerating cuteness when you let Dooce put that amazing picture on her site of you and Leta. :)

  • Suzyn

    I once had a funny run in with the police–and by police I mean half the force of a fairly large suburb–that is far too long and involved to describe, but it culminated in a police officer shining his flashlight into my suspected stolen vehicle (it wasn’t), onto my very freaked out 19 year-old face and suggesting with a horrifying combination of malice and lecherousness, “I think we should strip search the driver.” That would have been me. Luckily, that didn’t happen and we drove away fully clothed and lighter by about 10 pounds of sweat. Good times.

  • lily

    hahahahah did he really tell you to walk? thats funny 😉

  • beerzie boy

    It’s no wonder The Man is after you; you blasphemed against Saint Mel.

  • Michele

    You have to thank someone above for letting you off, and it wasn’t because you looked ultra cool in that hat either.

    Sorry but funnier things are yet to come, parents must be humiliated monthly.

  • Moxie

    Nothing says parental bonding better then sharing your first police car ride with your daughter. My registration was over due by a few months and the pr*** impounded the car and when he discovered we couldnt find a ride, would only take us back to the police station untill someone could get us.
    What a memorable mother-daughter experience.

  • kimba

    oh — that “performance” about the fleece was something i’ve been wondering about for a long time. but i am german so i thought it was just a lack-of-vocabulary kinda problem that i had. but apparently — hey it really doesn’t make sense now, does it? can you perform something special when you wear it? it’s plastic … i don’t get it. but i DO love the story and i highly reccoment to read heather’s view on the “incident”!

  • Danielle

    By Performance, they mean “the marketing term we give for the least expensive fleece on the market which pills the firs time you wash it so don’t wash it, ok?”.

  • Jenn

    There are too many of you hat-wearing civic-driving robbers out there.

  • Jana

    My experience:
    2 month old colicky baby. Hasn’t stopped crying for 5 freaking hours. I’m late for work. Cop pulls me over for doing 39 in a 30. Yeah, I get a ticket.

    I wasn’t wearing my performance fleece I guess. Apparently the performing it does is getting out of tickets!

  • parsimony

    at least you’re white. anyone else they probably would have shot first and asked questions later….

  • dmv

    Happened to me once. in my wife’s car, my insurance is current but I have a dated card. can’t find shit in the glove compartment, and caught doing what he said was 80 in a 30mph (doubtful). The officer wants my registration.

    I’m a firefighter so i just keep digging through papers saying ‘Don’t worry, registration is here somewhere, my wife, she’s a new mom and off her rockers.’ The cop makes two trips back to his car while I’m looking. Finally, he gets another, more serious call. I’m off the hook. He yells at me, but I’m like, ‘If you can wait just five more minutes, I KNOW it’s here.’

    Next time, just try stalling for about 40 minutes. Eventually, he’ll have to go on another call.

  • dreamwyzard

    This reminded me of the “evil twin” (not a bank robber, but a car stereo robber) I have in the city I grew up in. Being jumped by 6 cops certainly removes the need for daily caffeine. Even the head of this Official Jump-The-Poor-Bastard Squad was appalled at the similarities this perp and I share.

    I’ve since moved away, but your story has me dubiously looking over my shoulder…

    Cheers. And you can’t say you didn’t think of racing off. Everyone does. How cool would your hat look then?

    PS Hope Heather is feeling better.

  • SarahL.

    Funny you should mention this experience, as I had a similar one with some Utahn police as I was driving myself, my stuff, and my boyfriend out to California. It seems my boyfriend fit the description of a recently escaped convict, who was thought to be traveling in a-you guessed it- rented Uhaul. So a cruiser pulls up alongside, with the driver eyeing us cautiously. I was under the speed limit (it was a Uhaul, after all), so once the cop fell way back I figured he was just on his way to somewhere else. Suddenly it was 3 cruisers, and eager officers with shotguns asking my boyfriend to show them his tattoos. That was my 3rd day of 18 hours of straight driving, so I was just happy for the break, although I had to remember not to laugh lest it look suspicious. That was the nicest welcome I’ve ever had in Utah!

  • Aubrey

    My most humiliating moment when being pulled over was when I was singing to the radio at the top of lungs doing almost 50 in a 35 and a cop going the opposite way busts a U-ie to pull me over. I’m sure he had to have seen me making a fool of myself as he had a very cheeky grin on his face.

  • Janet

    About the sleeping thing… I know that it’s very personal, plus you must just be getting skads of unsolicited advice.

    But as a new mom myself (and feel free to ignore me on this)… just saying, you might all rest better if you let Leta sleep in the nursery so poor dooce and you can actually sleep what few hours you get, instead of laying awake listening to her snort and snore — all those new sounds that can keep you wondering worrying or just listening. If she’s upset, she’ll let you know, and she’ll also know that you come whenever she needs you. (If you go get her whenever she wakes up crying!)

    The first few weeks, I mean, how can you NOT sleep with your precious new little one right in the bed, in the room, or right on your belly. But it’s not heartless to put her in her own room, and it might really help you both function better — can make everything work better all around. She’ll also respond to your new levels of calm. I know it made a WORLD of difference for me and my husband, and our little one knows we always come when she needs us. Now that she’s a little older (10 months) it’s clear that she really enjoys her room, we hear her singing to herself and when I walk in she flashes me a huge grin. Awesome.

  • Daniel

    I had a friend who aquired a beaten up Ford Cortina from a cousin, and was on his way out to a friends farm… The car was gonna be used as a paddock basher.
    Anyway, he got pulled over doing 100 in a 90 zone (km, not miles). The Car was unregistered, unroadworthy and (unbeknownst to my friend) had a boot full of stolen Street Signs.

    The Cop was so overwhelmed with the paperwork he was going to have to do, that he told my friend to “Just Go”.

  • Gregory Wostrel

    What Janet said, yes, absolutely. I have two – 8 and 10 years – and they had their own space after about a month each time. It is important to be able to sleep in one’s own space (baby and parents). Unless you are in to that family bed stuf. (you aren’t, are you?)

    I remember being so sleep deprived with my first that I got out of bed, buck naked, and stood there patting my chest, rocking back and forth – fast asleep. My wife wakes up and gives a shout “where’s jack?” (my son) She though I had dropped him in my stupor. Let me tell you I wook up with a start! All the time Jack was fast asleep in the crib. Ah yes, I remember it well…

  • dayment

    Did they ever catch the real bank robber?

  • Sy

    a quick note…not on performance~fleece or otherwise, nor theft or the indulgence of driving…faster! just wanted to say…that family bed thang….is not to be missed.
    Kyle is 5 now, and the ‘family bed’ as a constant, is long pass…but when he asks for, ‘us 3 in the bed for cozes and snuggles’…my heart soars and weeps in joy, of what is and what has been.
    Bringing me back to center. Filling me to complete.
    Be True

  • Edward Harrison


  • The Williams Family

    The truest evidence of a life well lived, is manifested in the quality of relationships one has with others.

    Simply said Deacon, “It was a beautiful thing.”

  • The Williams Family

    The truest evidence of a life well lived, is manifested in the quality of relationships one has with others.

    Simply said Deacon, “It was a beautiful thing.”